I don't know where to turn

[tonightivefallen]

I'm really depressed. And I've never felt so alone in my life.

I've always been really hurt by the guys I dated. Mentally and physically.
I believe this is why I kissed my best friend one night. She's a girl. I'm a girl. But I knew I could trust her. That she wouldn't hurt me. (so I thought). So I did. She's not gay either. But we are still together. Secretly. It's been 2 years. We both don't really understand how it worked but we love each other. And we both don't think we are into girls. Just each other?

I can't tell my parents. They wouldn't approve. She can't tell hers. They don't believe in it. My friends had heard rumors and instead of confronting me, they spread the rumors more and added to them. About me and my girlfriend. Therefore, I don't have them anymore. It sucks when the people in your life you think you can trust the most stab you in the back. So now, I don't have any friends. The one that I do have lives far away. And I don't want to tell her about myself because I don't want to lose the only "friend" I have left.

Also. Recently I found out that my girlfriend has been lying to me. I caught her once about 6 months ago, talking to her ex boyfriends and guys at work that like her, and girls that like her... people she knows I wouldn't want her talking to. She told me she wouldn't do it again. Thats when just recently, I caught her. Again. Talking to her ex boyfriend who at one point she thought she was going to marry. I feel like I can't trust anyone. She really hurt me. And hurt my trust more than it was. But Im scared to leave her. I love her very much, but she lies and lies. About everything. I don't want to be alone. Im scared of myself. What I would do if I didn't have her. She's the only one that knows how depressed I am. I'm afraid of being completely, entirely alone. She also just said to me the other day that she doesn't think she'll ever be able to tell her parents. Ever. So.... I don't know. She waited 2 years to tell me that..

I cry a lot. Especially when I'm alone. I drink. To feel better.
The only reason I haven't tried to kill myself is because I don't want to do that to my parents and grandparents.
Sometimes I wish that someone in my family would die so that I have a reason to tell people why I'm severely depressed.

[wiffyatthehub]

oh honey i'm so terribly for all the pain your in. i'd like to sprinkle some pixie dust and make it better for you. i can tell you some steps i took in my life to change the insanity that was my life if your interested i'd be glad to just let me know. i'm glad you found your way to this site. helped save my life at yet another devastating life challenge.....hugs from houston......kathy

[tonightivefallen]

Kathy, I would love it if you shared. I just want to be happy. And enjoy life. And not feel alone.

[wiffyatthehub]

i found a new life in AA. for people like us drinking makes things worse. i had to get to the point of looking at ME and not everyone/everything. alot of what was wrong in my life was me not ‘them’. how i mean this hun is: as a result of all that happened to me where my choice or not morphed me into someone i was not. it’s journey inside yourself hun. gotta get real honest about the hurts, fears, vulnerabilities. very scarey. pride says i need not, fear i dare not. i found support groups, great counselor and the biggest of all faith. following all this life has never been better. s— still happens but your able to get to the other side. i had a mess of a life in the pit of hell/insanity. don’t go it alone. remember i can’t we can. oh honey my heart breaks for. if i tould you my life story it would take volumes as i’m sure yours would to. if you questions please feel free to ask. my life is an open book for you hun if any of it will help you. if your more comfortable you can use the private boards. don’t give up honey, it will get better if your willing to work thru it