I feel broken

I have all these issues, and all this trauma, and I’m so scared that I’ll never recover

Sometimes I just wish I never existed in the first place, maybe then I wouldn’t be a sad pathetic victim of a narcissistic abusive father and a distant mother who worked a lot of my life

I want help, but I can’t get therapy because I don’t have insurance, and I have trouble opening up to friends because I’m afraid I’ll push them away by being annoying or a burden

I don’t wanna be in pain anymore, but I don’t wanna die because I know it’ll hurt people I care about. I wanna scream and cry but it never feels like I can, I just want relief. Sometimes I wish I could get a lobotomy just to be free from my thoughts

Everybody tells me I’m strong for making it as far as I have, but all I did was not kill myself, does that really make me special? Do I really deserve to be here? I feel so worthless, and in pain and I don’t want this anymore, but I’m stuck here in pain because dying means I hurt people I love and I don’t know what to do