I cry, wishing I didn't exist, wishing the pain would go awa

I cry, wishing I didn't exist, wishing the pain would go away. Needing to hurt myself to be able to 'feel' because even though I am clearly 'feeling' a lot, I don't really believe I am 'feeling'. What is feeling, anyway? Emotions are a haze.

Hi. I'm new here

@NicoleFabre
Hi…whats going on?

Hi @ck
I'm harden myself, when I'm feeling bad. I feel pressure to say I'm alright' and get on with it.
But how can I say I'm alright when I've got a horribly wrong feeling in my stomach?
Any time I reach out to a non bpd I feel weird and guilty cos they just really worry and don't understand.
If I don't get support I will use, and make the pain disappear in one hit.
Then I'll cut myself to cure the shame of using.
Then I'll use valium to cure my guilt of self harming
On and on and on...
Repeating the cycle.
I'm struggling so deeply. I've just been to a Na meeting and given strength and hope to another addict, and come home and tried cutting myself but my brain wouldn't let me

@NicoleFabre *hard on

Ck80211