I Don't Know What to do Anymore

I am new to this and I have never started a discussion, but I really need to get some advice or find someone that can relate. I have been married for 9 years now with 2 wonderful children, but have not been happy for at least 3 years now. I try to blame a lot of my unhappiness on my cancer diagnosis and loss of a job that year, but those things are just a small part of my unhappiness. I think these things just opened my eyes to my unhappiness in my marriage. Soon after we were married, we stopped going out and doing things as a couple. We then had children and now we don't go out at all just us or with friends. To me, going out to dinner with the kids is not a date. There is no romance in our marriage and my husband doesn't share how he feels. We get in the same arguments about every 2-3 months because nothing changes and I am so bored and lonely at home. Usually he twists my words around or misinterprets what I am saying and I get blamed for blaming or attacking him. I end up crying and we then we don't talk the rest of the day or even next day. Basically, things are just supposed to blow over and forgot about. I am so tired of doing this over and over again. I tried to tell him today again that I was unhappy and I want to do things together as a couple. He listened to me and really had no response. He claimed that he has tried talking to me at night but I am on the computer or ipod. I explained that I do this because I am bored and need more in my life. Of course my conversation ended in myself crying again and him going on with his day and with really no talking for the rest of the day. He tried to tell me before he went to bed that he was sorry if my day was boring today, but I wasn't going to start up again. WTF, you sit here for almost an hour without saying anything and then you try and bring it up right before bed. I just told him goodnight.
I am really tired of trying to make this marriage work. I am sad everyday thinking about it. I have read many posts where people don't understand why their spouse left them, but I wanted to give the perspective of the spouse that is considering leaving. I never thought I would be in this situation, but I really need to make changes in my life or I am not going to survive. He is a good person and I love him, but I can't say I am in love with him anymore. We have really grown apart. This really scares me to death. I could really use some support right now. So tired of crying.

Thanks,
crazymom

Hello, I am sorry for the misery you are feeling. I wish it was as easy as saying go start a regular date night. I think you and your husband have drifted apart due to kids, cancer diagnosis, job loss, and all the other things that get in the way of just having a continuous honeymoon. I was married to a man who I could not communicate with. The silent treatment went on for so long that it became a way of life. We literally went weeks without communicating. I was embarrassed and humiliated by the behavior, but I didn't tell anyone because I felt so ashamed. I hope you will consider telling a marriage counselor that you are bored and lonely and that you are shutting down. Go with or without him. You will need the help either way. A counselor will help you frame the problem and decide if the marriage is something you want to work on, or if you are ready to move on and be by yourself. I have found this forum to be of little help to my specific problem, but I do find comfort in knowing that I am not alone in divorce misery. The sitluations of the members of this site are all different, but the feelings of loneliness, shame, sadness, etc. are very much the same. Maybe if you stay with this site for a while, you will get some ideas that apply to your situation.

I would get some counselling but also, I have been married to the same man, my only marriage, for 14 years now and felt like what you are going thru at one time. I suffer from depression and went thru childhood from hell. was given up for adoption when i was nine and wasn't able to communicate effectively. I was expecting miracles. Sounds like your husband really does love you and that he just lacks the skills to see what it is you really need. I found for me that it wasn't anything my husband could do, it was me, I had to start doing my interests. So I bought a horse and started riding and then bought one for my son and we both ride together. He is ten and I can't wait for hte days we go riding together. My husband and I finally learned to really talk, but it took awhile and I'm so glad we never gave up. I still have major issues of my own and many times still suffer, but I love him and and am glad that we are together no matter what. I hope you really look at what sort of hobbies you like or what you;ve always done that makes you happy and then just start doing them. It's good to do some things on your own and have your own identity and then have your together time with your husband. I've lost a few friends to cancer over the years so I know how scary and hard that is on a marriage. But you guys loved each other once, and love isn't always romantic like in the beginning. I would love to support you and would be there for you if you like. let me know. I have my own problems, I have stolen food and have depression and have been dealing with the aftermath of my addiction (stealing food when I'm broke), but I have my own support friend and it helps. Go see a counsellor but dont give up on your marriage just yet. I truly thing there is hope for you both and you could both love each other not like before, but in a deeper more real way, like what happened to my husband and I. Would love to support you. Take care, will be thinking of you. -Julz

Thanks for your support and advice, both of you. It really helped me to write my feelings out last night and just see what other people thought. Soft - Yes the ignoring each other kills me every time. Now I just expect it to happen every time. I hate to think that I am not communicating effectively. He knows what I am saying. He even jokes about saving money by not going out. I just wish he could give some type of response. Give me some hope that he is going to make an effort. Nothing. And as I expected after not speaking the rest of the night, he calls from work and wants to know what is wrong. WTF do you think is wrong. I am supposed to just forget and go back to the way things are. I had my "episode" and now we can go on. I may suggest a counselor but don't think he will go. For one thing he likes to be private and doesn't want other people to know our issues and another he would have to pay someone to watch our children when we go. He won't even get a sitter for us to go out for dinner or a date, he is not going to pay for one to go to a counselor. I am considering going myself, but I truly hate talking to to a therapist or counselor. It is emotionally draining.
I know that he loves me, but i really don't know if we are "in love" anymore. I am not even talking romance. I am talking about feeling the love/connection from the other person. I can't help thinking that maybe it is too late. I guess I will see what happens in the next few days because this time I am not letting things go "back to normal". I can't live this way anymore. It's way to depressing and lonely.
I am sure I will keep you posted. Anyone else have advice feel free. I am open to suggestions.

Thanks,
crazymom

I feel like we are living the same life. I am a lonely stay at home mom of three kids. My boyfriend and I have been together for five years, we're not married because of multiple excuses he has. I have been "in love" with him from the start of our relationship. After having kids, and other trials in our relationship I feel like there really isn't hope. Someone suggested to me to get a part time job, try church, get a hobby or just do something I enjoy. These are all things I am going to try in hopes that even if my relationship doesn't work, I have something in my life I can look forward to. I have become negative/emotional/bitter. I no longer want to feel this way either. My boyfriend also flat out refuses to go to therapy, and also refuses to pay for me to go. So I have decided that each of us are writing a list of our likes and dislikes of the other person. And after putting our kids to bed, sitting down and discussing everything on our list. I thought this would be the best alternative to counceling. You're not alone in the way you feel. Stay strong.

Hey there....whoa....you know alot of marriages are like this, especially when kids come along. In this economy alot of couples just don't go out.

Have an indoor date.

Most men don't express their feelings. It IS frustrating.

Things change when kids come along. Just remember they grow so fast and you will have the rest of your life for dates together!!

stay strong, hang in there. I would recommend marriage counseling, hobbies, do your own thing for awhile. Its not the end of a marriage, its raising children that you love and feel love!!

Stay married, be strong and engage in activities you enjoy, he will see it and want to join in your happiness. <3

good luck,
jeanna

Alternative opinion
Yes I'm a man and yes I can do emotion
My wife couldn't. 6 year marriage mostly bad but two lovely kids.
She would never go out and if we did wouldn't talk
I tried everything and went to marriage counselling but she couldn't or didn't want yo see my point of view
It got to the stage where I knew I would die if I stayed so I left

Best decision I ever made but hardest
Better relationship with my kids and her
The bottom line is you have to be sure you've tried to resolve issues before you leave but don't stay in a loveless dead marriage

Pattyray - Thank you for sharing your story. I too have become negative, emotional, and bitter. I lose my temper all the time and snap at my kids. I cry very easily, and I shut down and just zone in on the computer to avoid dealing with reality. I no longer want to feel this way either. We had another talk tonight and this one sank in a bit. He seemed pretty much oblivious to my unhappiness with our marriage and I told him that I am reaching a point that I am looking at separating if things don't change. He had no clue that all of the things that we have been fighting over for the last 3 years were making me that unhappy. At one point we were going to talk about the positives of our relationship. He starting bringing up that he watches the kids and is a good provider and then I stopped him and said those were good points but they are not "relationship" positives. He had nothing. Everything was financial, family, job, etc.
The sad thing is after having this long talk with him and him promising he was going to change, I still don't know if I am "in love" with him. I'm trying to think that maybe I have shut down and have been so unhappy for so long, I may not ever get that feeling. Then what? Do you stay in a marriage that they are now trying to be more loving towards you, or do you leave anyway for the hopes of finding someone else to fall "in love" with. Why can't things be easy. ~~ CrazyMom

Jeanna - That you for responding, but my husband has always been frugal to put it nicely. He has money to go out to dinner and go on vacation, but he would rather put every penny we have into savings for retirement and the kids college, etc. There needs to be a limit on that. I respect that he likes to save money, but everything, for what? In the last 5 1/2 years since my first kid was born, we have gotten a babysitter 4-5 times. That's not healthy. I understand that kids change things, but you still need to do things with your spouse. I can't even get him to rent a movie to watch together at home. The last one I watched be myself. Kids grow fast, but that doesn't mean I should deserve any bit of attention or affection from my spouse except on the nights he is horny. I am tired of doing hobbies by myself when I get the spare change. I want to do things with my spouse. That is why I married him. I love raising our children, but that is separate from relationship. I can raise my children separately, but I can not have a relationship by myself in a marriage.

Totally agree with that Jeanna a husbands role should be as varied as a wife's
If all you do is focus on the kids . That's all you talk about your marriage will collapse when they grow up or move away

Either that or one party or other will leave which is a lot better than staying in the hell your marriage has become

Marriage is not ever ever ever just about the kids that's just wrong

I am sorry if I offended you. It sounds as if I did. Please forgive me. That was not my intent. i was only trying to help.

I believe a marriage is life giving. Its not all about what the other can do for me me me me - its about what can I do for the other.

I believe children make the marriage grow, it is not seperate. To me that doesn't make sense.

So, you asked for opinions, I was just giving mine.

Please don't attack me for giving my opinion.

Good luck to you, I hope you try and work things out by seeing a marriage counselor. You could really use one.

Jeanna I dont see attack here I see people's experience and people's hurt feelings
I agreed with some of what you say but not all of it
Surely that's my and everyone else's right
If you are going to get offended because people differ with you you are setting yourself up for upset

Jeanna - You did not offend me at all. I am sorry if I came across that way. This is such an emotional battle and sometimes I don't think before I type. You are right on a lot of points. I love doing things as a family and raising our kids together. I say that this is separate because we never do things alone, by ourselves, or even with friends. I guess I miss that a lot. I always knew that he was not good at sharing his feelings but before I could feel that he cared and wanted to do things for me. As you said, marriage is making the other person happy, but somehow I ended up on the bottom of the priority list. After 3 years of feeling like this, I have shut down and stopped doing things to make him happy as well. Anything to try and get him to see how unhappy I am. This is where we stand now. The sad thing is he was oblivious to why I am so unhappy. We did have a long talk last night and I think I opened his eyes a little as to how unhappy I am with our relationship. He said he is going to try harder and start doing things together and even talk to each other about how we feel. I told him that if this doesn't work we will need to go to counseling or separate. We will see what happens.
I truly love everyones support they have given on here. It really gave me the strength to actually confront these issues and go forward. My next battle is with my mother. That's another long story for a new support group. LOL

Thanks everyone,
crazymom