I'm glad I found this website; I'm feeling as if I'm slowly going crazy and I am tired of living like this.
Here is my story. Until May last year, I had always been overweight, my BMI saying I was morbidly obese. And then, I decided that I had enough and that I was tired of being obese. Therefore, I decided to eat better and move more, which I did. I went down to to what is considered normal weight, which I have somewhat maintained. However, this new life has now taken control of who I am now; I am pretty much starving myself during the week, exercising over an hour each day, always thinking about the calories I'm eating and the calories I'm burning. And on weekends, I just lose it... I binge all day, eating and eating, even though it's painful and I feel like I'm going to die. And then, I feel bad, and I use laxatives to help me purge...
I'm totally obsessed with my weight, with foods, with calories, with inches, with the way people see me.
I find that I cannot talk to my family about this situation, because they see me as a girl who fought a battle against obesity and won, and I feel as though they would either think I'm actually not as strong as they think I am, or that I'm not as crazy as I say I am and that I don't really need help. But I think I do. I'm tired of thinking about numbers and what people think of my physique. I step on the scale every morning, and then I tell myself "Ok, I'm not eating today", and then I starve all day and when I get home at night, I binge... I'm tired of crying at night because I hate what I'm doing to myself. So tired...
I'm not really sure what I kind of help or support I could get from this website, but I figured it cannot hurt me to at least talk about it some and read what other people going through the same thing have to say.
Sometimes being a part of a family feels like being a part of a place where don't belong. Here's the thing, set aside what others think of you. After all it is your life and your happiness not theirs. Instead of talking with family try to talk to friends or someone who is good in listening without judging.
Eating better starts with eating dear, not starving yourself. So quit hurting yourself and punishing yourself, because it will only lead to you eating more. Have a good meal and treat yourself sometimes. When your head is thinking about not eating, you are still thinking of food. So have a small bite, and try to distract yourself by doing something nice for yourself.
Instead of stepping on the scale and saying that you won't eat today, step on the scale and say to yourself that you are happy with your body no matter what the number of the scale says. (Like age, weight is just another number. It is not about the number it is about feeling good in your body, and happy with what you see in the mirror.)
And then walk away to start the day. Put on something nice, wear your beautiful smile and don't forget to love yourself.
Hello, welcome to the site! Please edit your post to remove the #'s you have posted with regards to weight, calories or any other #'s. Some users find this triggering to their own ED's.
I have a very very similar story; weighed just as much as you in Jan of this year, dropped lower then you and am currently the lowest i have ever been in my life. I spend more time a day at the gym and restrict like its no ones business. I have also recently started abusing laxatives. So if anyone gets it here, I certainly do.
im glad you found us and you will see that we are a very supportive bunch ---that understands and cares...
i really hope you get HELP for your problem and dont let it fester into something that could be lethal as those with EDs are considered the HIGHEST fatality rate of any mental illness....
welcome to this amazing site! you've done well just to share your story and i am sure you will gain a lot of inspiration and insight from all the posts on here.
i do think it would be worthwhile to at least talk to your doctor about it, even better of course a specialist and see what they would suggest re further support.
Welcome! I encourage you to get rid of the scale. The power you are giving it each morning, will not leave you feeling better. Instead of waiting for the scale to give you permission to eat, I encourage you to allow yourself to eat, as YOU deserve to do so. You are most likely binging at night, as you are starving yourself all day. Your body is telling you, it needs nourishment and fuel to function.
YOU are enough and deserve to be living life, rather than existing. I encourage you to seek additional help from a professional familiar with eating disorders. You don't have to do this alone.
I agree to what a lot of others are saying. Welcome to this site. It seems to be the first annonymous place to get honest with yourself. Honesty has set me free.
I practiced bulimia for 38 years. I knew that I was hurting my body in some physical way every time I purged....but....it didn't stop me. I finally found acknowledgement through some enlightened human being and decided to get real.
I asked for help. First from my spouse, then my doctor and then went into outpatient treatment. I followed with outside therapy and learned a lot about my thinking and behaviors.
Now...I read, talk with people, and follow up with my doctor. I feel much better about who I am and know that I will have to manage ED probably forever. That's ok because I know that I didn't cause this bulimia thing. And...I've learned enough to share this with you and others on this support group as well as anybody that wants to know about this illness, triggers and living in recovery.