My wife and I had a great friendship during our marriage. We were able to deal with things with a smile and after the first two years we rarely argued. We will be married for ten years this September. Before we got married I knew that there was a sexual issue between the two of us. We got married knowing that we would work on improving our sex. I don’t think that she was very comfortable with her sexuality. During our honeymoon we had sex once out of seven days. This issue grew and became our main issue. She is an artist and performs in clubs in which she received a lot of attention. She also traveled to perform. The lack of sex created insecurities for me and when she would leave I would get major anxiety. There was no sex when she left and there was no sex when she would return. My thought process starting going on the lines of, “if she’s not doing me, then she’s doing somebody”. When I would try to make advances I would be rejected. It was very common for her to move my hand away from her body. What was odd was, the next morning I was able to act as it had never happen, and go on about my day.
We have been together for over thirteen years now and I can count the number of times that she perused sex on my right hand. A year ago I cheated. I cheated and admitted my wrong doings. One night we were lying in bed and having a conversation about sex. She told me that I was like her mother, always saying something and never doing anything about it. Mind you at this point I had set up three different counseling sessions with a marital counselor, sex therapist and a family counselor and nothing ever changed. That next day I left. While I was gone we were supposed to work on our relationship. I halfheartedly went to counseling and found myself in a sexual relationship with a former co-worker which lasted for 6 months. My wife found out about my co-worker and continued to want to work it out. About a month ago my wife said she had enough and now is in a relationship of her own. I know that we still love each other and it is apparent when our guards aren’t up. We have several rental properties and when I left we happened to have a vacancy. When I thought that I was losing my wife, I moved back home. I always knew that I would return home. Once I moved back home she has never slept here again. We have to talk because of our business together. I love my wife and wish that we could both try to work it out at the same time. I’m so torn up about losing my wife.
You both care about each other but are not in love with each other. People who are in love with each other don't bring other people into their relationship.
I wonder why you didn't decide to work it out until she started seeing someone else. I'm not judging, but it would be crazy not to acknowledge that 10 years of a sexually dysfunctional marriage went by, and nobody did anything about it until other people became involved? My first marriage was nearly sexless. I was married to someone who made me feel crappy, and I was not at all sexually attracted to him because of it. After 10 years, he moved out and found a very young girlfriend. He and I had lived like roommates or best friends, or brother and sister, but in a very sick and dysfunctional way. My self-esteem was in the toilet. Good sex is like air or water, and if you are deprived of it, and don't fix the problem, the marriage will eventually die. I would be very cautious about pursuing a relationship with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you, but will do so with someone else. Sex is the most intimate thing in the world, and for a person who is afraid of intimacy, going outside of the marriage and being with a virtual stranger solves that problem. You deserve to be with someone who wants to have sex with you. Is that person your wife? I don't know. Maybe it could be. But if she is incapable of true intimacy with her husband, then reconciling with her would be signing up for more of what you got in the first 10 years.
I wanted to work it out before then, I got caught up in not wanting to hurt my co-worker friend. When she got someone else if felt that I wasted too much time on protecting my co-worker. I would talk about this issue to my mother and she said the same thing, that I shouldn’t be with someone that doesn’t want to have sex with me. You hit the nail right on the head Soft. I am glad that I posted, it really is out of my character. Thank you.
I also want to say that every human being has the capacity to be sexual, as far as I know. I ended my first marriage thinking I must literally be asexual, because all feelings and desires were seemingly dead. Once I got with a person who treated me with respect and kindness and love, my sex drive came back. It is super important to me that my partner finds me sexually attractive and vice versa. We all deserve as much. I hope you and your wife can work this out, but remember, you deserve real intimacy, whomever you are with.
I agree with what "Teach" said . . . you both love each other, but you're not "in love" with each other.
I would say, considering what you've told us about your marriage, it is, for the most part, a "marriage of convenience".
Unfortunately, each time that someone new is introduced into the marriage by each of you by having "an affair"; the dynamics of this "marriage of convenience" has the possibility to change for the worse!
Each new person who is introduced into the marriage by either one of you . . . puts you each in jeopardy financially since you own rental properties together. Each of you can be influenced or pursaded to do things behind each others back to gain the upperhand. You don't want it to go there!
What puzzles me also about your relationship with your wife is the fact that you've said that she's an adult entertainer, the dancing on stage kind. She has to separate 'sex from love' (in her profession) on a daily basis. I would think that it would be difficult for her to come home, after a long days work and to want to do the same thing that she's been doing all day at work; which is turning on her sexuality and to have to perform sexually.
She may claim that she's satisfied in her new extra-marital affair that she's having, but I suspect that (eventually) this new person will be treated the same manner that you've been treated by her. Unless, of course, she has something to gain from him financially?
In most of the cases that I've read about or learned about; men seem to always dream of marrying the beautiful, professional, high-class dancer that they go to these gentlmen's clubs to admire each week. In their eyes, she's the girl of their dreams! But, unfortunately, the 'beautiful, high-class dancer" see's them as a means of climbing the financial ladder or to provide them with stability and sometimes, even to father a child.
Your wife knew that you would be someone that she could trust and would be a good financial partner. The equation of love and sex (most likely in her mind) never had anything to do with her wanting to marry you.
It would be better that you both parted ways amicably and be fair to one another financially. I would be talking to a lawyer if I were you.
I wish you the very best and hope that it works out in both of your best interests.
S.O.C.
LOL, S.O.C. We are both artist. She is a poet that travels and preforms all over the US. I am a guitarist but I don't travel, lol. She is not a STRIPPER, LOL. Soft's brother and sister comment was correct. We always had fun together, but our nights were not great. One note here. My wife can't have children and through couseling she says that she realized that her sexual dysfuntion stems from her inability to have children, she found sex "useless". I'm 38 and she's 36, we spent most of our adult lives together. It's sad to see your friend/wife go. We had more good times then bad, we both agree on that. I truly wish her well, and myself, lol. S.O.C., she couldn't have been anything else other than a stripper, lol... Get your mind out of the gutter kiddo, lol a stripper, hahaha. (you surely don't know her)
S.O.C., you were right about one thing, she is beautiful, we're both good looking people. Voted the best looking couple by our neighborhood Starbucks, lol....
Yeah, I was surprised when I heard exotic dancer and had to go reread your original post. I didn't get 'stripper' out of it, so it must have been an erroneous assumption on the part of SOC. At least it made you laugh. As for the fact that your wife can't have kids, and thinks sex is useless, I would have to say it may be an excuse for other issues. I am 47, and my husband who is 54 has a vasectomy about 6 years ago. Sex became better, and we certainly can't have more kids. I filed for divorce on May 23 for other reasons, a different deal-breaker in the marriage. I will miss sex with him sooooo much. I am heartbroken about never having that connection with him again. He was also my best friend, not in a brother and sister way, but in an intimate husband and wife way. We are divorcing because his depression and its resulting impulsive decisions has finally caused me to break. So tragic to lose someone you love so much, but I couldn't drown with him and I couldn't take the pain of his impulsive decisions when he was in his worst moments of depression.
Your post made a lot of sense Soft, about the attraction. I like to think of myself as a romantic. I loved surprising my wife with flowers, clothes, dinner and a super clean home among other things. Her face would glow when I would do things for her while she was at work. I once took my guitar and played it for her at her job. She was embarrassed and tickled pink. During counseling she told the therapist that I do romantic well. I would hate to think that the reason our sexual relationship wedged us apart was because she wasn’t attracted to me.
She probably hates herself and it has nothing to do with you. I think she was probably very honest when she told the counselor you do romantic well. If she doesn't feel good about herself, she is not likely to have the capacity to be attracted to you or anyone else. If you didn't have sex on your honeymoon, that is a problem that she brought into the marriage. It was there from the get-go, and did not wedge you apart later. It wedged you apart from day one. I am sad for you. Sex is important and every married person is entitled to true intimacy with their spouse. When one person can't be intimate, and doesn't want to get help to solve the problem, you can't really blame yourself. I do not condone that you went outside the marriage, but I can almost understand why you chose to.
Dear emd173,
I never called your wife a stripper! So it's 'your' mind that's in the gutter, not mine.
And, regardless of what her profession is, your missing the point.
You have both cheated on each other. She's currently (admittedly) involved in an extra-marital affair and claims that she's happy in it. That's 'why' she's not having sex with you.
You need to see the "Elephant that's sitting in your living room".
If you continue to wollow in self-pity, she's going to take the upper hand and just chalk you up as being weak (and stupid). She already said that "you're like her mother, all talk and no action".
Do you need a brick wall to fall on your head?
Your marriage was seriously damaged the moment you decided to crawl into bed with your co-worker and is further being damaged by your wife, who's currently involved in an extra-marital affair of her own. Tell me, do you still work with the woman that you cheated with? If so, that's certainly NOT helping your situation.
Not even the best marriages survive those kinds of things!
It's odd that you feel offended, because I 'supposedly' called your wife a "stripper" (I never called her a stripper) . . . yet, considering your behavior (having had the affair with your co-worker) and your wife's behavior, who's sleeping with her new lover; come to think of it, I would be giving your wife a 'compliment' if I HAD called her a stripper! I think a stripper has more self-respect than you or your wife do!
Sorry, but that's just being bluntly honest.
You need to get over trying to save your marriage and focus on securing whatever assets that you want to keep BEFORE she files for the divorce first! Unless, of course, you want to leave it all to her and her new lover to start their new life together?
Best regards,
S.O.C.
P.S. And seriously, you need to stop being SO vain! We all get old. And old people tend to look all the same, wrinkled and gray.
You're going to need money for retirement, so you better start thinking seriously about your financial future!
Dear emd173,
Sorry, but I didn't mean to offend you by offering you the truth.
There's an old saying, "You can never un-ring a bell". And, I think that this applies in your situation.
S.O.C.
I think it is a valid point that he needs to look at protecting his assets. Also valid that it's unlikely to be a viable marriage with both spouses involved in infidelity. I don't think his wife's profession is relevant or the reason there is a problem in the marriage, but I can understand why it's important to emd173 that she not be viewed as an adult entertainer. I also agree that if there is ANY hope of salvaging the marriage, neither one can work with or associate with the person they cheated with. But he can only control what he does, and needs to extract himself from the coworker regardless of what the wife does with her lover. I took my parenting class for my divorce a few nights ago. It was filled with divorce stats. Something like 90% of marriages nationwide that started as an affair end in divorce within 5 years. The grass isn't always greener.....
WOW SOC, way to hold no punches, lol. If you felt attacked by my comments, I apologize and I thank you for your honesty. SOC I am willing and able to let my wife go. We haven’t lived in the same house for a year. We stopped dating each other on May 1, well she stopped, but I wasn’t truly invested. The relationship she is in is about 7-8 weeks old. I call the person that I slept with my co-worker for convenience. There was never a relationship between us while we worked together. My affair didn’t start until 4 months after I moved out. To answer your question SOC, no, we do not work together and never had a sexual relationship until she left our job. I never felt offended about you calling my wife a stripper. I just thought it was funny. In fact, when I read the word stripper, it reminded me of the story I use to tell about how we met, in which I imply that she might have been a stripper. Your comment was just funny… SMILES
The self-respect thing, I get it and I’ll give you that one. We both could benefit from a large dose of respect in general. As far as our assets, we built those things together and I honestly feel that we’ll work this out, but I do have a very good lawyer, and I do want the apartment building (vain?).
As far as my vanity goes, SOC I really love myself and never depended on my wife to feel SELF love. I wanted to share a love with my wife! I gave my all for a long time, but hurt and bitterness crept in and I wanted to hurt her like she was hurting me. I know it wasn’t the right move but my ego was bruised. My ego, hahaha. My ego, now that is a superficial quality that I would like to delete from my existence.
My financial future, I have several houses that I rent out, a small business that is 14 years old and running and I am a special education teacher. I have been working on my future since I was 24. SOC please don’t get me wrong, I do know that there are not too many roses in all of this.
Soft, I don’t know you but I think you are amazing. Thank you for the support.
You sound amazing too. Realistic, apologetic, hurt, embarrassed and ashamed, but not bitter and out for revenge. I'm not surprised you are a special education teacher. I am a kindergarten teacher. We tend to think alike.
You never read the word "stripper" in my original post. I never wrote that.
S.O.C.
Semantics SOC, semantics. And once again, sorry but we're grown here and implying the word is just the same. i.e. semantics. Plus, I think you called us whores as well, lol you make me smile... to each its own.
Soft, thanks for the complament. Now back to the game, go Heat!
emb173. No. I don't "make you smile" (lol). I piss you off, because I tell you the truth.
Now you're claiming that I called you and your wife "whores" TOO!! (that's laughable).
Why do you have SUCH a hard time with the truth?
Why don't you try being truthful to yourself for a change? It really isn't all that hard.
Actually, I'm surprised that you haven't ran whining . . . to the people who operate this site, claiming that I've (semantically) called you and your wife 'whores and strippers'.
Go back and read my original posts, I never said the word stripper.
But IF you find it therapeutic to twist my words into (what amounts to me as) a grown man 'WHINING' about what I've said, then please, go ahead . . . it doesn't bother me in the least. I'm glad that I can be used in that way to help you out emotionally. Isn't that why we're all here? To help each other out emotionally?
If you didn't want anyone to respond to your posts honestly regarding you and your wife's infidelity and what you're doing to each other to destroy your marriage, then why DID you choose to air your "dirty laundry" here? You told your story and I responded to it (honestly).
What you did by cheating in your marriage with a co-worker had consequences. What your wife is choosing to do by sleeping with this other man has consequences.
It infuriates you that your wife can have sex with this other guy and is able to say that he satisfies her, but yet, according to you, in your own words, "you could never please her in bed". Maybe she has 'chemistry' with this other guy? Maybe there's something about him that you don't have that she finds exciting when she's with him?
You can't create this 'chemistry' between two people, it's either there or it isn't.
Look at Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowels. He had Princess Diana, but yet he physically and emotionally wanted Camilla. That one, I'll never understand.
In regards to your marriage, you started the house of cards to lean and now your wife is causing it to fall. You have no control over this.
Your wife thought that she knew you like she knows the back of her hand, but yet, she didn't, because, I'm sure that she never thought you would betray her in the way that you did.
And now, you don't know what she's going to do next? And, not knowing is one of the 'consequences'. The consequences suck. IF ONLY people would stop and think about the consequences, BEFORE they do something that's going to alter the rest of their lives, this world would be such a better place.
There's a famous line in the movie 'The Shining' that Jack Nicholson stars in. In it, he says, "You did it to yourself". That statement is so true.
You want everything to be as it was, but the statistics show that cheating in a marriage is one of the biggest reasons for divorce there is.
In your own words, when your wife was at home and not on the road, there was no sex and when she left and returned, there was STILL no sex.
When two people get married, they normally have an emotional, a psychological and a physical need to be with one another. Yet, your marriage was lacking that on your wife's part.
She claims that her 'fridgedness' towards you was caused by her inability to have children. That's just plain horse@#it !! because she's now having sex in her new relationship and liking it just fine.
You said that if you placed your hand on her, that it was normal for her to move it away. It seems that 'you' married your wife because 'you' had all of the normal feelings towards her, but in reality, by your own admission, your wife never had all of these feelings towards you. You don't seem to want to accept this about your marriage and you seem to want to stay in total denial of it. It has already been 13 years! How much longer are you going to remain in denial?
You deserve to be happy and be in a 'normal' relationship and marriage with someone. And, believe it or not, THERE IS someone out there who is more suitable for you. Someone who will love you in the same way that you love them.
And when you finally do get on with your life and find this new 'someone', you had better NEVER cheat on them! If you do, you're not just hurting them, you're hurting yourself too! But, you already know this now (right?) after having lived it first hand.
S.O.C.
SOC, I think you have my best interest at heart? What I also think is that we may word things differently. Going through this I have learned about marriage, honesty, commitment, my relationship with God, and life holistically. I have experienced a hurt so deep that it has changed my life. SOC, I miss my family, that’s all. I know what went on and what is going on. I don’t claim to be the strongest person in the world. I may whine at times, and I cry too. I have no doubt that if we divorce I will be able to love someone again. SOC, I thank you for your words, rather I agree with them or not. You didn’t have to take the time to post anything. P.S. If I laugh at what you wrote, then I laughed. :)