I don't get how easily I can lose it. The fact that I say hu

I don't get how easily I can lose it. The fact that I say hurtful, extreme things to the person I love is unacceptable. And they're afraid I'm going to hurt them.... and I feel sick. I'm an awful person. Then I sit here and worry that they are going to leave me because I have shown such disgusting behavior. I don't get why he doesn't leave but I'm glad he doesn't.
I was called a "freak" and while I was mad at that comment, I know they didn't mean it and now I just get to let that truth settle in... I feel lousy but I have also made some improvements... I calmed myself down where I could have easily had an episode. Wish I was normal.

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Hi - I think we all understand here how easy it is to lose it. You're not an awful person, you are dealing with a disorder. Have you been in therapy? It think it is a really positive step that you were able to calm yourself down and didn't have an episode. Please know that we are here to listen and support you. Hugs!

@kisobel I’ve never really been in therapy, no. Lately though I feel like I’m ruining everything for myself. why do I distrust people who very obviously would do nothing to hurt me? I create problems for myself. I hate needing validation and then when I receive it I’m still skeptical. I don’t know where to begin to explain this stuff to my bf. I have briefly but I don’t know what it is that he should actually do… he asked too… just let me freak out? throw things? swing at him… punch myself? yell and say hurtful things. what is he supposed to do? UGH.