I feel confused. I dont know what to think or feel. My mom sent me money, because she cares. But I still have lots of anxiety around the way she used to stress me out and has NPD. so it's like she's buying my love but at the same time I really need it and appreciate it, and it makes me feelnlike guilty, that I should call her. I also feel guilt, that I avoid her, or dont feel anything missing qhen I havent talked yo her in a while since mosy of our conversations are her asking me if Ive eaten. So it's sort of like an empty relationship and at the same time I know she caresm I just feel really really confused . and theres absolutely no one to talk to about it to try to wrap my head around what I should do, or how to respond or navigate anything. I just want to cry.
I'm so sorry you are suffering like that. Sometimes it's best to except the relationship for what it is, even when you know it's far from ideal. I totally understand how anyone in your circumstances would feel guilt but you will somehow need to come to terms with it someday that you never had a normal relationship with your mother because of her mental illness/health. It definitely affected your mental health, how could it not..right?
It might help to experiment different ways of navigating this limited relationship because it is what it is right? Practice ways of how to respond then try it out.
So for example, maybe it would work better for you to mainly only text her? If she calls you and you know you can't handle it right then just do not answer, let it go to voice-mail and don't sweat it. Then later text her that you got her call and thank her for whatever and let her know you are doing ok. Eventually she will either go along with your boundaries or she won't. Stand strong in whatever way you decide to communicate with her and who knows maybe someday you will decide to not communicate with her if that's what it takes. I'll support you.
@Fohb460 your response was really thoughtful, thank you. I think a part of me always yearns for the bits of love she is capable of giving sometimes. I dont have it in me to rob her or myself of that. But you’re right, Im still coming to terms with how things are. It’s a painful process and there’s a lot of grief. I dont know the right answer. If it wasnt my mother maybe that would be easier. I feel starved of connection in my life, both emotionally and physically. Ive been there for myself and independent for a long long time. Thank you for your kind words. Idk even now Im sort of sterile. I dont know how to connect to people.
Blueberries I think you should focus on what is the right thing to do and not emotional stuff. I have learned to reframe things. That means most of the time what we think about a situation is not what it is at all. Most of the times, what we assume is not correct. She must have some feelings for you or she wouldn't have sent it. Call her and let it go at that. Try using Grey Rock technique when you communicate with her. When I used this with my NPD ex, it really empowered me. It's a discipline and you have to follow thru.
@mmadlecl Thanks for your perspective, it’s a weird situation and yea grey rocking has helped a lot. I guess Im still coming to terms with all of it, the last few days a LOT came up, about how deep the dynamic has been internalized inside me as my identity, and generalized to dating, friendships, and even work power dynamics. You’re rigjt that often emotions can really derail you as a trauma survivor and suck you in. If Im understanding you correctly if thats what you meant. I often assume, and fill in people’s meanings as an automatic thing. Again, my entire personality feels like a hollow defense mechanism these days.
the site wont let me comment on any replies...so Im sorry i cant replt to you lovely people. but i appreciate you lr comments a lot
@@Blueberries1234 That’s been happening to me off and on for a while so I type out my reply then I copy and paste, but copy it then tap on the plus sign in the upper left corner of page to refresh the page, then go back to where you want to reply, tap on the word reply then paste and hit post.