I feel like there's absolutely noone capable of helping me, what can i do? :(

I've been through different degrees of binge-eating and overexercising to manage my unhealthy eating and body issues, this started about 4 years ago now, when i was 16.

I'm now 20 and still struggling, but at a much more severe level.. ever since the first time i tried purging about 1 and a half years ago.. i've been unable to look back.

This year has by far been the worst ever in terms of being bulimic, i've had non-stop binging and purging cycles where i neglect all responsibility and commitments outside of my house and get stuck in ruts that have lasted a week to 10 days. My life just becomes a messed up combination of existing in a dark hollow emptiness, contrasted with periods of extreme determination to get out into the open and live once again.

I've been seeing my current psychologist for about 6 months now. Despite having two prior to that, as well as seeing various school and university counsellors over the years, this is the first one i have opened up to about my "real" issues - the body image issues and out of control eating behaviours and such.

I feel like she hasn't helped at all. Nothing noticable anyway. If anything, i have fallen into a deeper destructive cycle than ever before, my bulimic tendancies have never been so ongoing. I'm starting to want to give up on outside help because it makes me feel like less of a person to have to see her, and as much as she is understanding and trying to help, she always leaves something in my mind that frustrates me for the following week, and i start to regret having that last appointment.

That's where i am right now. ARGH. She's trying to make me rest with the "heavy feeling in my stomach" after binging, rather than purging.. and trust me, i know how to do it, and can... only when i don't have commitments such as a dance gig tomorrow night!!

That's another part of my problems.. all the dance stuff i'm involved in. I used to love dancing.. it never used to stress me out to the degree it does these days. But it has slowly turned from a hobby into more of a means to push myself physically, and reach my best possible body and level of fitness.. which as many of you will know, this is not a healthy combination for someone with a eating disorder, having trouble to just accept their body as is.

The hardest part in all of this is that i did have that perfect body, about 4 years ago when this all started. It's only now i realise how much i've screwed up trying to get back to that body state all this time. It'll never happen, i've done irreversible damage, physically and mentally.

So i've very hesistantly come to accept that this is it. I can only move up from here, i've hit rock bottom and any progression is a start. It's still all moving VERY slowly though, with very frequent relapses. I just need hope that all of this will level out one day, and i'll start to live a life where i'm achieving, rather than battling to survive. I don't want to waste any more time, but i can't just snap out of all of this and return to a happy, healthy state. Or can I?

I'm not sure what i'm asking here, I just want people's opinions on what I could be doing now, what mindset has worked for them, what mindset they suggest i should take right now to see progress. Should i stay with my psychologist? Or are there other alternatives that could be more effective in overcoming my very in-depth, deeply engrained body image issues and self-destructive eating habits??

Please, please leave a response if you could lend even just a little advice in some way. I would really, very much appreciate it. :)

I just want to start living again !

~ A.

Dear i will live again,
welcome here, i think u r not the only bulimic here,me myself is one :)
iam 24 years old, iam struggling since 8 years, and i have never lost the hope to stop vomiting what i have eaten in order not to be fat.

It is normal and ok to relapse it is not the end of the world, u need only to know the reason why did u relapse?

Yesterday i relapsed because of my periode it was my 1st day and wanted to eat chocolate so i did but could not stop, after that i felt guilty so i ended vomiting at the toilet..

But today is a new day, i ate healthy breakfast and now a fresh juice no added sugars, and will eat little maaroni and chicken and salad for lunch.

I need to loose some weight, iam 80 kilos and my hight is 174 cm, so i need to loose 10 kilos ;)

If u r hungry,lonely or angry sure u will eat alot and purge, so try to keep always busy, and dancing is a gr8 activity do it coz u love it not coz u must do it;)

kisses..xoxoxo

hello.. i'm in the same boat... except try 15+ years... i joined this site almost a year ago and have made very little progress, if any. i've tried everything too and honestly, it just seems like a lost cause sometimes.

i don't know why i have lost my hope on beating this.

bulimia can be beaten as people on this site seemingly have done it but i am so skeptical that it can happen to me.

even when i eat healthy i sometimes vomit.

i do know that i CAN control it when people (who don't know the ED issues I face) are around me so that's what's peculiar but as soon as i'm by myself... my head is in the toilet.

thanks for listening

caroline

Dear Reham -
I'm sorry to hear bulimia has been in your life for 8 years, i have gone through 18 months of it and i hope every day is my last. I thought i had problems before it, but i had never seen my worst days until i started getting in the awful cycle. I really don't know why i relapse, it makes no sense.. i try so hard one day and tell myself that this is the start of a new me.. to feel better and do my best to take one step at a time and focus on feeling the best i can on any one day. I think the sight of certain foods in the kitchen just sets me off though, if i'm not busy that day. So i think thats the main issue.. i don't have many commitments i can stick to at the moment. I want to see someone that's really going to help me through this, but i haven't found them yet. My psychologist just isn't helping and i'm getting a bit desperate now to get better :(

Thanks for your reply though xoxo

Hi Caroline, thanks for your reply :)

I sincerely hope you are able to find a way to beat it sometime very soon. We can only hope that we'll be able to see the day when we can just get on with life and not have to feel burdened by the traps we've fallen into time and time again.. have to just keep believing.

I feel similar about how you can control it. When i'm outside my family i get carried away in the presence of other people, i forget or at least have at the time become carried away in whatever else we're doing and feel like a normal person without the issues. But the moment i return back home, it's back to reality and back to the cycle.. it makes me want to move out with a bunch of positive people who i'll always be happy and occupied around, enough to keep my mind off food at least.

We can only keep trying to find that solution..

~ A

Dear Caroline,
never say never :)
we are all facing this sickness, we are not alone, we some times fail,but it is not the end of the world.

we are powerful, because we can confess our problem"Bulimia",we reached the 1st step, so with will and patience we will be better.

Stay strong.

P.s: try to eat alot of veggies and fruits, and drink 2 l water .

Have a wonderful day.

Dear i will live again,

Thank you for your kind feelings.
I must mention, you need to know why you relapse?
Because if you did not know the reason you will not avoid it.
Is it Partys,cooking shows,or lonliness?

Change you thersapist if you do not feel good.

Join any club or activity...

kisses sweety ;)

that's a great Q Raheem. i don't know why i started in the first place and i don't know if i ever will. i think i'm one of those bizarre individuals that didn't incur "trauma" in her childhood, etc. but am concerned about her weight and suddenly realized i can eat what i want (in huge quantities) and maintain my shape.

basically, i am in good physical condition but i just often feel the urge to eat large amounts sweets, junk food... i have no idea why. i don't want to stop at large portions.

i usually lose control when there is free food around me and i sometimes feel guilty if i don't eat well..

most of the time i eat fairly healthy but i do allow myself treats b/c i work out...

i have been looking for a replacement therapist... its hard b/c i travel a lot internationally and there isn't someone close within my insurance...

thanks for your thoughts.

caroline

hi iwillliveagain,

yes, i need to find a way to duplicate the feeling of "being around people" when i am alone at home like jannurse said in another post. its not realistic for me to think i can constantly be around people though...

i have to be accountable for my actions and lately i haven't been... its so easy for me to shop and eat/vomit before anyone gets home. i hate having so much flexibility in my schedule sometimes!! its a blessing and a curse. :(

let's continue to post and try to encourage each other.

xoxo,
caroline

Dear just me,

keep searching for reasons that make you weak, if the food around you is the reason, ask your family,friends, or even the hotel house keeping to buy things daily, in order to control your self.

In the hotel, begin with soup and salad, and then you will have a very small place for carb and sweets.

Drink alot of water.

Stay with a book to read, and write down your feelings, and write down also what you consume daily.

Search in the net for another therapist.

God will support you.

kisses..xoxoxo