I could just use some positivity and support in getting through the day to day. Husband filed papers on the 2nd, we both agreed this was coming, but not on the timing, and right before Christmas? We have 3 children that I’d literally do anything for. He has mistreated me for a long time, very disrespectful, cheating on me, drinking, drugs, and yet I placed the premium on some semblance of stability for my children. My youngest was 18 months when I first found out, and I didn’t want to throw them into a world of financial insecurity. A lot of anger that I’ve buried is coming to the surface now, he wants me to go quietly into that good night, 50/50 custody primarily so he doesn’t have to pay child support. I am at a loss on how to confront someone who’s been so hostile towards me, I am not one to rock the boat in any way, and the thought of doing so fills me with dread. I’ve been feeling fatigued, depressed and anxious, and to make matters worse I am having a hard time at work. I produce more than any employee and yet it still feels like my boss is on me, the end to a toxic marriage, and a toxic job I can’t leave yet has me feeling so down. I haven’t started Christmas shopping, I’ve been having a hard time getting out of bed. I just need some positivity. I am lucky to have legal aid through my employer that covers up to 25 hours of divorce proceedings. How do you stand up for yourself? What are your arguments. I’m feeling very scared and alone. Thanks all.
You are not alone @Autumn999. Your world is shattering and there is major anxiety over what comes next. As dreadful as it is, many of us have gone through this and have turned the last page on this horrible book. View it as a chance now to find a new chapter that will be happier and better for you. Currently, things may be so bleak that you can't see this. So first off, take care of yourself and start with the basics. Get some exercise or physical activity. Get outside and maybe go for a walk every day. Eat something healthy 3 times a day. Try to get some sleep every night. You have kids and when things are down, remember that your number one goal and your decisions are for them. When it is really painful, take some deep breathes, then do a body scan and feel and acknowledge the pain. Then imagine a compassionate glowing warm light of love that you can flood the painful part like you would if someone you loved was in pain. You are lucky you have legal aid. Use them. They will do the fighting for you. You mentioned many things about your husband that could be used against him. Make sure this is as well documented as you can. Write notes. Save any evidence. When you start tormenting yourself and getting into a bad rut know that it leads nowhere. Think of something positive to do that addresses your torment instead and do it. Good on you for trying to maintain stability in your children's life. That is what a good mother does. It is too bad that good people are often paired with partners that take advantage of them. He's leaving now and remember you are a good person and you will get through this.
@NewMe2.0 I like the imagining compassionate warm glow of love. That is just like something my hypnotherapist would have me do.
One more thing. If you feel like badmouthing this person. Do it here. Not in front of your kids or to your kids and not to anyone you need to related to in person. I know the need to vent and we will listen without any judgement. Unfortunately, out there, it may make you look bitter. It is better to be seen as taking the high road on this one and everyone will see him for who he is.
That is tough when you can't get a break from toxicity. I was feeling same way and relinquished part of some work I was doing which helped some. I found this is not a good time to start something new. I hope this time next year finds you in a life and job environment you like.
@Barb4514 yes I was ready to quit before he brought the papers out, it’s that bad. I was days away from quitting, but I know that wouldn’t benefit me as far as custody and I have the legal aid at my job. I was denied the day off for my daughters first field trip after working mandatory OT all summer, and having the best numbers in the office. We aren’t allowed to request more than 2 days off at a time, I have about 200
Hours of unused vacation time, at least all that will be paid out to me when I leave. I’m confident I could find another job quickly, but it doesn’t seem worth it while things are in flux at home. Oh, and I called out for her field trip haha.
Thank you, this is why I knew I needed to join a support group, I want to go forward with compassion and love, I don’t want him to be unhappy because overall that effects my childrens’ happiness. I just want to be free with as little commotion as possible. I can’t wait to not have someone breathing down my neck all the time, I feel like I haven’t had a rest in 10 years. I never even sit down, I feel like a work horse. The minute I do he brings something up that needs to be done. Obviously there is always more to do. I think a walk is a good idea. Thank you for your reply, I’ll be mindful of not speaking ill of him in front of them, it’s not really my MO to do that, but I know my fuse is shortened currently. We have still been putting on the happy family thing for their sake, we all made ornaments last night, the guilt is one of the real killers in all this, I feel so guilty for doing this to them, it’s awful on top of awful. I don’t hate him, I think we were deeply incompatible on a number of levels, and our communication suffered, and we all seek relief where we can. I just want him to give me what I want and to be able to have a good “working” relationship.
@Autumn999 it’s funny you talk about rest. I posted a question about what people are enjoying now that they are not with their ex and many of them said sleep.
I am so sorry you are going through this. If divorce is the only option, you have a strong case to win so I do not think you should settle for 50/50. It sounds like you have plenty of grounds against him to win. This whole thing is exhausting, and it is hard to get out of bed. I've been in your shoes before!!!! It will get better, and thank you for taking care of your kids and working hard for your family. I hope your children can be an encouragement to you even in the small stuff. You are not alone, we are here to help you!
The only way I learned my self confidence and how to stand up for myself was through a personal counselor who helped me realize what was true and what was not true about myself. I gained a lot of confidence!