I envisioned all this unfolding so differently

my emotional vesuvius is pushing to errupt. my frustration is heavy and scattered. my anger blurs the world around me. sigh. it's food, for god's sake. it's just food. minimizing along with looking directly AT my issues with food are both equally as painful.

i have joked most of my life that *i function much better when TOLD what to do*. that whole *i live to serve* ideal sewn into my pocket of mindless functioning has always seemed to be a good vehicle that takes me from one task to another.

what does it say about me when i am told what to do... and i don't do it? what does it say about me when the person doing the telling is my therapist? what does it say about me when i have made promises to comply...but complying never comes to fruition? what does it say about me when somehow i feel that i have been TRYING, but my interpretation of trying is different than my therapist's? what does it say about me that i can justify some of my *efforts* regardless of the stagelight that is now directly spotlighting the *efforts* that really added up to nothing?

cryptic, i know. i'm ashamed. i'm merely venting, my sisterhood--- wailing at my wailing wall in hopes of finding a little comfort in the release.

i have read books. i have watched documentaries and movies. i have seen the shattered remains of those trying to recover. i read your stories here. i can feel the agony of the efforts being made. i can taste the saltiness of the tears that are borne of pain-the pain of trying to change. i'm not altogether sheltered from the realities of recovery...but i somehow thought it wouldn't be like that for me. i envisioned less twists and turns and that i would experience DIMINISHED pain... well **** me. everything in me is tangled in knots, is twisted and turned...and the pain i feel from simply trying to get in a balanced consistent caloric amount in a day is like what i would see in a ****ing after school special. i can't believe that it brings me to tears. i can't believe that i can writhe over it. quite simply, i have been reduced to crying over a meal...not only b/c it somehow EMOTIONALLY stabs at me, but b/c i feel true, real physical pain. i am inundated with too many thoughts of food, and cals, and amounts... and of it never being enough. tears tears tears. i can't believe this is me. this shouldn't be happening to me. i envisioned all this unfolding so differently...
namaste, sweet sisters
xoxo

Amy,

We can't choose the battles we will face in life. You have been handed this... And you're doing the best you can with it right now. I wish it could be easier. Less painful. And I wish I had more time to write... Ack! Stupid lunch break!!

Thinking of you, friend!!

Love,

Jen

thank you, sky-writer...
i am faced with this battle- i did not choose this. i am not trained properly. i have no skills. it's easier to run and hide. as the veil is slowly lifted, the more i see...the more i want to retreat as a pacifist. no more fighting. i don't WANT TO FIGHT. I DON'T WANT TO HIT BACK. please just make what is hitting me stop...........
tears......

Amy honey, I am so sorry your are suffering so. I feel the exact same way right now, making so little progress because I just willnot comply with what I am supposed to be doing. It just defies my imagination that I cannot do these simple things.
Just shows us what a monster ED truluy is. Don't beat yourself up, that just makes it so much worsse.

Just get up tomorrow and keep trying. That's all anyone can expect of you
Love you !!!! Praying for you

Amy,
That you can spell vesuvious lifts you up in my books. Seriously sister, we all filter and loosely interpret, and even more loosely carry out what we hear/decide/agree to in therapy. At least I know I do. It's a wide, wide, road. This path we truly are on. I gotta believe that for me.
Let your anger flow lady, it's yours and this world is big enough to hold it. I know it sucks to not be where we feel we should be. If it helps, know you've got my and many others ears, respect, and love.
Keep up the good work.
Love,
Patsy

molly and patsy-- my travel companions....

thank you for the reminder that i am not the only one... and that this IS a wide, wide road--- with a lot of room for interpretation.

i don't know WHAT is in me that thinks that i can veer from the task with which i have been charged in a way that i somehow KNOW is less than acceptable...but somehow believe that it just might be good enough...

flipping that dichotomous coin, i ALSO don't know HOW to conjure up the will/skills/ability to follow through with this task- given that i have no additional skills and am left to my own devices just as i have been during all my historical times of struggle.

the painful irony of having no intuitive eating skills--- other than my dysfunctional *all or nothing* intuition. chasing the emptiness causes my body's intuition to kick in and CRAVE. so i end up eating too much and eating what i consider to be the wrong foods. intuitively my body takes a break from such behavior, and the race for emptiness begins again.

for what it's worth, i not only wrote down my cal intake yesterday, but i purposefully made myself spread it out throughout the day. the tediousness of my endless math configurations trying to determine the caloric value of what i cook is frustrating me. not only is the math a *****, but what i cook and choose to eat has little dietary fat... [the craving for peanut butter continues to grow and grow]. plus, what I NORMALLY EAT... or WOULD normally eat, or am trying to eat now...is quite simply too little calories [lower than the target amount that is set for me now]. even when i think i have eaten too much in a day, once added up it's surprisingly low.

so the challenge of a mp, doing the math for the meals i cook, and trying to actually GET the target amount of cals in each day is far more difficult that i thought it would be. and the super sad [and almost scary to me] reality is that my target amount of cals set for me presently is way too low also... struggling to get to the already low number horrifies me that i will someday likely be consuming twice that amount. but- i must live in the moment: the goal now is to get used to food inside my body, for my body to process it as friend rather than foe, for me to spread out my caloric amts throughout the day, and for me to get some sort of balance and variety in my diet.
xo