I Don't Even Know What To Do Anymore

I don't know if "depression" is the right place to put this, but it seems like the closest.

I am so sad, I just hide in my room whenever I am not working or having to run an errand or clean or something. I am married but I just want to be alone. That seems to be fine with my husband. We do love each other but I am very sad. I don't know what to say.

We own a business and are suffering financially because no one has any money and they can't pay their bills. So all this work we have done, we can't get paid for. When I call them, they are like, well I don't have any money but I will try to pay on it this month. Then, maybe they will or maybe they won't. It is not everyone but it is a lot of people. However, "I don't have any money" is not an acceptable excuse when I try to use it. If I don't pay my ****, I will get sued or my utilities off or something. Anyway, we will survive it, mostly cause I work a second job, but it is frustrating. We have had to write some of it off. I was going to write off a $2500 bill someone owed me but then they got a new vehicle so I have been on their ***. I did get some money in May but not since. I get so tired of it. If I could ever give any advice to anyone, it would be DON'T OWN A BUSINESS. I will be glad when the economy improves....hope it will.

I am really upset cause my dad is in the rest home. I am pissed off cause my stepmom knew I didn't want him in there cause I wanted to bring him home with me after he had a heart attack and help get his strength back. But she wouldnt let me. She didn't know since he is a disabled veteran the VA would pay for it, and the rest home didn't tell her cause they get more for private pay. She has gone through over $100,000 before I found out, cause it is super expensive. I hate him being there anyways. Now they told her I have to sell some property (farm ground) that has been in my name since I was 10 to pay for it. We went to a lawyer and found out that is not true but I am still pissed she went through all that money when I could've helped her to find financial help. They are going to lose their house over it probably and there isn't a **** thing I can do about it.

All I want to do is hide and cry. I don't want to take pills. I have took every **** pill you can take for depression and none of them did a **** bit of good. The only one ever helped was Cymbalta and it is too expensive so I can't afford it. It is like $250 a month. I tried Zoloft, Lexapro, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Effexor, etc and none of that **** helped. I am suppose to take Ritalin cause I have ADHD but I have kind of a love-hate relationship with that ****. I don't take any other medicine. You know the only antidepressant that ever helped me? Meth. And that was HELL to get off of.

I know my problems are nothing compared to what a lot of folks go through but they are bad enough. I hurt and feel all torn up inside. I went to a counselor for a while but it didn't do **** and cost me $75 a week, so I said heck with it.

I don't even know what to do anymore, I am so hurt and pissed off. I confuse my husband. I go from wanting left the hell alone to crying and wanting to be held.

I don't know if I am depressed, anxious, bipolar, psychopatic, or what the hell. I am so tired of being crazy and sad. I wish I could be happy. I know I am just feeling sorry for myself.

There are a lot of people in your shoes, at least as far as the economic conditions. I too am a business owner (two in fact, one just me, the other in partnership with my husband.) We have lost alot, and continue to struggle every day. Both my husband and I are stressed beyond belief, and I often think that if our marriage survives this turmoil, we can survive anything.

Much like you, the cost factor, and medication trial nightmares and all are a huge hinderance toward medical type treatment. We have children, and their needs come first, even though I realize that we need to take care of ourselves so that we can continue to take care of others.

For me, Jesus gets me through the days. I often times have noone else to talk to, and feel like noone can understand how I feel. I also isolate myself and have mood swings, and tend to be tired putting on the happy face (and often times am unable to.)

My response is not intended to go on about my own problems, I know you have alot on your plate. I just wanted to say that you aren't alone. My story could go on, and sometimes, it seems too unreal to be real. Sometimes when things happen, they happen all at once, and make us feel overloaded. But one day at a time, we will get through. It is good that you are reaching out to others. The internet provides the ability to safely share our feelings and have an outlet, when we otherwise feel like we don't. I'll be praying for a breakthrough for you and your family. Please do the same for me and my family.

nothing usefull comes to mind here ladies :(
im sorry for all you are going thru

and as always

keep posting and chattin

loving thoughts and positive vibes

Thanks guys.....

I am trying to get different insurance so if that works out that will save us a BUNCH plus maybe I can get a prescription card. If we get this different insurance it will save us like $800 a month. Maybe not quite as much if we get a prescription card. But still maybe I could get my Cymbalta again.

Apparently it is easier to get insurance than it used to be. Several years ago, we tried to get different insurance and failed cause my husband was on a blood pressure med and they wouldnt take him. Also I am over weight (at that time I was about 210#, I am 5'7", so I am aware that is too much). They told us they would take us IF he could get off the blood pressure med but it would be a 50% mark up. I couldn't even get the other insurance at all until I got my weight down under 175#....well they said I could GET insurance if I got down to 199# but it would be twice what it would be if I was under 175#. They come and drew blood and everything else, weighed us, took our blood pressure. I literally starved for over a month and still could not get my weight down. I will never be skinny if I am not on drugs.

But anyhow, I guess it is a lot easier now, they don't do any of that, and this is Blue Cross, so it will be good if we get it.

I'm still trying to collect from people but they don't want to pay, so I had to borrow $1500 from my folks, which makes me feel like a waste of air. I'm trying though!!! I'm working two jobs. I can't do any more than what I can do.

Somedays I am very angry and I would like to be close to God again one day and have a happy life but I am so bitter. I have not lost all my faith in God but I am certainly jaded and some days I would really like to get some meth or coke but I will be strong. For my family. I will be thankful I HAVE a second job or my family would go hungry in these trying times.

joker girl

so glad u are staying strong and continuing to find a solution to your problems.

sadly i think its going to get harder for most of us in these trying times

keep posting and chattin

as always

loving thoughts and positive vibes

hi joker girl,I can relate to the bad finances..ive been too sick to bring in any money..and we are living off my partners small paycheck..until the docs and find out what is causing my chronic pain,then i can start bringing in some money.its so frustrating..we are 2 house payments behind at the moment.so its a scary time. my partner slit her wrists yesterday as she was so stressed over the bank giving us a $70 over charge do to a small mistake we made..and we dont have the money to replace the bank with..its really hard.luckily shes ok physically..but mentally we are both drained do to all the bad financial stuff.hang in there..we are tryn too..if u need to chat..im here (hugz))

fushsia

im sorry that u are also trying to make ends meet, have u any stuff u could sell in the meanwhile to help you with payments.

my second oldest son has sold his game cube and games and a phone because he needed cash, his friends have sold all sorts to keep themselves afloat.

stay strong and keep chattin and posting

as always

loving thoughts and positive vibes

**** jokergirl, your doing all that you can & very resourceful too its no doubt your exhausted & overhelmed & helping so many here while you relieve some of these on going battles w/life,work, family in putting it into words here, am sure you wont have time to even read any of the comments either, understandably so,my heart goes out to you & all my strengths.

April

Thank you for your kind comments!!!!

((((hugs))))))

We got different insurance, so we are pretty happy about that.

Otherwise, things are still challenging, but I am trying to keep a positive outlook. Some days are better than others.

I try to remember when I feel weak, that there is nothing that is going to happen to me that getting spun wouldn't make worse.

:)

Thats forsure & want to thank you for helping all here w/your advice/experiences/knowledge, I know it make a difference for them & us too.

Take care girl

April

Thanks for your kind words!

I see you are very committed to helping others as you have many posts offering encouragement.

I was just wondering what your story is, if you were a person who is recovering from drug addiction or alcoholism, or if you had a family member who suffered. You seem very knowledgeable.

I abused speed and cocaine for 2-3 years, I got started on it to get more work done and to lose weight and it got out of control. That is pretty much what happened to me.

Some days I get very angry as more and more things seem to happen to me and my family. It seems like life was a lot more pleasant when i was doing drugs. I had a lot more money and I wasn't so sad. I didn't let things bother me like I do now. I know that is no way to be thinking, but I do feel that way alot. I think, when will all this bullshit end? And it seems like it just doesn't end, you know? It's crazy. I am hanging in there but I tell you honestly....if it weren't for my family I would likely go back to drugs.

Somedays I think about all the dumb stuff I did and it hurts so bad, it is just raw inside of me the shame and guilt. I realize what an *** I have been. It was not supposed to be this way. I did all the right stuff, got married, graduated college, worked hard. And then I did this dumb thing and I can't believe that being a fucking tweeker is the sum of my life now. It is so embarr***ing.

I am trying to do the right thing....I am trying really hard. I am so tired of people not paying their bills, tired of my parents' health problems and issues, tired of a lot of stuff. I am whining because I guess there is no law that says when you stop getting high, life will get a whole lot better. But I just get discouraged cause I didn't expect it to get so much worse, and stay that way.

Though I don't want to do it anymore, a lot of times I will catch myself fantasizing about meth, and doing it, or having dreams where i do it. I don't understand it I guess.

I try to encourage others cause I don't want to see anyone else suffer the hell of drugs and meth. But alot of times even though I no longer do it, I feel like a hypocrite since I am remembering it and dreaming and "doing it in my mind".

I hope one day to be well and hope and pray that I and many others will find peace.

I'm here because of the journey I had to take walking through my wreakage that led me to my current situation (19yr. bad marriage, hes bipolar/schzoid/BPD & more w/alcohol dependency). When I was a child 2-12 I was molested & that started me on the road to exactly where you were years ago but I stopped all that 20yrs. ago, unfortunately did not see all the RED FLAGS along the way of my current life, it cost me & my 2 sons now 18 & 26 dearly emotionally & phsycially focusing on this persons destruction/drama/garbage instead me focusing on saving all of us sooner (am in progress w/that as of 2yrs. ago) hes a cross dresser & peeping tom, a felony, he steals, violent, I didnt know that (found most out in '04) went to 4 different therapist, they said he needed one on one & over the next 6yrs of reading/searching for answers/internet etc.. found along the way that I am a common denominator of surrounding myself w/all the wrong types of people do to my PAST, a very hard realization but feel better about myself in knowing that so I will never do this again to myself or anyone around me even if it means living alone.....but still have a ways to go cause I'm unemployed & you my friend are a kick *** person that has saved alot of people here if they listened & I really like the way you put things, no kissy face crap, just the straight talk & I feel better sometimes coming here whether people listen or not. Thanks for letting me dump, theres more but it doesnt matter.

Talk to you later, April

We're gonna be ok, thanks again.

April

I am so sorry for all you are going through, my heart goes out to you, I know medications are expensive,I am on several and my dad pays for COBRA insurance $650.00 a month for me only otherwise my antidepressant alone would be about $500.00 and my ant-seizure meds would be $3000.00. Abilify is a good medication to use with an antidepressant but even with insurance it's about $50-$100 a month. I can relate to what you are feeling I have often go through the same feelings of happy, sad, anxious, and upset and not knowing what to do. It is hard because everything is expensive, but if you need to talk please continue to and express your feelings if you need to. Also I am sorry about your father, I know that must be very hard on you. I will pray for you and your family and just know you are not alone.

Sara, welcome to Supports Groups. I admire anyone who has the guts to admit, be aware & seek help for their issues/disorders. It would of been nice if my situation went that way, the first 30to60days he (my husband) did seek help at my insisting, he went to therapy 6 times & stopped everything meds too & I would not PLAY med police by enabling it/co-dependent his problems. I figured out alot of people even w/support, Ins. & money STILL want a quick fix or answer instead of managing themselves & life by learning about themselves. Yes these disorders are pricy & finding the correct help, if they care to, can be wonderful, it does not work if one does not think they have a problem. I never under estimate DENIAL. Again take care of you & keep focusing on yourself.

April

You used a powerful word joker_girl, hope. It sounds like you have some real positive assets you can leverage to overcome these financial obstacles. You are persistent with your debtors, that has to count for something.

There are no shortage of stories about financial worries coming between couples. Right now, it sounds to me like you just need to know that your husband is "on your team." Given the complexity of your issue, I am inclined to suggest you find a new therapist in your area. Matching yourself to a therapist is like putting a puzzle together... the individual you were seeing previously was probably a fine person, but for whatever reason they didn't "fit" you.

Forums like these can supplement your recovery... I would "shop" therapists in your area. Interview them like you were going to be hiring them for yourself. Ask for 15 minutes ask relevant questions like...

Paying on a sliding scale...

Experience with "brief therapy techniques."

Experience with Depression

Most importantly, ask for referrals of local resources that you can leverage until you get on your feet. A good clinician will provide a laundry list of free or next to free resources for you to try.

Good luck!

^CKB

Wow April! It sounds like you have had a lot of challenges, particularly with your husband, but I am sure glad you are doing what you can to improve your situation. It's sure too bad that your husband stopped getting help and taking his meds. That is a shame. But true, why should you have to follow him around and try to make sure he does what he is supposed to? In doing that, he makes YOU responsible for him and gets you into that nasty codependant dance with him. That is sure no fun! All it will do is make you feel like you are losing it.

Sarah I am truly sorry that your medicine is that much! It is so unfair that the meds are priced out of reach of many. I just don't understand why they are so expensive.

You guys are in my thoughts.

I have no doubt I should be seeing a counselor. One issue is that I will have to drive a distance to see one. Our town is very small and the person I was seeing came here once a week. I saw them for an hour and the cost was $75. I don't think there was anything wrong with him, I liked him okay, I just could not fess up to what a mess I am and be totally honest because I felt like such a bad person. I felt a lot of shame. My counselor was a Christian, and I am, too....but I have done so much wrong. So much. I have broken every commandment except murder and adultery. I am so ashamed of how I am. I couldn't admit to all my lying, stealing etc that I did to get drugs. So the relationship was quite superficial.

I truly do want to be on the same team as my husband, whom I love dearly. I want to be loved, I want to be a good wife and mother, I want to forget all this mess I have caused. I want to help our business to get back on its feet from this trying time (which actually ISN'T my fault). Sometimes I am so overwhelmed. I want to do everything and do it "right".

I did go to an actual psychiatrist at the urging of the counselor (who thought everyone ought to be evaluated by a psychiatrist), and after about 4 hours, many tests, and $800...I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and ADHD. Apparently I also have minor issues with attachment and not wanting to get too close because I am afraid I will get hurt. I tend to avoid my friends and pull away from my husband when I get in a funk, which makes no sense because all I want him to do is hold me and let me feel safe and tell me it will be okay and that he will never leave me.

LOL I'm a pill.

Residing in a small town with limited resources presents a challenge all its own. One strategy I might suggest is to examine how you have successfully overcome obstacles like this in your past. Is there a friend, a confidant, a church, a pastor, or a family member you can talk to? Please don’t interpret this as being judgmental, because that is not the intent… it is really just a statement to challenge you… On one hand, you love your husband and need his support. On the other hand, you continue to alienate him. There is a discrepancy there, and discrepancy that needs to be resolved.

One good piece of advice. Too often, we find ourselves focused on what happened in the past… yesterday, last month, 10 minutes ago. OR, we are worried about tomorrow, next week, how I am going to pay that bill, etc. TRY THIS. Live in the now. Forget everything that you have done in the past. Forget your expectations for the future. Think about what is happening right now and prioritize your thought and action. Identify a goal, and do something in the present that can help you achieve that vision.

I have a feeling you have inner strength and resiliency that you are failing to utilize. Be who you were meant to be. You can do it!

I'm an isolator too. Trust me it only leaves to trouble. i'd say I spent much of my life inside, hiding. I used drugs for years to cope and yes I'm not going to lie sometimes it was sooo fun. Now that I'm tring not to do that it's hard but I find doing post on hear is helpful and just getting out doing things or anything outside. Having problems suck but being a hermit to deal with them sucks way more. Oh and for you to be diagnosed with all those things it's bullshit. Love and support will get u through!

joker_girl,

Seek out a book called Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.

Regards,

^CKB

Joker_girl regardless of how you feel at times you've still helped so many here with your experiences & knowledge & that one day my friend will be held to the highest regard.

Brook, I'm watching you, very well done (not that you need to be told that, I can tell) all here should be listening/watching & very true that there is a tendency to focus on the drama/problem at hand/ahead instead of thinking through right now & stay in the NOW, thats a learning process & takes practise.

April