I cant stand myself.
Is not one of those, I cant see my reflection in the mirrors, I just chose not to, what bothers me the most is that sofocating, hurtful feeling of discomfort of my flesh being tighten to my mezclilla jeans, my hips split in two giant wheels of fat.. like lifesavers. pounding flesh, wavy arms... total disaster. that's me. The perception of myself is horrible right now.
I need a diet now.. Ive been thinking a lot about having those pills, anfetamines.. but thats a relapse just by taking them, again.. I need to find a better way out, a more effective one. But all I can think of is restrict-tania-restrict... Eating causes me guilt, cause well.. I know what I'm eating is no good and I know it will make me fat, I still eat it tho, as a way of sayiing, I dont care. But I gotta understand I care, I will always care about it, no matter how hard I try to hide it. The illiness is there, I cant help it.
Eating has become also my way of punishment, I eat so I dont feel... never been so clear. And even tho I was released from the clinic with Anorexia, my fear to food is off the table .. Now I cant stop.. and that is what frightens me the most. I cant handle me, I cant handle the guilt. It inmediatly makes me feel like I need to do something, what comes to mind tho are not very conveniant answers such as: cut, isolate, keep it to yourself. I hate this stupid diciese!! All I want is to get over and done with it.
The pills give me that satisfaction, They make me lose the apetite, which means I no longet suffer in thinking what should I eat, feel tempted to eat crap like I do... pills are like heaven. but, Ill be hurting myself even more... fucking cycle. I hate this. I need help.