I am so nervous right now....I was raped by my husband three weeks ago and I don't know what to do. We have been on a roller coaster ride for the last few years, but this is so far above and beyond what I thought he was capable of, and I don't have a clue what to do from here. We haven't really spoken since it happened. I told him how upset I was and how violated I felt. He had no explanation for why it happened and of course wants to work things out, but I am disgusted by the whole thing. I haven't been able to look at him, and it's becoming increasingly difficult to ignore him in front of the kids. Does anyone have any suggestions???
I dont think I understand being raped by your own husband! you took vows! men, we need it to survive. even if we never ask. I know I do. Sorry for your pain, but a woman has duties to fulfill in a marriage. Its gonna be expected if you 2 are still married and live under the same roof. FOR BETTER OR FOR WORST! If you are not attracted to him anymore, divorce. just like you, we always feel there is hope to fix it and sometimes we feel sex is the answer that brings us back close. especially if its always been really good. but just like anything else, it fades too. I can relate from both sides I guess, I once kicked my lady off the bed for touching me. I was repulsed by her after insulting my for days on in. I didnt want to be touched or spoke to. I felt disgusted by her and by myself, especially being a man. Once you start feeling like its rape, he is not your husband anymore. Take your ring off because you 2 are strangers. The kids will get over it. trust me. its not worth holding on for the kids. they feed off both of your happiness!!! no one is as sensative to people than your kids are to you and him. you both love them, then keep them healthy!
Thanks for the response. I’m relieved to hear, especially from a male perspective, that I’m not overreacting. It wasn’t violent, but I think he may have slipped something into my drink. I said no repeatedly, but he wouldn’t stop. I am disgusted by him and I can’t imagine ever getting to a point where I would voluntarily have sex with him again after what happened. He says he’s sorry and that it will never happen again, but I feel so violated both physically and emotionally, I just don’t think that I can get past it.
He violated YOU & he needs to take responsibility for it & yes there are laws against it if you chose that route. Once someone does this it takes years sometimes to understand & move on from it. My so called husband would use mechanic mirrors on me watching under the door while I was in the bathroom taking a shower, he confessed this & ALOT MORE in '03, hes bipolar/schzoid/borderline & alcohol dependent). My story would take way too long to explain or type out so all I can say is that your feelings are JUSTIFIED, its gonna take alot of work from both partes if your staying w/him.
I'm so sorry for what HE TOOK FROM YOU, please dont hesitate to keep talking w/us here, your not alone.
April
Thank you April, I appreciate your words of support. I can’t tell you how alone I’ve felt for the past 3 weeks, it helps to know that someone out there is understanding of my feelings. Thank you.
All my strengths & I'll be thinking of you.
April
Thank you! He is actually acting as if he is mad at me now for not talking to him. I am now contemplating selling the house that I dearly love, so that I can afford to kick him out. I end up having my 8 year old sleep with me most nights so that he won’t sleep in my bed. I had some friends over last night, and we spent most of the night in different rooms. I don’t even know how to fake liking him right now. I keep thinking that it will get easier over time, but it actually seems to be getting harder.
I started getting my house ready a while ago & then of course the market & comparables crapped out a door so will be here for some time & yes it is hard & feels like a pretend game most of the time, I just go on daily & started 2yrs. ago gather up as much info as I could to be kinda prepared, no wonder lawyers are so expensive & even mediators too. I was checking out roommates to rent rooms out if need be. It seems to be such a waste when people suck life out of a person & then dont seem to acknowledge it or take responsibility for what THEY created sucks...so its up to us to help our selves & empower ourselves to a better way of life.
I know what you mean, it couldn’t be a worse time to sell a house. This is basically my dream house too, not real fancy, comfortable and warm (or at least it used to be) but it’s more than I ever thought I would have.
I had to go shopping today and I couldn’t look at anyone, I was fighting back tears the whole time. Then, on the way home I lost it, I cried and cried and I wasn’t sure I would be able to stop. As soon as I pulled into the garage I had to pull myself together because I knew the girls would ask me what was wrong. My youngest noticed right away that I had been crying and asked me what happened. She was pretty persistent, but I managed to distract her with something that I knew she would like from the store. I hate the thought of having to answer any questions, I’m a terrible liar, and they love their daddy.
I don’t know why this seems to be getting worse instead of better. I feel broken and I don’t know how to become whole again.
OH YES, I've wanted to breakdown in Walmart & other places & its very difficult especially w/kids & trying to keep the situation as painless as possible for all, I didnt start feeling better til 2 yrs. ago about my whole situation & looked way back 20yrs. ago & realized that I'd always been OK in one form or another, regardless what was dealt directly or indirectly, so in acknowledgeing that to myself started minute by minute, day by day feeling better, no matter what was going on in my house or whos around. Crap I've been lucky enough to have owned 5 homes in my lifetime & had a good career up until now, so I know its gonna be OK. Your gonna be OK when you start dealing w/yourself & not just going through the motions for everyone else. If I'd told half of what I'd been through w/my so called husband, it might make others lives sound DOABLE. Your stepping in the right direction by coming here & your gonna go further, I can tell....... If you dont mind me asking is your name on the DEED? You may want to reconsider keeping the place in months from now as you walk through this journey. Write when you feel like it, I know your exhausted.
April
As far as I know my name is on the deed, we signed all the papers together. I broke down on Sunday and told him that the only two options I could come up with were either to go to counseling (again), or to sell the house so that we could afford to buy two separate houses. Of course, he chose counseling. He hasn’t made an appointment yet, but we’ll see how that goes, to be honest, I’m not real hopeful.
Thanks for all your words of support, I really appreciate it!
All of that IS up to you counseling or not & YOUR choice to make, it does take time & years for things to sink in & when one is in emergency MODE it difficult to make any decision, just getting up to breath let alone function in a FOG. You mentioned counseling AGAIN? Hummmmmmm, I'm sorry honey.
Yeah, counseling AGAIN. The first time was because he chose his job over his family for three years, I slipped into a deep depression and almost killed myself (all the while he was too oblivious to notice that anything was wrong). We came out of that okay, and he made an honest effort to be more present. It wasn’t bad up until 4 weeks and 1 day ago, now I feel like he has taken away everything good that ever existed in our relationship.
Tell him your not interested in maintaining anything but a cordial relationship with him...I don't see how anyone would ever consider a future with someone who raped them. Trust is gone and you can't force yourself to love someone who did that to you. It almost sounds like your getting raped again. Your relationship should be over and the only way you can "fake it" with him is if you know your leaving him on a cordial note. You can live with someone (until the housing market is better) and consider them a roomate....nothing more. It seems like women who have been abused (whether one time or over a course of time) consider their husbands or partners feelings rather than their own. Get rid of him! As the saying goes..."if he does it once...he'll do it again."
I would have bet almost anything in this world that he wouldn’t have done it the first time, so I am so confused about the whole thing. I go from being sad and depressed to being really pissed off. I’m on the really pissed off train right now. I am definitely from the school of “once a cheater, always a cheater” or “if he hits you once, he’ll do it again”, but to be honest I never really thought about spousal rape before. I guess I should apply the same way of thinking, I just never thought that kind of thing would happen, not with him. We start counseling on Monday, I don’t think it will help, but at least I can say that I tried.
Why even try? If trust is gone you can't force yourself to think or believe otherwise. I think women tend to sacrifice their own feelings...Spousal rape is I think worse than stranger rape because here you were RAPED by someone you thought you could trust, who you loved...Now, they are asking you to go back to before that time and trust them again? Maybe you should tie him up and sodomize him..then ask him to forgive you and to love and trust you again. I'm sure he wouldn't...so why would you allow him to manipulate your emotions? Be cordial for the kids but don't try again with him...it seems like there is something inherently wrong with him to do that to you..someone he professe to love. I'd hate to see what he's do to you if he hated you....
In addition, use your therapy session to tell him how you feel and to acclimate him to the idea that you are no longer together. I think having a professional to mediate this is a good thing...considering he raped you..who's to say he won't do worse? Men who have selfish and insecure egos usually do the raping and the killing...so be careful to caress his ego while you instill in his head that your leaving him and never will you be back with him. And what I mean by caress his ego...gently tell him he's an asshole or go full blown crazy, foam at the mouth and tell him to get the ***** out of the house.Make sure you have a witness (your therapist) and tell him not to come near you. Threaten with the police and BY NO MEANS GO BACK WITH HIM.
Lost, he IS showing HIS true colors & patterns of behavior & yes the RED FLAGS mark the way & YES they will try & blame you or anything else, I've experienced this a million times so try & do your best to not LET HIM & know its within HIM & nothing YOU'VE done. It will take time for things to sink in when your ready & then you will begin to set yourself up. Your in my thoughts.
Lojen3, I like the way your putting things even when its difficult for others to take it all in & especially when they have lost their sanctuary/safe place/security, sucks that there are just SO many nowadays.
April
Why thank you April…it makes me angry that they get victimized more than once in the process…most people (including myself) are conflicted with their emotions from loving a person they thought they knew, to hating (justifiably) the person now in front of them…mish mash that all together and it just causes even more stress on the brain and heart… the love that they (the victim)feels towards the perp dulls the hate/anger they should feel. If they felt that anger during and after an event like that…it might squash any future incidents. I can’t stand that society has placed a hold on the feelings of women…inprisoning them in passivity. Men (who are assholes)don’t want to acknoweldge what they have done so they intimidate women to be silent. And women who are scared, repress all their emotions and try to rationalize, internalize their failings and feelings until they no longer exist. All it takes is someone to acknowledge you and your feelings to slap you back into yourself for you to change.
Its all a long process & usually stems from ones past, the way one is raised, genetic links if applicable, traumatic experiences etc...This is WHY it takes years sometimes, even for a good therapist to help people realize or lead people out of whatever situation their in or created or caused on themselves directly/indirectly, let alone trying to figure it out by yourself/themselves. Its like trying to trouble shoot an engine, you fix one thing & then find something else broken.
All my strengths