I feel so stupid

Hello.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am ever going to find happiness within without some form of distraction to avoid facing my emotions. At the moment, I can't seem to beat my ED but I'm still fighting hard and I pick myself up each time and get back on the road to a life without it.

A life without my ED. This is what frightens me the most. I know that my mind will automatically start searching for another distraction. How can I break this cycle? How can I stand on my own and truely say, I'm a happy woman who doesn't need to keep fighting with her own mind?

I feel like I'm destroying myself in order to protect myself which makes no sense at all in terms of logic. Perhaps this is why it's so hard to share the ED with friends and family. That's right, everyone now thinks I'm fine. Everyone thinks it's no longer a problem because I didn't want them to worry about me. But I worry about 'me' and I'm sick of this **** ED ruining my life.

I just don't understand that I know the problems, I know what's behind my ED, I know what I'm running away from but even still, I can't seem to beat it. I'm running away from my own mind, from my own emotions and by doing this, I'm ruining my life. WHY?!?!! It's so unfair. I've got so much to give, so much to live for, I'm so motivated to start my life in the best way. So why can't I just get rid of my ED?!!!

:(
XX

I was going to say find something that makes you happy and keeps your mind busy but I know your ED might have caused you to slowly lose yourself and make you forget what even has the ability to make you truly happy. I can understand hiding problems from friends and family. When you expose them to the truth, you will not receive the kind of help and re***urance you're looking for because they have no experience with what you're going through because they haven't dealt with it first hand and that, to me, hurts more than the sickness does.

Although I don't suffer from an ED, I suffer from severe anxiety and frequent panic attacks. I live in a house with my mom and little sister and their attempts to help do nothing but make my situation and anxiety worse. My work has always been my outlet and my only escape but when my anxiety recently hit an all time high, it has caused issues at work and with my boss because the lack of understanding, patience and comp***ion has started to throw me into a panic at work. Now, after my doctor suggested time off to regroup, I worry if I don't get control of my anxiety I will eventually lose my job and will be left with a big *** mess and the thought of that happening is controlling my thoughts at all times.

I have talked to many psychiatrists and counselors but recently started seeing a new one who seems to be taking the edge off of my fears and worries. Have you ever thought about seeing someone? A lot of people don't like the thought of talking to a total stranger about your problems and your deepest personal issues-- but i find it comforting and enjoy hearing what an outsider thinks of my situation; an outsider that may have the right tools for you to overcome your ED and start over.

You might not feel ready to let go because your ED has become your first priority. Your realization and acceptance of ED in your life and your want to change and get your life on track is already a big accomplishment. You deserve to live a happy, carefree life without having your ED holding you up. Is there anything you do or did before that allows you to express yourself and let out what's going on inside?

I hope you discover something that will help you overcome your ED. It won't be easy but you will get through it..

Good luck. Smile.

Hey, thanks so much for your reply.

I'm sorry that thinks are tough for you right now. I know only too well about how depression can get in the way of work - I lost countless jobs when I used to be up and down when I was on drugs (a while ago now).

I've been seeing a really good therapist and things have been going really well. I've taken up art classes, reading philosophy, knitting (!?!?!?!?!) and seeing friends more. I've also stopped a lot of the bad habits which were around my ED. I've done LOADS of personal searching and research about my ED. I've found the cause of my ED and I have a good idea of what I'm going to have to face when I can finally get rid rid of it.

Try not to be hard on yourself about your anxiety. It sounds like you're already taking some really great steps towards getting better. Believe in yourself. Thanks again for your reply.

xx

Sounds so familiar! I have definately been in your shoes and asked myself these questions. I've learned that I had to face my problems head on. Trust me, it is not easy! I had to bring things up that I had never wanted to speak of again...The beginning was a challenge! I did this by seeing a pychologist and therapist, but it may be different for you...maybe you have supportive people or you can do both. But, like I said...it was not easy. It took me two years to finally walk into an office to seek help and even then...at first it was like pulling teeth out of me. After a year of help, I'm glad to say I've faced my past, but I've lived with most of my problems the majority of my life...I really don't know a life without it and that is what scared me the most; the unfamiliarity of it all. I'm still in that stage of learning life without problems I've had...I still do have an ED because it's just an addiction I haven't been able to kick. With that said, I really thought that if I faced my problems than all of it will go away, but it didn't... I still have my ED. For me, I think it's a time to find out who I am without being in the shadows of my problems. It is scary yet exciting. Know that you are not alone and it takes one step at a time.

No problem :-). I'm really glad to hear things are looking up for you. All of that, I'm sure, will help you tremendously. Do your friends know anything about your battle with your ED? Do you have anyone you can confide in when you are having a bad day or you're struggling when something doesn't go as planned? Don't forget to reach out to someone or something, even if it's this website, if you're doubtful, sad or unsure one day. I've seen too many people on the right path to recovery for different reasons and when a bump in the road occurs, they lose control and forget about the progress they've made.

You're GOING to get through this. Your efforts to explore your ED and what lies behind it enspires me to be productive when I'm in panic mode. Thanks for encouraging words. You're strong and you can past this horrible thing that's caused pain for you.