I feel frustratedhelp me help him

I have been seeing this man on and off for over six years. We are kinda on right now but I recently found out that he was sexually abused as a child and is having troubles dealing with it now. I have been reading some articles on how men deal with sexual abuse and he is textbook. He is distant and has a hard time being in a committed relationship. I am trying to decide if he's just not that into me or if his lack of interest in our relationship is part of his fight with the abuse. We will share intimate moments and after he has regrets and tries to push me away. Things are great when we are together...he does not seem to have any inadequacies in the bedroom.

Do you think he's just not that into me or should I keep trying to get him to commit? How can I help him with his thoughts about relationships and trust? It seems, for what he tells me, that the trust issues are not about his partner but more about himself. He thinks he may be a sex addict and does not think he could be happy with just one woman.

Its better to listen to what HE IS TELLING you. He thinks hes a sex addict, he IS WARNING you. I must say, gotta give that to him if hes being sum what honest. Please heed the red flags marking the way. 6yrs is a long time & its time YOU make a decision for your own well being. Sometimes we cant always support,assist,love enough,learn enough to help, have enough campassion to help pull others into our way of thinking. Has HE ever sought help without anyone pushing HIM in that direction, something HE has done on his own & can be proud of himself for attempting to achieve. There is more to a relationship then the bedroom, am sure your aware of that. Do you have someone you can go to if you decide other options?

Keep talking w/us if & when you feel like it, we're here for you.

Take care of you.


Thank you so much April. You're so right about him warning me. I keep making up this idea in my mind that he will wake up one day and think that I am all he will ever need but that is probably not going to happen. He has sought out therapy on his own and I think he is proud in one way and ashamed in another.

I really appreciate your words!

Its a hard path if you choose to stay. I've been married 19yrs. hes bipolar/schzoid/Borderline & more w/alcohol dependency & stopped receiving any help 5yrs. ago, cant MAKE a person help themselves they have to do it for themselves. I can only take other alternatives now for my own well being, would of been wonderful to of had sites like this years ago I might have learned quicker & LISTENED to others experiences. Talk when you feel like it so others can read & learn too.

Take care, April

p.s. I too wanted to believe it would be different, better, depends on the person.

April is right. He is warning you about his intentions or about something he's already engaged in. The sad thing is he is misguided in what he thinks is really going on with his thought processes.

You can't fix him. Don't even try.

If he was abused as a child then he needs to see a therapist to address this. He can't do this on his own.

Oh, he may be able to perform now in the bedroom, but in time that will change considerably. IT WILL REALLY CHANGE. He needs professional help to ensure that he has a level of quality in his life that he and his partner deserve.

Good luck.

yes yes April and LuvHeadMeds great advice. I can only say speaking from my own situation my ex after finding out 18yrs into my marriage was sexually abused as a child grew up with a sex addiction ...only to have him be sexually abusive to me (and he would deny it) but he was.Then to find out 18yrs into the marriage that he was abusive to his sister sexually. He admitted he had a sex addiction. I lived with it for too long..he slowly tried to make changes. Ive read that someone who is abusive in one way most likely is abusive in other forms as well which was also true in my case(Emotional abuse). I suffered enough and finally told him he needed help and that I couldn't live like that anymore.
I only hope he will be willing to get help with his addiction. I know I couldn't fix him and he has to want the help.
There IS more to life than the bedroom...it went from being nothing more than sex sex sex to....years later well lets just say things did change.

Its a hard decision to make but as hard as it was I know I couldn't live that way anymore.

From Substance Abuse to Mental & Physical Abuse