My husband has schizophrenia and bi-polor and who knows what else. Some days you can't even tell, others it can be very difficult. I think it is getting worse. He won't seek help and I can't help him either. No doctors will talk to me because I do not have power of attorney. I can't even deal set up doctors appt. or fix his insurance problems. It seems like he can not even care for himself any longer and I depend on him to care for the boys while I am at work. Then while I'm gone I'm in fear of something bad happening. I think that I just can't handle this anymore, I am not qualified to care for someone in his condition. This is killing me being with him, it makes my life very difficult. I am suffering with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and ptsd all from the the things I have delt with my whole life. I feel like taking care of him is unfair to me and the life I wish to lead; but at the same time it's not right for me to just walk out on my family. I love him and feel horrible about how I feel. I can not talk to him. He doesn't understand and I do not wish to hurt him. I just don't know what to do any more??
hi,
My husband has felt that way about me- I have the same diagnoses as your husband. There were recently about 4 years of complete hell for both me and my family, due to my increased illness and inability to care for myself - or anyone else. Finally , this past year, after many many hospitalizations, I got onto a good combo of drugs which is working for me...and things are better. Of course I'm not nor ever will be "normal" or the wife he really wants me to be. But at least now, I am able to contribute a little bit to the running of the house and family.
My husband never had the problem of power of attorney, I don't think...When things got really bad, he would call 911 and they would take it from there. If your husband is judged by the doctors to be a danger to himself or others...and that includes neglecting to meet his own basic needs or to make you feel safe in the house, or secure that he won't do anything to harm himself or someone else while you aren't there...then he will be committed involuntarily to the hospital. And then the decision making regarding his care, will to a greater degree be your right to participate in.
I don't know what to tell you about whether or not to leave. I know I have strong feelings about which is the right thing to do; but perhaps they are biased by which side of that fence I'm coming from. I know that you need to talk to your husband during his clearer moments. Tell him or your concern, worry, and fears. TELL him that you are going to have to leave him if he doesn't make some move to get some help and to take some medication. Tell him the medicine WILL help him to feel better, once he's got a good combination of them ...and that if he can't agree to this, you will be forced to leave him to his own devices. Honestly, I did not begin to improve until I was literally a day away from being admitted to a State psych ward for long term commitment. This is my worst nightmare...worse than homelessness. And that fear motivated me to cooperate with the people who were trying to help me.
Show you husband this note from me if you want. I was totally disabled and unable even to put one coherent sentence together. And now, you probably wouldn't be able to tell that I have this illness if you didn't know. And remember; it IS an illness. Same as cancer. it would be hard to have a spouse with cancer; would you leave THEM?
This is a physical disease of the brain...and in no way your husband's fault. But you have to let him know that he must in some way cooperate with your efforts to help him.
Although, my husband's and my relationship has been probably damaged beyond repair by my illness, he has stuck wiht me through a sense of honor and obligation to me...and for this, I am grateful. Because, I well know where I would be if he did not do that. Our relationship is not BAD now; just not like a husband and wife. It is more like Patient/nurse and on good days; friends. But I think for both of us, it caused us much less misery to go through it together than apart,
I know that what you are going through is hell.
And I wish you the very best, in whatever path you take.
My fiancee has the same diagnosis, sz with bipolar. We were supposed to be married first of the year, that is now on hold. There are a few ppl that give me inspiration you included Lunar Queen, My man just became ill in the last few months, and there are times that I feel like its just too much already, but I do love him, and we have been through sooo much together and I know it would be so much harder for him to get better if he had to do it without me. And even though he is different now, I still love him more than life itself, and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I know we have a long road ahead though.But seeing that it can be done, gives me hope that we can make it. I get alittle worried that i will feel cheated in some way not having him as he was and not necesarily what I want or need him to be.I just try to remind myself that he is still in there even when his brain tries to trap him inside of himself. I know if it were me I would want him to be there for me, and I think he would.
hi,
For some reason it didn't dawn on me that you weren't talking about your husband, but about your fiancee.
To some degree this may be different than my initial advice to you. YOu see, to me, the marriage vows involve a significant commitment to each other...in sickness and health...for better or for worse... And this is something I believe we must seriously consider before God before we get married.
If you are seeing this illness destroy your fiancee prior to making this commitment to him, I would urge you to seriously search your heart and ask yourself : am I willing to live FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, with a man who will never be the husband I would wish him to be? Am I willing to sacrifice my own satisfaction and maybe sometimes, safety, for the well-being of this man, who may never be able to show me his gratitude? Am I willing to endure a long period of instability during the first ten years of his illness? Am I willing to endure the need to convince him DAILY of the need to take his meds and to make sure that he does? Am I willing to endure what may be a hell until we find the right combination of meds for him?
These are important questions. YOu must consider the worst case scenarios and see if you are really willing to endure them out of the love that you have for him...because if you have doubts...leave him NOW before things get worse. Once you are in a marriage commitment it is so much harder, (and I believe so much more WRONG) to leave him.
If you can honestly say that you are willing to endure all these things and hang on to the hope that one day, he will be well enough to contribute once more to the relationship, then, God bless you! YOu are a true angel.
But if you have to say, NO, I'm not willing to do all this. Then you must leave him...and congratulations on being honest enough to make a tough decision. It IS hard to leave now. And he DOES need you now more than ever...but you must think 10 years down the road and know that you will be content to stay even then. Otherwise you will hurt him even more by leaving than you would now.
I'm sorry if I pushed you to stay so hard in my first letter...i had thought he was your husband,...and to me that makes a big difference.
It's a tough decision you are facing.
Yes, he can get stable and well.
But yes, it can be a long hard road to get there.
And NO, he will never be rid of the disease.
God bless you for caring for him enough to even consider staying with him through all that is ahead. I will pray for you tonight that you can make the decision that is and will always be, best for both of you.
All my best wishes,
Cynthia
I’m such an idiot.
I didn’t realize that I was talking to two different people!
Gypsy, and Jessica.
WEll, the gist of my comments will remain the same.
Jessica, I believe you owe your husband your commitment because that is what you promised to give him when you got married. But it is understandable that you would want to leave. Seek a good group of supporters for yourself to give you the encouragement you need to help you through the tough times…and hang in there. I believe that in heaven, God holds special regard for those who have remained faithful to their marriage vows through tough times and for the long haul. This is not a popular view in these days of “put me first and if it feels good, do it” but I believe wholeheartedly that it is the right one./
Gypsy,
My comments in the note immediately above, apply to you.
Think long and hard before committing your life to your husband, because that is in truth what you are giving him…If you can live–maybe for years–with little reward and little personal satisfaction from you husband who is now your fiancee…then many blessings to you. Yes, there is hope for him and for you, but you may have to endure some rough roads to get there.
God bless you both …I wouldn’t want to be in either of your shoes…but then I wouldn’t want to have to wear mine either! God has his reasons for giving us the loads we carry…and someday we will see what they were.
Blessings,
Cynthia
thank you Lunar Queen, again I take alot of comfort in knowing that there are ppl out there who have beat the odds, such as yourself, I have read so much about how marriages are wrecked over this disease. The statisitcs typically lead to divorce. I also know that I don't have to be a statistic, and he doesn't have to be a statistic. The man I fell in love with is still in there. And as much as I hate what has happened to him, he is really not that bad off, at least not right now. He always had little things about him about him that maybe pointed to something being a little off about him, like he would always think I was cheating on him or that members of my family were plotting against him. But it wasn't till a few months ago that he became very ill and it seemed almost out of no where. He ended up in the hospital, I thought he had some kind of head injury or some kind of brain trauma, because he just lost it, literally. He spent 6 days in the hospital and was tested for every medical condition the doctors could think of, and finally found nothing medically wrong. He has been on meds since the day he left the hospital and other than forgetting sometimes about wether he took it or not, he willingly takes his meds. So I guess thats a good thing. Everyday I miss him though and I look for signs of who he was. Sometimes I see them and sometimes I don't. Although I know Im not telling you anything you don't already know.I know I have a lot to figure out, and I can appreciate that things happen for a reason. And I want to be there for him. I can't honestly say that theres no doubt in my mind that I can handle this, but I know I have to try. I've been through A LOT with this man and I haven't given up on him yet. I saw him through a nasty drug addiction, and he has been clean for two years now...that was hard. I just know that I love him with all my heart, and I guess thats really all I need to know right now. And with Gods help, I think we can make it through this. I know that there is more chance than not that he will NEVER be the same again. But I know he has a better chance with love and support and someone there to catch him when he falls. I am not generally a selfish person, and I know to stay in this relationship and to go in with the wedding and marry him is requiring myself to sacrifice alot, probably more than I even realize right now. But I have to believe in him and in myself. And I know I get on here and ramble alot, but it helps. And being able to talk to others who are going through the same situations is about the only thing that keeps my head up. So thank you for that, you and everyone else I am able to talk to and learn from. You are all wonderful. Your story gives me hope.
God bless you . Your fiancee has no idea how lucky he is to have found someone like you. All the best to you both.