I fear rejection. In fact, I'm terrified of it. Borderline is not something I have been diagnosed with but my mother suffers from it and it explains a lot about me. People don't understand how i can go through such rapid emotional swings and that feels like rejection. Rejection leads to anger and that leads me to hurt people. Then the guilt eats me alive. My marriage is ending. It's really sad. I had an episode where i lost control and my wife couldn't look at me the same. After seeing me hold a knife to my arms she couldn't move past it. All she saw was anger when in truth it was pain and sadness. I thought she understood. I feel like no one does and everyone judges. I know I'm not alone but right now I feel like it. The good news is crying helps. I listen to sad music and cry till I can't anymore. I am sensitive, not weak. I will be ok. I will be... ok
I understand how it feels to be misjudged this way. You are not alone. I also let feelings wash over me... It is the best way to release them.
If you're the child of a bpd, your habits in relationships are due to the necessity of your extreme reactions to your Mother growing up. I really highly recommend the books Stop Walking on Eggshells, Adult Children and even giving Children of the Self absorbed a gander. All three are very enlightening to the inner works of a bpd and the habits we can form as a loved one of such a person. I'm very sorry to hear about your marraige and your difficulty with all forms of relationships. I, too, experienced and took a very long road of self healing to cope with destructive behaviours due to a bpd and narcissistic Mother. Knowledge of self is always the key to easing and healing such pain and, perhaps if you can get your wife to help understand with you, perhaps by sharing what you learn from those books and maybe counseling to explore your issues, you may be able to save your marraige yet. A willingness to be helped and a dropping of ego and pride, our biggest barriers to rooting out our past pain, is the first step to overcoming our barriers. Respect and best wishes.
@GabrielB These are great recommendations. Feel the hurt, but also pursue why. I really liked Adult Children and am working on Stop Walking on Eggshells. I pursued counseling and it has helped immensely. However it took me a while to find a counselor I could work with. Finding the right one has been as different as night and day. Turns out it was my ex that was the borderline and I had, or maybe still kind of am, walking on those eggshells. Each day gets better. We hear you JustJoe. I think we all fear rejection, but how we handle it defines us. We’re rooting for you.
It's never easy to fully understand what someone may be going through, especially when you love them. Have you & your wife ever explored the idea of couple's therapy? Having a neutral party in the room may help your wife open to up to why she can't get past seeing you in what sounds like a very bad low, and help her understand that there is a difference between anger and a cry for help. Regardless of what happened that night, you are here and reaching out, which means you want things to get back on track. If couple's therapy isn't your thing, what about writing her a letter? Explain how it feels, maybe use metaphors to help her understand what it's like when the shift happens (for example, you're driving a car and then suddenly it's in reverse and going a different direction). Hang in there - you WILL be ok, friend :)
I have bpd and my marriage is coming to a bitter end as a result of my blow ups and infidelity. The guilt is bad...crying does help me too. Sometimes a sad song really elicits the crying and relieves the pent up frustration.
Don't give up hope. Guilt, fear and anger are classic signs of BPD. Try to get into a Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) program if you can. My wife was in the same situation and now she has shown drastic improvements. It helped her to think in the right way which is the cause of this BPD. One thing to remember is that there are 2 days that you can never change, yesterday and tomorrow. You cannot change yesterday because it has passed and you cannot change tomorrow because it has not come yet. So don't let guilt and rejection overwhelm you because what's done is done and the future is not here yet. Also try to look up Lucinda Basset on Youtube. She has several videos on attacking anxiety and depression. Deep down people with BPD has a severe form of depression. God bless!
I know how you feel. There is a speaker who has helped me to put fear, rejection, anger, abandonment and many other issues into perspective. Why and how to deal with them. KATIE SOUZA. Very powerful speaking on such things. You are certainly not alone. Still working on getting better but without hearing her message I would not be getting more control over all my issues.
Joe, Sometimes it really helps to do a look back. Remembering childhood episodes; your parents, siblings and school experiences helps put you in perspective. Probably you did not just become this person that you don't like too well. For a period of many years I, too, had much of those same feelings and did my pity party for anyone that might buy into it. Often my wife would and she never said much but later I found her not to be very sympathetic. The issue, however, is not somebody else. It's yours and helpful technique is to write to yourself and do so every day until and whenever ... then you can stop and move to the next step which is this background history. It is so helpful to know just when, where and what you felt part of your history takes on the real meaning of self respect. Your first journal entry could be done tonight You would start your first sentence with the following words.. I am feeling pretty lousy today . I felt Dan's rejection at work and as a result of feeling pretty low I had lunch by myself.... Joe, you do a few journal entries describing your feelings THAT day and you will begin to understand just what is it YOU do to contribute to this malaise... Join a support group and if you can't find one.. start one.. So helpful for you to find others suffering just like you..
I hear you about the guilt and about her seeing anger when you are feeling sadness. I think that is the situation with my ex also. I had some suicidal feelings too at first. It is very sad you are right. I feel pushed out of my kids lives and our communication is still awful.. and yet I still love her as much as ever. Solidarity my brother. It will improve. Find a higher power and maybe a good support group.