I don't even know what to say

I guess I'm just too fucked up to fix. I can't even write my paper for my school right now. The one thing I am good at (school) and I can't even do that today. Of course, today is the day a big-ass paper is due and I am only partially through with it. Of course. I just, I just hate myself so much, you know? So fucking, unbelievably much. I cannot stand myself. I wish I didn't even have to be near me, but I am ALWAYS with myself, obviously. God, I suck. I am ****. I deserve nothing I have and I can't even appreciate any of it. I hide box-cutter blades everywhere and when they find one, I give them a few more and tell them that is the last of them. I lie. I lie to fucking **** much. I lie to everybody, the people I care about so dearly, the ones who love me too much-loving me at all is too much, I think. No one deserves to go through the pain of having to love me. I hate myself. I wish I would die accidentally so my parents wouldn't have to have a kid who committed suicide. I think about it all the time-ways I could accidentally die if the right things happened...a car swerving into my lane, a cinder-block falling off a construction building, some random guy stabbing me in the chest eighty times. I don't really care how I die, I just want to. I need to. The world doesn't deserve the destruction I am. ****, I think that's enough for one day, huh? lo-fucking-l.

You need to start typing and saying to yourself how much you love yourself. Only you can change but you have to want to. You deserve to love yourself just the way you are. We have to think positive when we find ourselves so down. It is called brush yourself off and get back up on your feet and start to do better. Just pick one thing in your life you would like to do better on. Life not lying. The rest can wait until you master this one thing today. Or start fresh tomorrow. No more lying for example see how long you can do that and pace yourself and you will see how good you will feel about yourself then you can try to set another goal. If you slip one day you start fresh the next day and start again. I know you can do it!!! Just try one thing it is like taking one step at a time like baby steps. I know the word therapy is over used but it does help, but it takes awhile until you get used to it.

Thanks, but I just...I can't lie to myself about how awesome I am or that I love myself because I don't and I know its hypocritical and all but I have to lie to everyone to protect them, but I can't lie to protect myself. Thank you for the advice though. I am going to get into therapy eventually, when I can afford it.

Why can't you lie to yourself about you are worth it? Fake it to make it. When you get help and sort things out until then lie to yourself to feel better. You deserve to be happy until you can afford therapy. Positive attitudes and go along way too. Wow you deserve a lot of praise look at all the support you have given to people. wow 7 badges. You do care about yourself because you care so much about people. Hang in there. Glad you are on this site.

Nothing I do works. I have tried this before and it made things worse. I was the "Fake it 'til you make it" poster child. For years. But, you are right, I do care about myself. I care enough that I think I should end my pain but cannot because that would mean hurting my family in an irreparable fashion. So I care, but I don't care. I don't care because nothing I do matters anymore, only when I hurt the ones who love me does it matter. I cannot believe God wasted His breath of life on me. Look what I have done with it.

what about you?
why is not enough for you to love yourself, why dont you respect yourself? why dont you take care of that little person inside of you? if everyone hate you and go against you, why do you have to take their side and go against yourself.

I remember almost these same exact words spilling out of my head! I felt this way right around age 18. I sometimes wanted to fall asleep at the wheel and die. I almost did on my 18th birthday. But. BUT. I didn't. I didn't stop living. I didn't stop hurting right away either. I had to endure the unbearable punishment of taking the next day as it came. And the next. The next after that.

If the only reason you have for not off-ing yourself is sparing your family pain, HOLD onto it. You're eventually gonna find something else that's going to make you excited to exist. A book. A new hobby. A new friend. A new love. A new job. Attention. Lamps. Patterned underwears. Toiletpaper. Postage stamps, or What-have-you..

Give yourself a chance to allow time to take you far, far away from whatever this is that has you stuck.

Thank you. That last little bit about toilet paper and patterned undies made me laugh-a real laugh for once! Yeah, I guess it just takes time. I’ll get through it eventually.

You are beautiful and should love yourself you are a beautiful because you care about your family and people you love you dont committ suicide because you love them cant hurt them.

Thank you, darling. You are gorgeous, I wish you could know that. How are you?

Wimpy? I'll agree to *****, because I am a psychopathic one, but do you know the kind of balls it takes to slice deep into your own skin instead of ripping someone else's apart? Obviously not-and anyway, who these ****ing "normal" people you're talking about? You cannot possibly think you are one of them? "Troll King," really? Does it make you feel better to vomit random, nonsensical insults at others while you **** yourself? Good, I'm glad. Because you deserve to be happy with the little time you have left. Best be happy you didn't tell me to kill myself-I might've ****ing complied just to make you indirectly responsible for murder. Kisses! :*

Hi im so sorry you hurt so much, their is good in you, you need to see that and know it. U help alot of ppl and here with your advice and support, some ppl who have their own **** to deal with wouldnt care about other ppls problems, but u do that says alot about your character, u have over 9000 support points, thats almost double mine, i aint ever going to catch u up **** IT! Lol, take care

lol thanks man, i appreciate the support!

Your welcome. Take care

i get waht your saying about the lying and the "caring to much" i feel the same way. im just a burden, i don't do anything but bring arguments i know they love me but life would be so much easier if they didn't.

Yeah, I know. If they didn't love me so much I could just die and get it over with.