This weekend was hard for me. Mike came up Saturday for the football game which was good and I enjoyed seeing my mother and my younger brother there too. Mike and I walked around a bit at night, grabbed some ice cream- and then I became extremely guilty about it and mike noticed. I told him my mom said she thought I lost weight and asked if I was happy here. I told him that I couldn't have lost weight! I was x amount in nursing lab the week before and that was so much more than over the summer!
Mike asked what I was over the summer and I told him. Though I had told him a few weeks ago of my struggles over the summer, he never knew the extent of it. He asked how many times I weighed myself over the summer even though I had promised last time I recovered I would stay away from the scale. What else I did the summer and I told him truthfully I had purged, restricted, binged. He was upset but told me he was there for me, and to talk to him. That he was glad I was finally going to get help, and a nutritionist would help me figure out how to eat again and the psychologist would help me figure out the why's. I cried. It was like the first time I had ever told him I had an eating disorder all over again- but it was good. And he left to go back to his campus today.
Tomorrow is a huge day for me. I have my first meeting with my nutritionist. I have no idea how I feel about it, or what to expect. And to top it all off, I have to tell my mom tomorrow. And I just don't want to but I know I have to. At least I have Mike to keep me calm and to talk to. But I wish he was here with me instead of far away.
Good for you allee! Just think tomorrow may be difficult but your mom is only going to support the healing process. It will be hard for her but she just wants the best for you and you know that. Mike seems like such a great supporter and It's so great that you have him to be there with you when you need him. Look at the nutritionist as just the first day is tomorrow. You aren't expected to all of a sudden follow every rule or accept every food-related change that she makes to your life. The both of you will work together and with time help you eat normally. It won't all happen tomorrow so don't worry too much. Best of luck and let us know how everything goes!!!
Thanks Sonrisas for the positive thoughts. I know that I won't have to change everything tomorrow. I am just nervous. I keep thinking the nutritionist will think I am weird. I mean yeah I am afraid of food, and I have 'bad' foods, but I don't necessarily stay away from them- and sometimes I binge and bad foods I choose. I mean I am just all over the place.I feel bad because I am not fully in my disorder so I am not underweight or fully into my old habits, because all summer I have been fighting hard to tread on water instead of sink. I feel like I don't deserve treatment.
With my mom...I know she will be fine. I just don't want to deal with her freaking out or them calling me or whatever. At least its over the phone. I was thinking about just saying it tonight. Just so I don't have to deal with it. I typed up what I want to say just so I feel like I am more organized and don't panic. I want to just like message her or text her. I am too coward to even voice it. I don't know. Everything is just too unorganized for me to handle right now
There’s no reason to think that you don’t “deserve” treatment. There’s no comparing who’s sicker than whom and who needs treatment more. It doesn’t always show on the outside, and it’s not always easy to compare the inside, either. If it hurts, you deserve help. My nutritionist put it to me like this–you would tell someone with a broken leg to get help; why not someone with a broken heart or spirit?
No problem, i'm here for you. Its crazy how much I know how you feel about feeling weird. I would describe everything but i'm not sure you want to hear it (i'm sure you've been through much of the same). It is such a good idea that you figured out what you're going to say beforehand. I have heard that that is an awesome technique for telling things like this to people, so good for you! Since you are feeling so unorganized, writing out what you're going to say will hopefully help you get your thoughts together. If you feel like getting the conversation over with then do it. Whenever the time is right go for it. It won't make a difference time wise when you tell her as long as your comfortable with when, you are going to tell her. Bottom line. Regardless if you ever want to talk i'm here on IM email whatever!
Aw thank you so much :) You are making me feel so much better about the whole thing! I know this probably sounds insensitive, but do you think telling her tonight like starting it through a text would be a bad thing? I think it may be the only way to allow me to start the talking. YOu know?
What constitutes starting it? If you tell her through a text then she will probably call you a little stressed out looking for more answers. If you begin with a text like hey mom i'm having some trouble with food and i wanted to know if we could just talk for a few about it. Initiating it with something along that line would be more appropriate, BUT i would say if you're just not comfortable at all with that kind of approach then just do what makes you comfortable. If your not comfortable you will be less likely to open up and be completely honest about how you're feeling. It all depends on the person but I think you could initiate it with a text but not talking over the phone may make your mom feel like she doesn't have all the information which will make her worry and call you more in the future. Be upfront from the beginning!
hmmm it is really hard to hear someone say comments on your wieght--ugh, im sorry about that as it is good you are not weighing yourself now, that only ends up in despair
thinking of you and you are doing great things and hope all goes well with the nutritionist!
I have realized that a mothers love is amazing and powerful. Tell her your struggles and how difficult this is for you. Yes, she will be upset, but most importantly, she will want to help you. My mom send me daily reminders in emails and when I am having a rough day just seeing that she is thinking about me and saying a quick prayer for me feels so amazing.
allee....as you let others know, and allow them to support you, I truly believe you will not feel so alone or misunderstood. If someone rejects you b/c of this, they are probably not a positive person for you to have in your life. If a family member does not understand, you still have to fight for what you need...and accept that they may or may not come to understand, but YOU still need to take care of yourself. I'm so happy that Mike is there for you!
About the text to your Mom...I haven't read your other post, but I think if that was the way you felt you could do it, then so be it. I think the issue deserves a conversation. Maybe it would be helpful if you could explain it to your Mom in terms of being related to your emotions, etc.? Then she may be more open to talking about it. Such as...I have been feeling......and.....so on.
Good job...take care....Jan ♥
Yeah, I think for me there is an emotional block between me and my parents whether I created it in myself or if they instilled it in me as I grew up. But I have always felt that way. So honestly it was the only way I could actually do it. And it worked out well. She called after just to ask a few non- scary questions like if she needed to do anything else and insurance. She completely supports me, and I never doubted she would, it is just a weird thing for me to show my weaknesses.
allee...you are not weak, this is an illness! This is important for you to understand as well as helping others also. You can recover from this and be free of this to life your live.....not weak, but very strong dear! ♥