I don't know how to not throw the cheating up in my husbands face. I really want to move on and be happy. I will be fine all day but laying in bed at night I just go off on him. Any ideas how to control the outbursts?
I am sorry....when you say you will be "fine all day long"....does that mean you are pushing things under the rug?...or do you and your husband sit calmly (as possible) and really talk? Without knowing more than what you posted i am wondering if you are kinda bottling things up?
Well when I say fine all day I'm at work, he works at night so he comes home and sleeps. He will call me in the morning when he's on his way home and we'll talk nicely. Basically I don't bring it up for most of the day until night and then I just go off.
I am finding that when I visually see an action from him or he makes certain comments, I do the same thing you do and with same experience of cheating. I feel that I try to be courageous all day and then at night I relax, and something he says will trigger the hurt, and out it comes. He says my trigger makes him trigger his shame. Then his anger starts because he says I am shaming him again and the cycle of hurt starts all over again. He then tries to punish me for shaming him. It usually starts when i call him out about crossing a boundary set and he knows about. It's the constant disrespect in front of me and continuing behaviors that he was doing before he was caught. He doesn't understand that the look he gives other women and the watching them hurts as bad as the cheating. I just can't accept it. The pain it causes me is no longer worth living with, and without taking full accountability for his acts nothing will change. he still wants to blame everyone else. He went as far as to say we couldn't have a conversation about that any time after nine but gets home late and leaves early in the morning so there is really no good time to get to talk unless he is laying there having to listen without other distractions. I think I have his attention but i am so wrong because he doesn't listen to any of it.
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What has worked for me is really trying to avoid "going off"....someone told me "when a discussion turns to screaming its no longer a discussion its a screaming match"...that hit home...so i try and get my angry emotions out in other ways and be as calm (as i can) when its time to talk...try to focus on yourself when you are talking...like: "I feel this"..and "I am feeling that" and "I need this" etc....i hope tonight isnt a rough night for you!
@moonstone2 thanks I think I just get almost tired of talking about it yet it's on my mind so I speak it. I hope tonight can be better thanks :)
@help2014 I will say my husband is trying he is being good but I just still get so mad. I hope ur husband can respect u and understand ur feelings. Cheating brings a lot of insecurities out that may have never been there.
@Meg2014 if you keep doing this he will leave you. Doesn’t matter that he screwed this all up. He’ll tell you that he’s sorry for what he did but he can’t take this anymore and he will leave. If that’s something that you don’t want to happen then try thinking about that before you go off on him…I’ve done this and I took it to levels that I feel really bad about with my wife. She almost left me because of it and i still struggle with not doing it. Just because we were cheated on does not mean that our mates have to stay with us.
@llmy-10 Thanks I do know that but hearing from another person does help. I know I can't punish him forever but sometimes it gets so hard because I'm so angry he could be that stupid and risk his family, kids, home everything for some bar skank who he had no feelings for. It seems crazy to me but I will take in what ur saying. Any ideas or suggestions what I could do to not get all worked up?
@we2x3h He cheated on me.
I was cheated on by my ex. It really hurt and the fact it was all planned out. I gave him another chance after being mentally manipulated by him. He eventually moved back. I thought about what he did to me every day and I saw all the messages of him planning it out. I'd cried here and there over it but kept tge emotions inside. We did fight a lot and I became an underline anger towards him but I didn't bring it up. Months later I needed my laptop and grabbed it from him. Well... he forgot to sign out of skype. That made the second time he cheated on me (that I know of-I'm sure it's been more than that). He started manipulating me again and I started falling for it until I just couldn't take it anymore. Every time I would say I'm done he became angry and would get VERY personal especially about my bad past. He never did physically hurt me but I wouldn't of been surprised if one day he did. He had Borderline Personality Disorder which made it even harder to change him as in learn from his mistake. But he could never seem to do that. My advice to you is that if you can't forgive him and have such anger towards him, it might not be worth it. It wasn't for me even though I fell under his spell. Sometimes love isn't enough.
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@we2x3h thanks for ur comment. I have said the same line love isn't always enough. This was the first time he has cheated and I do believe he is remorseful. I have put 10 years and 2 kids into our marriage so I would like to at least try and give him a chance. If he ever did it again that would be it. I just want to try to let go of some of the anger. I don't want to be one of those people so angry it just eats them inside.
I understand what you mean. Was he drunk when he cheated and did he tell you or did you find out on your own?
He was drunk and he did tell me. I had no idea. He hardly ever went out was always home. Sometimes I get mad like I should have known but I went through the phone texts etc nothing. It wasn't a relationship just sex.
I see. Maybe when you start to feel angry, leave the room immediately and tell him you need some air alone. After cooling off and remembering HE did tell you on his own and that he is remorseful. If it still becomes an issue talk to him and tell him why you blow up at him. He needs to understand your point of view. And maybe start going to couple therapy. Who knows, it might just save the marriage and your sanity.
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@iamtitanium thanks so much. I do see people on here with serial cheaters and see what they deal with. I am really going to try and control myself and forgive and focus on the good. Sometimes it's just so hard. Thanks again I really take ur advice to heart. :)
I've been reading all of ur posts with mixed emotions. My husband cheated on me and I found out about 7 months ago. Via a letter from the OW's husband, not a confession by him. He has been very contrite and has made every effort to make it up to me. We are both in individual counseling and couples counseling too. I still have so much anger! I have stood by him through losing jobs, either because he was fired or because he got angry and quit. I pay for everything! He chose to stay home to be with the OW when my daughter and I flew out of state to be with my father, who was hospitalized with life threatening internal bleeding! And because we have been together for over 20 years I elected to try to salvage our marriage. I feel used, I feel like I'm the one who is stable while he does whatever he wants because he has never paid a price for his poor decisions ("mistakes"). He's always sorry for what he does but doesn't change! I feel like my emotions are split evenly between love and hate, and I have no idea what I will do. Glad some of you have been able to forgive. I'm not there yet, if I ever will be!
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@Blindsided91213 I’m finding that forgiveness and trust are my most difficult obstacles to overcome. My wife’s affairs are totally despicable and it angers me every time I think about how she disrespected me, our family and herself. The lies and deceptions are difficult to deal with. The imagine that she created of herself that lead me to believe that she is an honorable woman kills me. All this being said, I love her, I love her with my whole heart. So I will continue to love her and be good to her. I’m not going to rush into forgiving her or trusting her just yet. I’ll let time take its course on that.
@ blindsided I have to say from what you wrote my husband doesn't seem too bad. I think all people make mistakes none of us out perfect but when we do mistakes and not try to change then they don't deserve a chance. To not be there when ur father was ill is horrible, I know regardless of anything my husband would have been there for me and has when my family had emergencies. He has always worked and taken care of us and in fact has told me if I leave he will financial take care of us.Your husbands issues with no job, cheating and not being there for u, it's all too much and I would have gotten rid of him. As much as I hate to say that because families need to stay together but he doesn't seem to be a part of the family.