I feel like Jekyll & Hyde. One day I'm a happy-go-lucky persI feel like Jekyll & Hyde. One day I'm a happy-go-lucky

I feel like Jekyll & Hyde. One day I'm a happy-go-lucky person, the next I'm suicidal. After years of emotional ups & downs, I finally told my entire story to a doctor who put me on antidepressers. They help by taking the edge off of everything; they have helped me (even if it's not enough). I was adopted at birth in 1967 (my birth mother, who I later met when I was 38, was pressured by family into giving me up. She was very young, married to my father, who she left when she was pregnant "because of his alleged cruelty". I was told I was adopted when I was 6, because my parents were in the proceeds of adopting a little sister for me! Obviously I couldn't process this or express myself at that age and in those days (you didn't talk opening about things like that in the 70s like we do nowadays). But it was a double abandon. Ok, Mum and Dad aren't really Mum & Dad, I came from elsewhere and now they're replacing me with another baby....................my lovely childhood was suddenly disrupted. At first, as a defense mechanism, I was Proud, proud I'd been chosen by this lovely family. I asked lots of questions (which upset Mum) and later, at the age of 8, I went through my parent's drawers and found my adoption papers containing information about my birth parents and why I had been given up: "because she will be a reminder of my unhappy marriage and all I went through" my birth mother wrote. I became a rebel........but that's another story.
Anyway, I'd been hunting for support for a while on-line and it is not easy to find. but since I've started reading other adoptees' posts, I have found a little peace - because I'm not quite so alone as I thought I was. As most people on these websites say, we're supposed to feel thankful (because we were "saved") and just be happy - those who are not adopted cannot relate to us. So why all the grief? All the regretful acting out as teenagers? All the failed relationships? Why can't I get it together and enjoy my life every day! Why does it have to be plagued with negative feelings of worthlessness that lead to believing I'm unloveable and so full of sorrow that I want to crawl away into a hole somewhere and curl up and die?

Hugs and welcome! It is a lot to process, my mother was adopted and she found her birth family when she was 20ish, it doesn't heal all the wounds like you think it will, it mostly just opens a pandora's box of emotions. Hugs!

Welcome to sg! Glad you are writing here. Also glad you have found other adoption sites. And glad they are all helping a little.

It was brave of you to tell your M.D. the whole story. Your M.D. did it half right - he prescribed you antidepressants. The half he left out was he was supposed to give you a referral to a specialist in depression, which is to say, a trained psychotherapist, maybe even a specialist in depression, or in adoption, or in loss.

sometime im happy sometimes im depressed