this is my first time posting on a support group. I am a 25 year old white famale married in to a mexican family. i feel like an outcast because all my sister in laws speak spanish and can communicate with my husbands parents whom do not speak any english. my in laws always want to hand out with my sister in laws, go shopping, talk, whatever. i feel left out because they never wana hang out with me. i know its because we cannot communicate but it makes me feel like they are liked more than i am. i try so hard to fit in but nothing is working out for me. any advice????
Do you have a desire to learn spanish? If so, maybe just "hanging" out with them you will pick up on some phrases.
Where do you live amm85? In the United States?
yes, i live in Washington state. i been married to my husband going on two years now. spanish has been really hard for me to learn, i catch on a lil, but not enough. i also feel awkward just showing up at there house, because everyone is chatting i have no idea whats being said unless on of them translates for me and it irritates them to do so. its like laughing at a joke 5 min after the punch line. NO POINT!!
Well, since you are part of the family (and this is just my opinion) I think that everyone should be making an effort to make you feel included. You didn't do anything wrong and yet you feel like you're being pushed to the side. Have you talked to your husband about this? He must know what's going on. And I don't know him, but from what I hear he hasn't said anything to his family to get them to do something about it. This is quite frustrating....
I have talked to my husband several times and it makes him feel bad, he says if they dont include me then he dosent wanna be included either. i guess im just completely different from them. when my husband tells them how i feel they just say they will try harder to make me fit in but they dont. like right now everyone is at their house for dinner ( we all live within 3 blocks so they invite themselves over) and i am here alone while my husband works night shift. its like hello!!! " invite me over" im not the type of person to just show up uninvited
Maybe you and your husband can sit down with them all together and you can have your husband translate for you exactly how you feel. It will give them a better understanding if your the one talking and he's translating. They will see your face and hear your voice. They can't just ignore that you are a part of their son's life....
If I were in your position, I'd bust my *** trying to learn at least a lil bit of Spanish (however, I am just like you and learning another language is like trying to shove a bowling ball through a straw). But THEY need to put some effort into learning and speaking English. I am a firm believer that if you live in America, at least TRY to learn the language spoken by most Americans.
Off my soap box.
Hola amm85,
Little joke. tiny little, probably bad joke. Sorry. I so much agree with Seasonal Me about learning the language of the places you settle in. I have to remind myself that everyone sees it differently. Different people have varying attitudes and priorities regarding trying to reach across cultural and language divides. I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely and frustrated, honestly. That's got to be tough. I'd feel alienated too. (and no that's not another bad joke).
I have to gently disagree about Spanish being "really hard" -- It sounds like you're just being tossed, into this advanced level, instant-immersion program -- with no guidance or support. That's not how most people learn best. Those Rosetta Stone Commercials might make it seem ideal, but it's not like your in-laws have been holding your hand or reinforcing things as you pick it up. There are really a lot of ways to learn a new language, but YOU are not the only one involved who should be making the effort. Think about the last time you were at a gathering where someone was on the outside, because of a communnication issue, or lack of shared culture, or whatever. Hopefully everyone present made some kind of effort to include, or spend time with him or her. I would think that would go double or tripple if the person in question was joining the family. If your first language was ASL would they just let you sit off to the side? Or would they all start learning to sign? at least a little? And Yeah, hello, they do live here. There are lots of good reasons for them to be meeting you halfway. At least that's how I feel.
One year when we were homeschooling in 6th grade, we took advantage of a "repositioning cruise" an off season trip that gets a cruise ship into its next climatically appropriate area. Way cheap, way recommended by the way, if either you or your husband are patient internet shoppers. Anyway . . . I had a strict rule, even with the kids, about being able to handle at least some basic, polite, exchange in the language of whatever country we were visiting, if they wanted off the boat. Period. They thought I was being silly till they encountered some American tourists, obnoxiously demmanding to know why everyone, in every country, wouldn't accommodate them with English. We learned, from other travlers, that there were lots of easy translation gadgets out there. But it was also, not as hard as we and the kids had thought, to cope with some, very basic, very minimal conversational exchanges, at least enough to scrape by with (hopefully) some manners.
Spanish and English are fairly close relatives. You just need to find a way that meets YOUR learning style. If reading's not your favorite way to absorb, there's no reason to torture yourself with old textbooks or flashcards, for example. If you're not an auditory learner, don't ruin your workouts with audio drills. A lot of people like some duplication, heck there are even video game programs that I like. (shhhhh!)
I don't want to make this any longer, or more boring, but if you want to email me, I can suggest a bunch of stuff. I've probably got a few lying around you might be able to use. But I really feel that your husband's family could be doing a lot more to help. It may honestly be a misinterpretation of your feelings on their part. Could they be thinking you're a bit shy? I have a hard time imagining that it's unfriendliness on their part. There are some cultures, some types of families that are just very loud, very enthusiastic at gatherings. Ever been a guest at an Italian meal? Unless you're accustomed to that style of relating, you can find yourself taking a backseat more than you normally might. There are strong differences just among even geographically close families, and you're new to his.
Jackie Kennedy Onassis, a very bright, confident and well-spoken woman, recalled her early years with The Kennedy clan, who she described as "a boistrous and unruly group." She had difficulty acclimating especially at meal-time events, as a young bride. And that's what you are. Give yourself a big break, and some credit, for wanting to bond well with your in-laws.
Think of some specific things that they could do that would make you feel more comfortable -- and ask your husband to make those clear, as Seasonal Me suggested, with you present. Practice the vocabulary you're comfortable with, out loud, when you're alone -- at first. Try picking up a phone handset and just talking into it. "Order a pizza" - or practice Thanking your mom-in-law for dinner. You don't have to press "talk" but there's something about speaking on the phone, that gently puts you on the spot, and sort of pushes your speaking skills.
Think about things you'd like to ask her about. If you take some steps in their direction, however awkwardly, they'll most likely acknowledge your efforts and honor them with some of their own. Best of luck. I hope you'll
keep us posted.
em
I feel so frustrated, I try to leave a post and they don';t let me. Sorry, I hope this works. I also was iiiin an all Spanish family, but I speak Spanish. They were so kind to me. More than my own family. I loved the culture. I basically just wated to be wated, you know? I could speak the language, and they were eager to help me learn it. Even so, it was difficult. I did not want to ost my own culture, and they did not get that. I am now divorced, and I miss my "divorced"-family. But I treasure what they gave me.
I feel lost now.
Micara_7
thank you for your posts. over the weekend i read them. i had gone to my in laws house sunday night and i did try to somewhat have a conversation. i do know a few words and if my mother in law has been talking to me more. my father in law on the other hand thinks he dosent need to learn english but i need spanish! hello we live in america. sO ANYWAYS THE NIGHT WAS GOING FINE UNTILL MY SISTER IN LAES SHOWED UP. as soon as they arrived my in laws completely left me out of the loop again and conversated with them untill we left. i think they knew i was upset that they get more attention because i kept quiet after they started talking. i know that i really need to learn spanish and i m sure i will eventually.