I don't know what I'm doing

I want to talk to someone who can relate or who has been there.

I'm 32 years old and just got married, I have a wonderful husband, I have a job and live in a nice place but....
I have had depression since I was 13, I have been on countless antidepressants and anxiety medications but I still self medicate.

I have been drinking alcohol steadily since I was about 23, I am a very highly functioning alcoholic, you would not even know I drank unless I told you.

I went to the hospital last Friday and I have an ulcer, worst thing to do is drink but I continue to. I don't know how to stop. I have tried and was sucessful for about 3 months on anatbuse, I don't know if I can do it again. My job is so stressful that alcohol is the only thing that calms me done.

I am afraid to not drink and deal with my feelings. I have been to AA and my story does not even come close to half of those people. I am a closet drinking, do not get in fights and no one is aware of my problem. so yeah, what to do, anyone have

Earlier tonight I met a friend for dinner. I had two glasses of wine, I figured that would be it for tonight, of course that never really works out does it? I stopped at the liquor store after dinner bought a 4 pk of wine and drank one on the way home. Of course I poured it in another container I am not that dumb but still a dumbass for drinking in the car. I got home proceeded to have a beer which I am still drinking, and will probably have one more glass of wine before bed. What the hell is my problem, I have no willpower, I stress out so much that I drink- is anyone else like this???

Hi inmyhead… I’ve been drinking at home (sneak drinking) for 20 years. I’ve been to counseling, in patient once, intensive out patient and now I’m back in counseling. I know the struggle. For me, in the AM I felt horrid and said to God, “I am not drinking anymore. I cannot do this anymore”. By the time I got out of my high stress job, I was on the way to the liquor store.

This disease SUCKS. For me, you really have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. The only way I can stay sober is this:

. Do my readings in the AM before anything. One Day At I Time is my favorite.

. Ask God for the strength to stay sober JUST FOR TODAY.

. As much as I hate this one… get a sponser. If I don’t have someone to be accountable for… I will never stay sober for TODAY.

I have five days now and I really have to spend any free time I have on ME. My husband doesn’t drink and doesn’t really understand the OBSESSIVENESS of this disease. I have to have people in my life that ‘get it’.

Stay in touch.

Barbara

Hi inmyhead, I drank at home, alone for many years. I thought no one knew but people knew. Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic. If you don't like AA, there are other alternatives out there to use to help yourself get sober and clean. For me, I couldn't do it on my own. I had to have the help of a higher power and others. Maybe also look into other alternatives to relieving your stress besides drinking. Like going to the gym, going walking, getting a manicure/pedicure, taking a nice long soaking bath, etc. Just tossing some ideas out there. Keep us posted on how you are doing. Take it a day at a time. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))

The help of a higher power (God for me) is so needed for this…IMO

Long before I found recovery I sought help from doctors for chronic anxiety and depression. I went through the full spectrum of anti-depressants but never did get any better. Of course I washed down those anti-depressants and downers with booze. My history was occassioned by various attempts to suicide. Ironically, my desire for one last binge usually meant I screwed up the latest attempt. This cycle went on for years until I finally bottomed out consuming a menu of prescription drugs and two fifths of bourbon a day.
I got sober November 11th,2007 after undergoing an 18 week residential treatment. I was nervous about rejoining my family and attended lots of meetings. But over time I felt the black dog descending upon me once more. That's when I hit a crossroad of going back to my old life or doing the suggested programme of AA.
I chose to live. I found a sponsor who knew the steps and worked them as hard and honestly as I could. It has been two years since then and life is finally seeming to reflect the promises found in the big book. I still have the occassional bad day, but rarely does it go beyond a day when I put my programme to work.
The problem was always the booze. The depression was fueled by the booze. While drinking I was only too happy to tell you about the tough life I had been saddled with, and a ready list about who's fault it was. Today, I am a free person. The greatest thing I have learned is that if I start feeling the self-pity that feeds this disease it means there is something I am not doing in my daily programme. When it goes beyond a day, I know the best thing is to find another alcoholic to work with.

Hey Dougg and Bluidkiti,
I can't congratulate enough on your progress, I don't understand alcohol dependency myself as I have not gone through it, but I do understand how consuming to can be.

And inmyhead, I hope you seek the help you truly need and turn to the people on the site who understand and can guide you. Because you are not alone going through this and you will be ok...just reach out for the help you need and deserve.

Much love to you
Moongal x

Hi Inmyhead,

I dont know if you have ever heard of 'The Sinclair Method', It has changed my life completly. I went from being an uncontrollable drunk to drinking two to three times a week pretty much under cotroll. Please google 'The Sinclair Method' There is also a forum for all of us who are using TSM as a method to cure our addiction. There is a wealth of information there.

Im there under the user name Mario if you want any info on the forum or the method. I promise you you will not be sorry, s I said its changed my life and the lives of the others there.

Mario

Thank you all for your responses, it helps knowing that other people have gone through the same struggles, I appreciate all your help. I've decided I really need to get back on track. I am going to stop drinking so much, I am sick of it. I have to go to a cookout today and I am not going to drink, I am bring iced coffee instead. I will not stay long just a quick appearance and leave, I don't want to be tempted.

Best of luck..keep coming back here for support.

Love to you. x

inmyhead... In the beginning of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous", Dr W. Silkworth makes the statement that "Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol."... I drank because I liked the way it made me feel... the corrolary being that without it, I didn't like the way I felt... It's taken me a long time to realize that alcohol was not the problem, rather, it was the solution. What I needed to do was find a different solution.

For many years I tried to make the solution "don't drink and go to meetings...", because that was what I heard from people. And I wanted it to be that simple. Well, there turns out to be a simple solution, but it involved more than just going to meetings and not drinking... though that is a part of it.

I've been blessed the last few years with a good sponsor who has taught me that value of two things, God, as I understand Him, and, taking different actions. In order to feel better about myself, I need to 1) STOP doing doing those things that make me feel bad and 2) START doing things that make me feel better. This is not an easy thing for me to do. Mostly, because some of the changes I need to make in my behaviors DO NOT produce immediately gratifying results. This is where God comes into the picture. I needed to not only believe in this God, but learn to have the faith that if I take these different actions, I'll get better results. I need to rely on someone, something other than myself. NOT easy for the only child of a single abusive mother who learned 40 years ago that if I wanted something I needed to go out and get it myself!!!

I have walked away from the high pressure career I had, returned to school to get a Masters in Social Work, changes my friends, changed my lifestyle, given up the chase for 'Money, Power and Prestige'... stopped playing god myself... and the results have been wonderful.

It seems that the only thing I've really been looking for in my life is a little peace and serenity... I have that most days...and I have a sponsor to remind me where to get is most other days!

But... the first thing I had to do was stop drinking... nothing else will happen if I keep pouring gasoline on the fire... Find some meetings, find people you can relate too (not compare)... make some freinds in those meetings... find a sponsor whose eyes have that peace and serenity... and KNOW you are not alone

Peace and Love...

Hi inmyhead, How are you doing today? How did it go with the cookout? I hope you are doing ok. Keep taking it one day at a time. Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. Just for today - don't drink.

Michael,

I can relate very much to your post. I do like the way alcohol makes me feel, it numbs me out after a very stressful day. The thing is sometimes the solution is becoming the problem and I don't know how to fix either.

Bluidkiti, The cookout was fine, I did drink but no too excess. However I went home and proceeded to stay up all night drinking a bottle of wine and a beer. I know I need to stop this mess but I am so stuck. I wish recovery could be my number one priority but it can't be due to my demanding job and the only way I know how to relax is through alcohol. On a positive side I was alcohol free for two nights which was very tough. I have thought about going to meeting again but am nervous, I don't know what will be different this time and it's really hard to ask for help, I like to try to fix everything on my own.

Hi inmyhead, Good for you on making 2 nights alcohol free. Today is a new day and you can start again. Just for today - this twenty-four hours - don’t drink. We can do just one day. We’ll let tomorrow worry about itself. Keep coming and letting us know how you are doing. ((((hugs))))

inmyhead... "due to my demanding job and the only way I know how to relax is through alcohol"... is this really true? Over the years I have said something more or less like that many times... but the reality was I knew many ways to relax, but only one that was a quick fix... I needed to get to a place in space and time when I could honestly say to myself that wasn't the truth, and I was just using that 'stressed out from work' reason to drink... or 'my wife left me anyway so I need to drink to kill the pain'... or 'I don't know how to pay the bills I don't have the money'... or... or... or...

There was an episode of M*A*S*H where Hawkeye was getting a lot of flack for his drinking... he said at one point that he 'needed' the drink to unwind... at the end of the show he walked into the bar and said he needed a drink and (I think) Father Mulcahey said perhaps he should leave and come back when he simply 'wanted' a drink...

If I'm drinking because I 'need' to, then I what I really 'need' is to find something else... because, eventually, I really did drink because I needed to... not to relieve the stress, but rather to stop the **** withdrawel symptoms...

Something to think about...

Peace

All of you have so much wealth of hope and support tips, kudos. In order for me to put more than 24 hrs together, I had to first change my surroundings. The house was made booze gone, I did not go to grocery stores, convenient marts, ABC stores. I only went to my AA mtgs and right back home. I removed as much temptation as I could as I am not a strong person in that area. I had one goal, not to drink, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. I contantly kept something in my hand to read, the AA Big Book, my Recovery Bible, my devotional, I also stayed on my computer researching others experiences and how they stayed sober. I listened to a lot of tapes on AA Speakers.org like Clancy and others. All of this helped me remain sober for 2 1/2 yrs and counting. And yes, I still do these things daily, plus now I have the benefit of a sponsor, and the new spiritual tools of the 12 steps. I am so very grateful that my God guides my steps each day and I pray for the wisdom and the knowledge to know His will and for the courage to do His will the very best I can. I know you can do this because I did. Congrats on your continuing sobriety and please keep up posted. We all love you and pray for your continuing success.
In Thy Service
Gloria

Hi everyone - I am not an alcoholic but was raised by a mother, father, and stepfather that were...and then married a "closet" one. I attended AA meetings with him, with permission of the other participants. Later I tried the Al-anon meetings and got absolutely nothing from them, so I continued AA with my husband. The people are so "real" in AA! I could relate because of my childhood and was able to offer input from the "non-drinking" perspective. I am 46 now and have never had any type of substance abuse issues - as I was predicted to have. I don't fault anyone for falling victim to these poisons - especially in this day and time. My saving grace was my memories of my drunken father and the image he portrayed while intoxicated; then my vicious step-dad who beat my mother every weekend. This opened my eyes to seeking out a different way to relieve stress. My ultra-sensitive nature keeps me on alert and when I feel stressed I just dive into some form of physical activity (gardening, landscaping, photography,etc.) Before you know it you've disengaged with any temptation to medicate! As a survivor from an alcoholic family I found that we suffered the same issues as the alcoholic - just sober. So the way I see it is that if I survived that then I can manage anything! And I have. I am a cancer survivor (diagnosed in 2008 with non-Hodgkins lymphoma); have three teenage boys whom I am very proud of (honor students and awesome soccer players)- and I beat an aggressive cancer that was expected to take my life, and was administered the strongest chemo and radiation treatments available! I live life in the real world like anybody else and choose to find a healthy way to "numb" my stresses. Now if that's not encouragement to some, then I don't know what is!

Hi AngelaB, Welcome to SupportGroups.com . I am sorry to hear about what you went through with your father and step-father. It is great that none of it became a reason for you to drink but instead a reason not to. I am very happy to hear that you survived cancer as I know you family is also. Thank you so very much for sharing your story with us. Keep coming and sharing. ((((hugs))))

In My Head, I can really relate to what you have said. I too have tried "willpower" to not drink. "Willpower" is nonexistent for some, definitely for me. I decided eight days ago (yay!) that is was all or nothing for me. So I chose nothing. I gave all my wine away, my tequila, told everyone in my family to not come over with wine (can you tell my drink of choice?), and also told them that I may not be joining them (for awhile) at bbq's etc. This last Friday was hard at first. I usually go to Safeway and get my wine for the weekend. But I watched a movie instead and made it to the end. Another yay! Anyway, good luck to you. Looks like there is some great advice here.
Also, thank you everyone for such good advice. It helps up newcomers.

Hi nowineno, Welcome to SupportGroups.com . You have done right by getting rid of the alcohol. Are you attending AA meetings? If not, what are you doing to stay sober one day at a time? It will get better as time passes. Keep sharing with us and letting us know how you are doing. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))