Hi,
I am posting this in an ocd support group though I'm not sure if I have ocd. I have searched online to try and find a mental disorder/problem that matches my situation but I can't find anything that helps me figure out what is going on in my head. Maybe someone can help me understand if this is or is not ocd?
I have an idealistic vision of the kind of person I want to be. The perfect me has certain ways of thinking, acting, eating, exercising, etc. that I fall short of. I try to start over my life and be like this perfect me. But I fail, which brings on the “screw it syndrome” for the rest of the day. So I start over again. And then I fail again and start over again and again. It first started when I was ten years old. I would close my eyes and open them in a prolonged blink to “start over”. Then when I messed something up (the most trivial things), I would do it again. If I got stuck in this pattern, I could start over many times an hour, but sometimes If I wasn't thinking about it I could go for a while without doing so. Now I'm 22 and I still do this but other forms of starting over dominate. My most 'successful' 'cleansing' involves simply waking up in the morning (pretending that I don't have this 'starting over' problem) and promising myself that today I will be perfect. But something always goes wrong and I keep starting over every single morning. During the day, I start over in different ways, like taking a shower, or going for a walk outside, or starting yet another journal (I have started many many journals and can't seem to get past a few pages before throwing it out and beginning a new one). With that said, I am aware that this isn't working, so I want to stop. But stopping would be like starting over. So in order to stop I tell myself that this one last time will truly be the last and I won't have to ever start over again. Obviously this just continues the cycle. I've been trying to stop 'starting over' for a year, but I just can't seem to do it.
Is this some sort of strange form of ocd? I can't really say that it interferes with my life because it's mostly internal and doesn't really take time out of my day (besides the unproductiveness that ensues after the screw it syndrome begins). Plus, I have gotten used to it... though it does get quite frustrating. Besides the internal dialogue, though, I don't have very specific unusual rituals associated with them (everyone sleeps and I only take the usual one shower a day). I'm also not afraid of germs or anything like that. I don't check things constantly or wash my hands all the time or anything typically associated with ocd. And no one in my family knows this. I doubt they would even believe me if I told them. So it's not even apparent to others. And ocd is typically obvious, no? Basically, when I read the symptoms for ocd, I don't think I fit... but what is this?? Is anyone familiar with my situation and could give me advice on how I should handle this?
And this is going to sound ridiculous, but I'm truly afraid of going to therapy in case I don't get diagnosed. I would be so embarrassed!! Of course I wouldn't want ocd but if there's not anything officially wrong with me, then I'm going to feel even more crazy. Has anyone else had this fear?
I also still cannot get past the idea that I'm just toying around with my imagination and that if I really wanted to stop I could. It's almost like denial... I just get so confused.
Thank you!!