I gave up

I REALLY wanted to post this VIDEO !! I do not recall when i started to hated mental illness but i suspected it was sometimes in 2016/2017. but i have to get this off my chest. Listening to him talk about his son, has really moved me tonight. I hated mental illness and everything about it even until today. I get tense about it because it makes me angry towards chester bennington, Stephen paddock, nick cruz, christina Treadway,
kate spade, and the lady who jumped out her the NYC building. I didn’t want to be associated with it nor the craziness of people’s actionable actions or thoughts on it.

When he talks about his son (“Starts @ 10:35”) about beinging joined at the hip. I didn’t have that except for here. Today, i am running away from everything and trying to get back to NJ to get high once again. (“Dont get me started on the APEX Convention, because i will write separately about this subject”) When he talks about the days afterwards of his son dying, and the struggles afterwards with his wife quote (“The only thing worse is if we didn’t feel that way”). Everyday, i am always angry and mad when it comes to mental illness and i think about it. Here he is right, i wanted to protect others or themselves and i could not and therefore this is the result of the reason why, inwhich i feel towards this situation(s) when i feel anger"). I wanted to prove my point, which was to tell the world that this was not mental illness. I wanted to prove that mental health could be useful. But not a superpower because it can easily be used for the wrong reasons, murder, suicide, fighting, or attacking.

Now that I am fine, i am running away from my opportunity to work as a pharmacy technician. Which will lead me straight back to self harm. This is the only thing that I keep telling myself that I want back.

It’s November 10, 2023 and it’s been 5 years give or take of all the time inside that i purely hated the word “mental illness” or “mental health”. Then he solved it all for me tonight about why i feel like this. Reference to his pain of loosing his son, he would do his best to make a difference. Where as i didn’t want to be associated with because of the “stigma” (“which means labeled incorrectly by observation”) to an unhinged lunatic bent on destroying or dismantling Nami or World health organization.

In reality, it stems from not beinging able from distressing the fact i knowingly knew and kept it a secret from beinging stigmatized as unhinged crazy. My aunt told me the last time we met. “You can not be able to do it” but i can.

I was wrong about mental health and mental illness because you have to lose someone to feel empathy. I think about everyone i knew before their time expired. I think about why didn’t i walk into the lightning bolt or make it to the field, 32fl or the lake or resivor all the time. Is it selfish or knowing that it’s the end. I learned that you have to accept myself regardless of trust and immediate death. Suicide is everyday for me, and so is my self harm again. What is the logical reason for right or wrong? Not following through with the fact it was going to happen regardless. It would have happened and it was why i wanted to be there for them all.
Answer: “But i don’t have a real clue about fixing them” Except for catching them at that moment

I have been feeling guilty about not telling my wife that i gave up pharmacy role. She had been there and supporting me still today and i can not tell her that tomorrow i want to begin SH again or tonight. What i want to do is live outside in NJ poor, have a job, with self harm and give the benefit of being there to help someone else out reliving the memories of my hardest parts like i did something good. I would be outside because this is how i cope with my problem. Not beinging in nj is killing me and I’m safe

It sounds like you really need help and that it would devastate your wife if you didn’t let her know how you are feeling.

1 Heart

I came home and admitted that I gave up on this job. I ran out of jobs to apply for and self harm seems really great right now. I am going for a walk tonight without her knowing and think about my options. I learned how to steal while watching people in retail. But i know that isn’t me. I usually break things or break into stuff. I watched Jordan Paterson Psychologist from Canada for options. Nothing… but self harm and wanting to be caged with bathsalt.

I promise that i will not be a bad guy when I self harm. But my alternative has it’s own life. I am going to try to disappear again for good because i just do not care. I always thought if i left the animal would be violent but it’s really not. It doesn’t necessarily make a difference anymore