i got into a fight with my family today.
i didnt want to, but i couldnt help it.
things are really tough and no one seems to understand. no one seems to realize the effort, energy, focus, and strength it takes to do the smallest things.
for me everyday is hard and every area is something i am trying in. i wake up and get out of bed before i can process that i am starting yet another day. then i try to move and do things, try to put on a brave face, try to ignore pain, to get to work, try to miss traffic, try to get the right spot to park, try to be pleasant at work, try to get work done, try to be productive, try to remember everything that is going on, that went on and predict what will happen. i try to hear whats going on so i can keep track of where i am needed and how i can assist, but my hearing isnt great and it is getting worse. i try to keep everyone happy which never happens. i try to ignore all that is going on with me. i try to get home. i try to be pleasant when i am at home. i try to get through the evening/night. i try to get into bed at a decent time. i try to fall asleep. i try to stay asleep. i try not talking in my sleep, or crying out loud, or fighting anyone or anything. i try to make it though the night so i can try again when my alarm goes off.
people tell me i need to loosen up, to relax, to breathe. But i know myself- if i breathe the deep breathe everyone seems to think is great, then i will fall apart. i will unravel and i dont know if i will make it back. every time i relax in the slightest coming back is harder than the last time.
the fight i had with my family started because someone hit me hard- it was a loud hit, but i didnt feel it. i was trying to ignore myself and when that happens (succesfully) i dont feel pain. I am used to being in pain and no one can figure it out, so i learnt to either deal with it or ignore it. my ignoring skills are so strong that i self mutilate with burning, bruising, cutting and i dont feel anything until hours later.
anyone, later on tonight i was driving and i let myself feel for one split second and i got a nose bleed while driving on the highway. it lasted 10 minutes or so. i let myself feel angry at my family- not because of the fight, but because they didnt understand me AGAIN. i wished they would realize that yes i can handle myself and yes i know being not okay, but not arguing, complaining, not fighting back is too much for me to handle at the moment. that if i try in one more area- try to answer back, try to stand, try to stop whatever is going on i will completely fail and not functionable.
every area in my life is a trial. i am trying to be a productive worker, trying to be a sister, a daughter, a friend, a grand daughter, an aunt, a member of society. i am trying to not commit suicide. i am trying not to mutilate, i am trying to focus on everything around me- i need to constantly see what is going on reading peoples lips, watching body language and gestures, paying attention to EVERYTHING around me because i cant depend on my ears, i am trying...
my therapist asked my some questions and based on that we discovered when i mutilate, especially burn, i feel safe and like i am letting myself out- i am a "Stiff" person and have been under a lot of control and discipline all my life so when i mutilate i let the real me out. when i dont feel safe i will mutilate. i understand that is not healthy, but i know based on tonight i need it again really soon.
i dont know how i do it, but i know i do it (it shows when a 4 inch blister shows up and my clothing is soaked with blood...
i guess i am just saying- wish me luck....
Hey, first you deserve better than being hit. You deserve to be safe. Ok, You probably know this, but I just had to say it. Second, you must be exhausted. You are putting in so much energy and feeling so much stress trying to do everything in every part of your life "right." I wish there was a way to practice easing up in at least one area of your life. I totally get every area of your life being a trial. I have different reasons, but I feel the same way.
@alexia00 thanks. Yes i know i deserve better than being hit. There are sometimes i am focusing so much on surviving the turmoil that is inside of me that i dont have a single care. What bothers me is that no one else has noticed thelack of emotion or regard fkr my safety as a sign that thereis something more going on.
I am not a very trusting person, so feeling safe is not something that comes easy for me. Mutilating gives me that. It has nothing to do with control. I can be in the middle of a war zone (which has happened) and as long as i mutilate at some point then i feel safe, calm, healthy, and like myself. I dont get a high or an adrenaline rush. Just a sense of peace. So when i get hit and i dont care about it some might think that is okay because the alternative can be even worse.
Hey. I just wanted to let you know you are doing a great job in all your battles. Families sometimes just don't see that. They absolutely should not attack you physically, but what can one do, right?
It's harder than it seems, but as often as possible, try not to wait for their appreciation, for their understanding. Sometimes you would wait forever. I know it's in our DNA to wait for some approval of society and especially family, but we just have to let that go sometimes. You are doing great, look, with your conditions you got a steady job, you socialize, you help around the house - come on, that's an awesome piece of work for someone with our diagnosis!
You are the one to pat yourself on your back. You don't do this for them, you do this for you.
They will not understand, because they don't want to. Trust me, I could spend hours yelling in my parents' faces that "I want to live this way", "I don't think I am fat" (in size M), "Reading and painting ARE hobbies, not lazy doing nothing", "I will not iron my pyjamas", "I don't need a boyfriend to be happy", "I am not like them", "Insulting someone is not a humor" and the list would go to infinity.
It wouldn't help. They will not see eye to eye with me, that is just how it is. We must stop beating ourselves over that. You are a very strong young lady fighting a very difficult battle. I know it would be pointless to tell you to stop SH, but please just be careful and promise me not to take it too far. Be careful on yourself, take care, and a big hug! Let us know how you're doing. Good luck!