I dont't think I can do this anymore and I don't even know if I want to anymore. I can't think anymore because it hurts too badly. I'm trying to reason with myself and I can't. I screwed everything up and I can't take any of it back. I can't make anyone understand that my heart and head is pulling me into very different directions. I didn't marry my husband because I love him and I'm not attracted to women because I was assulted by men. No matter how hard I try I keep hurting or loosing people. I'm tired of being judged and told what I'm supposed to feel and I don't want to feel anymore.
Hi Ladybug, I am so very sorry for how you are feeling, though I am so happy that you are here with us. Please know that you will never be judged here, we are here to help you through this. I know that you feel badly about what has happened in the past, but what's important is what you do going forward. What would make you feel most at peace and happiest now? Are you still with your husband? And, do you find yourself more attracted to women?
I am still with my husband more because I feel like I have to be. He put me through school and has supported me for the last few years and I was supposed to put him through school. He tells me that I'm being selfish now he said that if I leave him to be with another woman, he ll make sure that I will never have custody of our children. I'm very attracted to women and I fell in love with my best friend. We slept together and she is married and also has a boyfriend. She now doesn't want anything to do with me and proceeded to tell people in our very small town that I came onto her, even though it was the other way around. Our relationship was so complicated we were best friends, then lovers, and then nothing and it switched back and forwarth without me knowing what's going on. I have to see her daily along with her husband and boyfriend. All I hear is how I'm hurting people and I'm messing up others lives and I'm tired of always messing up.
Ladybug, I don't think that you are doing anything negative or messing up anyone else's life. I think that you are trying to be your true authentic self, though you feel trapped in your present life. What your husband did for you is wonderful, though he cannot hold it over you and keep you "prisoner" in this life. As well, he absolutely cannot threaten to keep your children from you. Have you ever talked to a lawyer about your options? Knowledge is definitely power and if you are truly done with your marriage, then it's time to start taking small steps towards living a life that fulfills you.
And, in regard to your best friend, it seems that she battles her own self to really fit into this more traditional mold. She is the one who messed things up, not you. You were true to your feelings and she betrayed you. Please don't feel badly or guilty about that, because it's she who did wrong in your situation.
Please know that you are not alone, I am here for you.
Thank u, so much. I do want a divorce so badly, I'm so tired of pretending to be happy. He doesn't want a divorce and he made it perfectly clear that he will never give me what I want. I'm trying to move on when it comes to that friend of mine, it's all so overwhelming and I don't think anyone has hurt me like she has. That is why he is soooo angry with me. I cheated on him with her and I'm very sorry about that and I think he knows that but he is so angry that I felt such a strong connection with her that I have never felt with him.
Ladybug, I believe that the heart knows no bounds and sometimes we truly can't help who we connect with; it's something that unexplainable. I think that it's time for you to start moving towards a life of living, and if you can try to do so as peacefully as possible with your husband, the better everything will proceed. If you can explain to him that you are very unhappy and that you would like to move on with a life of your own; therefore, would like to proceed with divorce. I know that it won't be easy, but if you are certain that you are completely done with your marriage and there is no chance of change or re-connecting, then it's time to take the steps forward. Is this something that you can do at this time?