I don't have a completely solid diagnosis for codependency. But the lack of self-esteem, the desire to help others over helping myself, the fear of angering a partner,e tc. all seem to add up to at least a probable one. I have a Mom that is definitely codependent and had a traumatic childhood. i have some trauma as a kid (seemingly minor events, one major medical diagnosis) but no narcisstic parents. The issue is that I seemed to have rammed codependency and interdependent together (7 habits based logic).
So, here I am. I am not sure if my therapist is the right one, but I need to vent to someone about the stuff in my head as I get myself through this divorce. I didn't instigate the divorce, but I still have to deal with it. The bigger problem for me is the how to "heal" myself from the codependecy that I developed with my STBXW. I have looked at the CoDA program, but the religious focus doesn't feel right. The goal is to be able to be healthy on my own, and really take care of myself, instead of distracting myself all the time from real life or sinking myself into "helping" others when I should be worrying about me. What is the best advice for handling this you guys have? Is there other programs I should be looking at (even books)?
Coda is more spiritual than religious. You don’t have to be involved in any particular religion. If you’re not interested in that you could always read codependent no more or codependency for dummies. There are some really good books. The same author that writes codependency for dummies also wrote toxic shame and codependency. That’s a really good book. If you do a lot with social media there are Facebook groups about codependency as well as a codependency discord I follow.
@KoffeeinDE I think you're getting ahead of yourself. Today, your task is to not let your STBX make you crazy and to do what your lawyer says. I admire you and am impressed that you're already looking into Codependency issues, which I think we all have to an extent. I, personally, was a full blown co-dependent with my ex-narc but once I got away from my him, I found my co-dependency wasn't as overwhelming as I thought. I no longer worry about upsetting people like I did with my ex. I also have set strong boundaries and made sure others didn't cross those boundaries without me telling them about it and getting them to back off. I think co-dependency is a dance we do with some people. We may always have the tendency to be co-dependent, therefore it's good to work on these issues, it's not something you need to focus on today. You have one job today and that's to not let your ex make you crazy and to begin to heal. A time will come, when you're stronger, for you to look into co-dependency and anything else you think may help you grow and heal. But, for today, you're so new into this divorce, I wouldn't worry with trying to change everything all at once. Trying to change too much at once will just frustrate you and you'll end up not changing anything. One step at a time.
Please know I'm not an expert at anything, this is just my opinion. This is just what ended up working for me.
I really do admire you for looking ahead and seeing that you want to grow and heal. I think you should just take it slow for now.
@GirlKitty I always try to look forward to future needs so I can prep or do stuff today that is smart. That is how I am wired. My STBXW is a mess that I am slowly becoming independent from in my mind. The thing that is making this not hurt as much as it could is that she has been on a 1+ year work assignment in GA. In many ways its like she and I have been separated that long. The shock and total messed up values from the announcement that she wants a divorce, hinting that she will change her name back (without saying it outright) an taking my dog (right now my lifeline) to her mom’s “for my benefit” are all part of the making me crazy stuff. I just want to focus on things outside of her, like becoming whole again.