I feel stuck. I have some really big decisions to make, and I don't know what to do. Neither would be a right or wrong choice. And I feel so overwhelmed. On one hand, my ex husband wants me to move down to L and live with him and his girlfriend so that I can be with my son all the time, instead of only once every few weeks. Which sounds ok, but the real reason he wants me to move down is because his girlfriends old roommate is moving out, and they need someone to babysit and help pay rent. The problem is, I wouldn't mind doing that, but I'm still learning how to cope with my BPD, and if I have a small episode in front of them, my ex will either freak out and tell me I'm not healthy enough, or pretend everything is ok and be understanding while secretly holding the event in his head to use against me in the future. If I moved in with them, I'd have to get a new doctor, that's willing to work with me and my current medications, and that would take my insurance, but no one will where they live. So, I'd be falling into debt with medical payments. My doctors and my insurance is really good where I am at right now. And I also want to start school this fall. If I move to a different state I'll have to pay out-of-state tuition. If I stay where I am, it'll be much cheaper and I'll be able to eventually transfer to a school near them. But if I decide to stay, my ex will try and hold my son from me, and tell me he thinks I'm too sick to have regular visitation, even though the court papers say I can have visitation within reasonable requests, and all my requests have been reasonable. I feel like going to college finally, and doing something i want to do, would be good for me AND my son, and it gives me some more time with my doctors as I master my skills to cope with my BPD. Now, I feel stuck. Should I apply and sign up for classes? Should I move closer to my son? Which would benefit my health? Because when I'm unhealthy, my son can tell, and it effects him, too. And I want to become a stronger, more mentally stable person, so that I CAN be a good mother, and a provider for my son. I want to be able to afford the things my mom used to do for us. I want to learn and study something I'm passionate about. I'm so confused on what I should do.
Do not move! It sounds like a very unhealthy situation esp. for someone trying to learn coping skills with BPD. OMG you'd be setting yourself up by living with someone who triggers you....and a triangle situation of adults is not good for your son. He needs a better model. Go to school while you can. Life changes and this might be your ONLY chance! Good luck to you. Keep fighting the good fight. ( Dr. Keith Gaynors video, Embracing BPD very helpful Youtube)
@annieamygdala Thanks. I feel the same way, but I don’t think my ex will. I feel like he’s just doing it to benefit himself, not actually help me get healthy. Being with my son helps me, but being around my ex makes me anxious and self conscious.
hey, You've been put in a very difficult position - not many people would be able to cope with it - l have bpd and l find relationships extremely difficult - esp extreme feelings of jealousy, guilt, anger - if you experience similar feelings, mixing that in with being around your ex husband and his girlfriend has the potential to really mess with your head :( and l know that you want to spend as much time as possible with your son but you need to keep yourself healthy
If your not mentally healthy you wont be the best you can be for your son its gonna be hard but if that means your not as close to him as you wish that may be what you will have to do ,,, for now. Remind yourself that this is temporary. Keep pressing forward sounds like your headed in the right direction. This will not last forever.
Thanks everyone!