I can't stop the guilt

Hi everyone,

Just a heads up- I'm new here- so forgive me if I've posted in an incorrect place or something of the sort.

My name's Erin and I'm a 24 year old from Australia.

I am currently seeing a psych in person about some anxiety related issues- but my visits to him haven't been occuring lately as much...so things have got me down.

My problem goes like this:

Earlier in the year, I was introduced to a new friend by a colleague. I liked this new friend (P) and for the most part, we got on reasonably well.

Some nights after work, we'd all go out drinking- I was never one to drink to the point of being drunk- I don't like being in that place, but on some occasions- I'd get quite tipsy with both of these friends.

In these times, P would often tell us about who she liked or who'd she'd slept with- something, after a few drinks, she was quite willing to discuss.

Anyway, one particular night, my colleague and I met at P's house. She had a friend over- someone who I hadn't met and my colleague and I discovered he was coming with us for our after work drink.

P acted quite distant from him for the most part- and so I figured they probably weren't seeing eachother. I had no intention of pursueing him- but I just made that observation.
She actually got cross with him on the evening we met for breaking her camera accidentally.

I got talking to (T) the guy who had joined us and we discovered we had similar interests and likes and we also became friends.

Fast forward a couple of weeks: I am having drinks with P and my colleague for my birthday at the local pub.
All of a sudden P sees T and says "Well, this is awkward" and I can't figure out why. I don't think much more of it. T joins our table and as P and my colleague talk (they usually talk among themselves- I find it easier to listen) I talk to T. We chat for ages about our favourite musicians, biology and a few other things- I realise I do like him somewhat. He eventually asks for my number and later in the week we arrange for coffee, in the form of a date.

My real problem lies in this next part. I'm sorry for the small essay.

I was talking to P on the internet about my coffee with T- she had asked so I thought she was genuinely interested and wanting to know the details. She said something along the lines of "You two seemed to have got on well". I said that I do like T and can see something going further with him.
P began to act strangly online at this point and her responses became short and edgy- she was saying things like "Well, you too have a good relationship" and when I asked if something was wrong, she'd immediately clam up and say no. I began to suspect I'd done something wrong and it seemed I had, as she quickly jumped offline and the next day, deleted me as a friend on facebook.

Being me, I stewed over this for the next couple of weeks. I worry myself to the point of vomiting.

I decided to ask my colleague about P's actions, at which she said:
"T and P had been going out- they'd just broken up just before the day of your birthday drinks". I knew my colleague as an acquaintence if anything, someone I was still getting to know and I knew what her drinking habits were like- I'd seen her get unbelievably drunk and come out with some incredible things. Often rehashes or wrong retellings of various stories. I began to wonder and panic- that in my times of being tipsy- had I not recalled that P had mentioned T? I'd never ever consider going on a date with him if she had. I don't believe in that sort of thing.

As well as this, T had and I had spoken indepth about our relationships from the past. I had asked him at coffee if had been seeing P at all. He'd said no and I'd trusted him- we had laid it all out on the table.

After more excessive worrying, I eventually broke down. I was in my car at the time and parked down near the river. I rang T and told him I needed to meet him for the real details. He'd spoken to P- because he'd seen how distressed I was- and she had said there'd been a big misunderstanding with the whole thing. T confirmed he hadn't gone out with P- that they had liked eachother somewhat in the past, but there was no relationship presently.

Call me paranoid, but P is one of those people who don't talk honestly or will cover things up to 'make things better'....so I don't know if she told him that to make the problem go away.

I don't know if she liked him and I've 'taken him'...I'm so confused.

Regardless of it all, I wanted to pursue the relationship with him. I'm in love with T and we've been going out for a month.

I feel horrid about it all still though- I feel so guilty. I don't know if I have done something wrong or not. I worry that she had spoken about him and I don't remember and I worry that she did like him and I've taken him away.

I'm not one of those girls who does that sort of thing. I never would be.

Anyway, after so much worry I decided to contact P again just recently and she replied with this:

Hey Erin.

I have no issue with you.
Hope you are well :-)

After I'd said: I know it's been a long time coming- and I'm sorry to bother you. I've had a really tough time lately. I just want to know where were at- that's all. I'm so confused about everything.

Even with this message, I feel she is lying to hide a problem. I still worry even though she has supposedly forgiven me...for whatever happened. I'm so confused.

She never added me back on facebook and when I did see her in person recently, she scuttled off and hid at another table.

How do I stop the guilt? Am I a bad person?

T and I are really in love and I feel like I'm stunting the relationship because of this reoccuring problem.



I'm still stressing about this post and it's almost 3am. I hate my worrying brain. When I said they had liked eachother in the past I had meant to say it was about 6 years ago. Argh. I need to sleep :(