I don't know what to do anymore. We have been trying to fix

I don't know what to do anymore. We have been trying to fix our marriage for the last 4 months, he ended his 18 month affair in December. He is doing everything right apart from he is keeping his phone guarded like fort knox! There is only one reason I can think of for him doing this, he must be having some sort of contact with her! I have tried to talk to him about it but he won't open up. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and that I can't fix this on my own.

2 Hearts

If he is maintaining contact with her, he must be keeping her hanging. But how long can he do this for. She's gonna want to see him..even just to talk. If you suspect something brewing further down the track hire a private detective.

1 Heart

Same here. My husband was having an affair and says s he stopped that. But guards his phone. He claims he stopped all and gets angry whenever i bring up the matter. I dont trust him at all. Im completelty devestated. I m having a one year ild and im pregnant 35 weeks now.

1 Heart

To be able to really heal they need to regain trust and they can do that by being open and honest about everything. Anything short of that causes anxiety and mistrust. This would be a big red flag because if there was nothing to hide they would be open with their phones. It takes awhile for them to detox from the affair and it won't happen if they keep the lines of contact open.

1 Heart

I've been studying affairs for two years now and your husband probably did end things with the OW. Unfortunately OWs don't get that memo right away. You're going to need to have a heart to heart with your husband and explain to him that full transparency is a safeguard that he needs to adhere to for his own good if he wants to keep you. 98% return to the affair because of the aggressive persistence of the OW and the ego of a man who believes that he can handle the situation.

@Bee4bdn This is so correct! Transparency is what must happen in order for both of you to heal properly. He may very well have ended and with the OW and his actions of doing “everything right” show that. The cell phone issue may be that he does not want you to be hurt knowing that he is being stalked by this woman. I would recommend talking to him, calmly, about your concerns and asking him to either a) change his number and let the phone access be mutual or b) keep the number and allow you to check his phone whenever you want. This is naturally not going to safe guard against him deleting stuff, but it will give you the ability to feel like you are safe. I would suggest that (a) is your best chance at getting her to go away, but it is his choice. The ego that Beed4bdn speaks of is what keeps men going back. My husband spoke of his ego causing him to return to the OW in his affair. Ego and aggressive persistence are the two major factors in returns to affairs. That is why the zero contact rule is so important.

@jenn.a.99 it’s just because he can.

Yes, I'm in the same situation. Keeps his phone and computer a secret. I'm feeling a bit depressed today so I don't have much in the way of advice just know that I understand what you're going through. Hugs..

1 Heart

Thank you everyone for your comments. I am finding it so hard because I know that he's hiding contact with her but I don't know how to make him stop. I did everything in my power last year to make it easy for him to be transparent. I let him talk about everything and bring everything out in the open and I remained calm and supportive (even though the things I heard broke my heart). So I find it unfair that he has gone back to hiding contact and is lying again! I makes the pain that I went through last year a complete waste of time!

1 Heart

@fedupwithlies I like your username, it describe me as well. I’m to the point where I’m letting go, just letting him do what he wants because I’m not getting transparency. My situation is a lost cause already.

Have you tried counseling? It wouldn’t work for us but maybe it would work for the two of you?

I have spoken about counselling but he's not up for it. I think he would just lie there too. I really don't think this is an option for us. All I have ever asked of him from the start is honesty even if it's something bad! He was completely honest until December, but he's distant and closed again now. He claims it's the guilt but I have been with himlong enough to know when he's hiding something!

1 Heart

Since I found out that my wife had been cheating I look at her phone whenever I want and track it when I'm at work I hate doing it but it's all I can do to keep me from going crazy she doesn't like that I look at her phone but she won't fight me on it either because she knows I have no reason to trust her

1 Heart

@jenn.a.99 I went down the road of checking everything last year and the stuff I found still haunts me, so I won’t do that again! I can’t look at his phone anyway because he has a number lock which changes frequently! It is making me so insecure! I don’t think there are any answers, everyone is different. It’s just nice to let off steam because no-one else knows, so I have no-one to talk to about any of this!

He's finally admitted today that he is still phoning and texting her. I had to force it out of him when he hid his phone and stood there telling me he had nothing to hide. I couldn't bear to watch him barefaced lie to my face again!! We haven't talked properly yet because he had to leave for work. We are going to talk when he gets home later. The only thing he did tell me was that it was calls and texts only. He said he fees guilty because she is struggling with it being over and he's trying to help her. I have to make him understand that continued contact is detrimental to us surviving and isn't going to help her to get over it either! I will not tolerate that woman trying to manipulate him back into affair mode again, we have already been there and done that one this time last year!

@fedupwithlies Do you have a guest room? He should be in it until he understands that you are not going to tolerate him "helping" her get over him. He needs to be reminded which side his bread is buttered on. That OW is not going to go away as long as he is feeding her. Actually they rarely go away anyway!!!

He needs to be rude and just tell her hey you know I'm married and my wife is my priority not some sleezy c~nt that doesn't have any idea what commitment means.

You don't need to worry your husband isn't going anywhere but that guest room. I even kept mine in the guest room for a few months after the hysterical bonding started. But I really am a B!tch. My husband hangs up on the OW. He doesn't dare even say F U to her. Hanging up is all the I will tolerate. I've made that very clear to him. He tells me about each and everyone of her pathetic attempts to get him back as well because I do not get made at him. I hold him accountable to be accountable instead.

@Bee4bdn mad not made