Hello,
My mom has been telling me now that I have to eat. She says Im not looking healthy. What is she talking about? Im a heavy, big boned, girl and she says Im not looking healthy. I went on a long bike ride yesterday from Edmonds, WA to Capitol Hill, WA. It was 56 miles and it was worth it. I got to see my boyfriend and we talked. It was nice. It seems that hes the only one in my life that makes me feel like somebody. He knows I struggle with anorexia and bulimia and he tells me how beautiful I am and I know he means it. I was really tired when I got home last night that I just took a shower and went to bed. I hadnt eaten anything all day. I just dont feel like eating right now. I have times in my life when all I think of is food. Then, there are times like this when thinking of food makes me sick to my stomach. Ive been telling my mom that Im not hungry. She tells me "thats the anorexia talking". No, it isnt. Im really not hungry. But, my mom doesnt understand. Ive told my mom that I will eat when I want to.
I need help. I know my anorexia is getting control of me but, the thing is that I dont care. Is that bad?
Sasha....the nature of the illness is to trick you, or at the very least, try to remember that your body's natural hunger cues are not operating when you have an eating disorder. It's not likely that you can trust your body to tell you when it's hungry, or more so, that you will be able to respond.
The bike ride seems like it was a exaggeration, sort of a message to your Mom that you will do what you want? Or maybe I misinterpreted it. Nonetheless, that's far too much exercise for someone who is not eating properly, regardless of what you weigh.
You say you know this is taking control of you. What do YOU think you need, honestly? I hope you will seek help.....thinking of you....Jan ♥
Hello Jan,
I dont think the bike ride was my way of telling my mom that I will do what I want. I really didnt even realize how far it really was. And my boyfriend really wanted to see me. We were missing eachother so, I decided to go see him. (we are seeing eachother today for a while and then tomorrow for a Native American Pow Wow).
I think I need help for this eating disordered mind of mine. But, my mom cant just send me somewhere for help. I start school in August(the 16th) and I am about to move to live near my boyfriend. I think I can do this on my own. But, I will need to start telling myself that food is my friend and that it wont hurt me. Thats going to be hard but, its much needed.
Thanks.
P.S. I did eat a little yesterday and I had a smoothie when my future sister in law came to visit.