I feel guilty, I am new here 31 years old. I could really use some help because I love my wife and I do need someone who I can talk to and give me feed back. I feel really ashamed to talk to someone I know (ie family, friends) because I am afraid they will judge me and make me feel worse. I don't mind talking to a male or female, but just someone who can help me to continue to love my wife and not stray.
2 Hearts
Do you know why you stray?
2 Hearts
I am a former cheater. Wassup?
1 Heart
I am a horny kid, every time I see a girl in tight clothes or wearing a skirt, I think to myself she has to be easy. It happens a lot during my drive to or fro work, if I see a girl walking on the street who fits the above description, I think to myself I have to talk to her. I want to say it was porn that started it, and I have been doing that type of behavior for the past 10 or so years. Ever since girls would check me out when I had my car.
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Part of me feels like I married when I was not ready but due to circumstances (my mom approaching her final days), I had to marry. I dated my wife since 2010 and married in 2012. We are approaching our 3 years, but I have been trying to do many things to keep myself preoccupied and avoid infedility.
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It sounds like talking with someone professionally may be helpful. Is there anything your wife could do to be supportive? Does she know you cheat?
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sounds like the problem is that you've convinced yourself that you haven't lived your life to what your expectations might have been 10 -15 years ago. Remember back then when you thought you could be a pornstar or get any girl you wanted?? If it helps I'll say look at the woman you married and ask yourself if you wanted her or she wanted you or even better; did you both want want each other?? It's not easy out there being a single male in your 30's, you need a car a house and a bank account. Can you see yourself doing that on your own? Take this advice, it's easier to get those things with the woman who wants to be with and whole lot more stuff you never thought about back then. It's just a matter of inner reflection, seeing yourself for how you have grown.
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@hope4funtx...Please take some time and read this carefully
https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/surviving-infidelity-wish-id-known?utm_source=Article+of+the+Week&utm_campaign=8e08e7ccff-aotw_04_01_2015&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_ba782628b7-8e08e7ccff-312850489
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No my wife is very supportive as is, and her being preggers, I don't want to add any unnecessary stress to her or the baby. I want to be a great husband and father, that is why I chose to come here and get advice/support from you all. Adrian, I think you may have a point. For the most part of my life, I have been in school and I graduated from pharmacy school in 2011. I never took a break from school/college and was always enrolled. It was only in 2011 is when I completed. I do believe your right in the fact that I haven't lived my life the way I wanted to. I mean after graduation, less than a year later I got married. I felt like I never got to see what life was like outside of school aka the real world. I am getting into the real world, but I do want to experience my youth while I can. But I know the decision I made and I have to stick with it. I know the difference between right and wrong, but it's a lot harder to do than say :-(
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@hope4funtx My suggestion would be to go through and read some of the stories on this website from the betrayed spouse’s side. Very man (including my own) are heart breaking. The years of damage that you will do to your wife cannot be avoided or taken back. Also take a look at the other forums for STDs. That’s an eye opener too …
Get counseling its private no one knows but you and your therapist its good you are here if you can't control your urges at least you are owning up to it so its a start
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You love your wife because she is lovable. Did you read the link Calibrit suggested ? Did it make you feel differently about hurting your wife? And your children who need a role model to look up to.? Or are these feelings still going to overcome your sense of reason and allow you to use excuses to overcome your guilt? Guilt is healthy. Cheating is abuse. Ruins lives. Breaks hearts. Leads to divorce. Subjects your wife to painful debilitating STDs. Things that can be spread to your babies. So glad you asked. Post again anytime. If you are not a cheater, I will have no trouble giving you support. Please get help for this. Innocent people might not have a peaceful moment again due to selfish actions.
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Don't stray. You suffer more in the end than the other person.
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Infidelity is soo painful. You could lose EVERYTHING. It won't be worth it. Please don't be a selfish stupid person learn from others stupidity. It is a CHOICE to cause your wife some of the most unbearable pain, how can you do that to her? Best wishes
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Lay off the porn, it will get easier, working for my husband at least.
Just like the romantic love stories us women watch on TV and build up a fantasy that real life is like that, men watch porn and build up this fantasy that real life is like that. That a women in a tight skirt, nice body are an object to be used how you like and are more than willing do it. Porn is fake, romantic movies are fake. Your wife and your marriage are real, her feelings are real, the impact an affair will have on her and her love and trust for you FOREVER are real.
Put on your big boy pants and realize that your young wild party days are over, you missed them, they are not coming back, it is what it is. You didn't get to stick it in every girl you wanted, you didn't get to try all kinds of wild crazy sexcapades, that's life, it's not always what we thought it was going to be.
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I am sorry to not have responded sooner, I was at work and I didn't want to lose focus on my job involving patient care. That is something I really admire about myself is the fact that I do put my career/family first. But as soon as it is time for me to go, that is when I feel like it is my "me" time.
I am approaching my 3 year anniversary, and the past couple of years have been an experience (some good, some bad). I can honestly say I discontinued the porn, ever since I found out a certain site was staged and not real. I honestly believed some of these girls on these amateur porn sites were real and were THAT easy. I think it was that train of thought that made me begin to believe what I did about females. One of the hardest things though is the fact that my wife and I have opposite shifts and we pretty much only see each other on the weekends. She tends to work in the afternoons and I work the mornings. So, after work I have nothing to come home to except an empty place. Knowing this, I avoid going home and drive around for a little while doing what I do. I feel like in order to conquer this, I need to stick to a regimen that can avoid relapse for at least two weeks. That should be long enough to kick that habit out of my system.
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@hope4funtx Hey, I feel you on the porn thing. I have had a problem with porn since I was really young. With the ease of access to porn now, this is going to be a lifelong struggle. I have kicked the habit, but constantly think about going back and watching. I’ve been porn-free for several months now (I haven’t kept track of it, but the only porn I watch is online). Fake, real, or whatever it is, it’s bad for you and your relationship. The women in those videos are fake and are paid to do everything.
Those afternoons that you have off away from your wife, what do you do with them? Instead of driving around, why not go for a jog or bike ride? Do you go to the gym? What about hobbies?
For me, I have a ton of hobbies. My wife couldn’t understand why a grown man would play video games. I would joking say to her “would you rather me be at a strip club.” I guess I used video games as a time filler. Needless to say, I stopped playing. I did have other hobbies, but I left myself too much time to have affairs.
Anyway, good luck with it and keep it up.
@shortstack yeah I have been playing a lot of video games usually after work. Sometimes I do go for a jog and that helps a lot, the release of endorphins and such. I want to say the main issue I have is the fact that I moved to an area that I am not too fond of. I left my family and moved here for better opportunities in terms of my career. After moving out here, I don't have much friends and the only family I have is hers. Back when I was at home, I had plenty of both and always had something to do. At first, I looked forward to my days off, but since I do nothing except just chill at the crib, I began to look forward to work because I actually begin to socialize. It sucks out here and my wife is not too fond of going back to where I am from because she doesn't want to leave her family. It sucks, I feel like I am in a conundrum.
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@hope4funtx have you thought about joining a playgroup or gym. Making friends is pretty easy. It sounds like you know what you need to do to keep yourself preoccupied. What about the people that you socialize with at work? Can they hang out?
@shortstack i am actually thinking about that, socializing with people at work. I realized some of the people who I talk to at work are actually pretty chill. But, I think I am in that state of limbo where I am a newly wed, but I have no kids. All of the people I know are either single or married with kids. We don't have many other married couples we can hang out with. Who knows with my kid being born in a month, perhaps i'll be too busy to care about anything else