I hate everything. I hate that I have so many problems. I hate that I can't fix it but my dr can. I hate that i get so angry I could hurt someone. I hate that I gt so depressed I wish I had the guts to do somehing about it. I hate that I hurt my family with all my problems. I hate that I need drugs just to feel like a normal person, and somedays I still don't. I hate that I'm almost 20 years old and I feel like I'm doomEd to live offf the government. I hate that i don't deserve my boyfriend. I hate that half the people I call my friends aren't my real friends at all. I hate that I drink, cut, do anything I can to numb my pain from the past. I hate that I'll never be able to function without meds. I hate everything.. I'd go on but I'd rather just lay here and stare at the ceiling. Goodnight.
hi .. I was surfing the Web and found this site; i am new. I am also in my 40s today and when i read your post, i felt like i was taking a long walk back in time and remembering my own hates and pains at your age. I was the agriest person i knew back then and Never thought i would get through it. Even though there are times I still spin in it .. it's Never as bad as it used to be or to the same degree ..
It took me literally years of trying everything else out there, therapy, outpatient therapy, group therapy, medications, you name it .. before listening to friends who would tell me for years to try alanon. I had absolutely No idea Why i would do that .. i wasn't a drinker, didn't have anyone who couldn't handle their alcohol in my presence and therefore thought it was Crazy to think it had Anything to do with my depression. When i finally decided to try it, i ended up going in staying a while and then leaving. In the meantime I was in a relationship with a meth addict (unknowingly) .. the situation was absolutely crazy .. i joined an addiction Website for 2 years reading and learning and recognizing many similar patterns of others storys of spouses, partners, relatives, and linking their behavior with first his and later mine .. and i just knew i had to fix (him) .. so i tried and went to the meetings .. i left but went back because One day out of the blue i recognized how Much i obssessed on this person .. this was my real problem .. Obssession .. later i realised it wasn't just Him but all things .. obssession was my problem Not obssessing on him .. later it became clear i obssessed in general on everything .. especially .. the depression and despair i felt (a symptom of depression) that spinning wheel with ruminating thoughts .. I had No control over them either .. the negatives .. anyway why am i bringing this up, you may or may not ask ? because i later recognized the study of the steps are applicable to Everyone and in step 7 the exact nature of our wrongs came to mean .. human nature .. and drinking is Not just a drinking disease it's a thinking disease and when our thinking gets so absolutely turned around, negative, and distorted there is a Much more than likely chance somewhere in our lives past or present we have been affected by anothers irrational thinking process .. and possibly drinking as well. hence the 12 steps can heal it .. there is so much i could share with you and others but basically it's only my experience i can share .. I wish to God someone had mentioned the possible idea of this to me at your age .. I might have stopped merely surviving and literally learned through the steps how to live at a Much earlier time in my life ..
I'm not here to give advice or push but it's something that may be worth a try .. my own daughter (depressed) had gotten a lot of healing beginning in an alateen meeting ..
Anyway for what it's worth .. today i am so grateful for the recovery i have received i felt i would share it .. please just take what you like and delete the rest ..
it was your line up there that mainly caught my attention .. "I hate that I can't cure it but my doctor can .. " i don't know if there is a definite cure for depression but i do know there is treatment .. i also learned believe it or not i did have choices and a whole lot more power than i ever imagined i had .. I had higher power as soon as i began turning it over by sharing in an annonymous and safe atmosphere with others in the 12 steps who had been there before me .. there is even emotions annonymous that may also be very helpful .. i hope you don't mind my responding .. you're in my thoughts tonight !! i just know it was true .. i literally Was the one person who couldn't be helped (by human beings alone) .. i Needed the guidance and loving care of a higher power .. or as we call him in meetings .. the God of my understanding .. Translation .. God who understands Me .. take care and feel free to tak if you like .. hope ..
Hi Amanda, It is good that you have written out the things you hate. Now take a look at your list. Start with one thing that you can do something about and work on it. You may be taking baby steps in the beginning but doing something about one thing is progress. What is one thing on your list that you feel you can begin to do something about?
That sounds like me, I just don't think I can be fixed. I'm on meds that help but I have crazy side effects and I just feel like I wanna give up and just have someone lock me up in the nut house and forget i even exist.
I have some questions though, what is alanon? I couldn't tell in your post if it was a med or a group type thing? And what are the 12 steps? I don't know them. Im sure their on google or something.
Im sorry your daughter is depressed and I hope she gets better! I also thinks its amazing that you came out of that relationship and raised a daughter and fought through your depression! Congrats!
I know i can get through this its just going to take some time. Thanks for your post!!!
Bluidkiti- your absolutly right. there are things i want to change and i can start with cutting off the things on my list. I think the first one (and maybe easiest) is to cut off the people from my friends list that aren't really my friends.. the ones that only call when they need favors, and only want me to come get drunk with them, the ones that are actually doing me more harm than good.
Thanks! That helped alot!!!
Hey Amanda, Glad I could help you out. Here is a link for Alanon so you can read about it http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ . The 12 steps originated with AA - Alcoholics Anonymous - http://www.aa.org/ . Other groups like Alanon, Naranon, NA - http://www.na.org/ etc use them also though the wording may be a little different. You can view the 12 steps for AA here http://www.aa.org/twelveandtwelve/en_tableofcnt.cfm . Keep on making small changes and taking it one day at a time. ((((hugs))))
Thanks bluidkiti!! I found the address of the NA and AA in my town and i plan on going to meetings sometime soon! Thanks so much!
Alanon is a 12 step program which is for family members affected by drinking .. however, in my experience the reasons we go there are based on anonymity and for us to decide whether or not we belong .. in my experience i had never found anywhere i belonged (or felt like) until i joined there .. after being in, i realise today i still need meds, but as i said, the depression has never been as bad as it was before .. The steps work with higher power .. for some, it's the God they were raised to believe in .. for others it's the number of others who attend the same meetings .. the logic ? 2 to however many more minds work better than one .. It's a program where Nobody gives advice but only shares experience .. Still solutions come .. the program works through grace .. The reason nobody gives advice is because we couldn't work out our own lives let alone someone elses .. As human beings we learn by experience in general .. not only our own but others .. when we listen to others share their experiences we Also listen to the solutions they learned and we learn in return .. usually a much different way of thinking .. there is so much truth in the shares it's hard not to replace the thinking with our own .. it makes sense .. i like what the other said too .. picking one thing and working on it .. for me .. the problem was Nobody could tell me Anything .. My mind was closed to solutions because i was too depressed .. (that's only me and my experience) the steps not only opened me up to alanon but also to hearing then later what the therapists had been trying to tell me all along .. naranon is ok too but from where i live, it wouldn't be as effective because so many of the members there are mainly court ordered and go for show.. (that is only here, it may be different in other areas and again only my experience) .. I never usually suggest the program but since i recognize the thinking and how it passes from one to another, i recognize also the world is Filled literally with others affected by alcoholism unknowingly and thinking behaviors .. the only requirement for membership is that there be a family member relative or friend .. with a problem .. if we have been in contact with them .. then bingo =) .. we have probably been affected .. the program is based on attraction; not promotion so please don't again view this as me promoting but i have to say one last time .. again i wish someone had attracted my attention to it long ago .. it may not work for everyone but it does work for those who embrace it with an open mind .. God always decides who hears a message and when .. all we really need to do is be willing honest and open .. there are so many who have dealt with depression .. it is not magic .. it is a spiritual common sense that really does make sense .. i'll try to post the 12 when i can if you like ..
here's the first 3 which are truly the foundation of the next 9 ..
1 .. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable ..
(for me .. this step was about Admitting problems and how they pertained to me .. not others .. (I learned later to replace the word Alcohol with People, places, and situations .. ourselves included) I was powerless to change because i had absolutely no idea what my problem was .. i couldn't change something i couldn't see .. i was depressed .. i couldn't reason things through in my own mind .. i couldn't grow, keep relationships, and i couldn't find anything that truly moved me .. everything in my life was a mess .. my way never worked ..
2... Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity ..
(again for me .. before the program .. i had come to believe Every negative message (i) had ever told myself .. others too .. i came to believe there was no hope for me .. i had to go to meetings listen and learn to come to believe change was possible .. not only possible but probable ..
3... Made a decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of God as we understood him ..
(the first day i walked through the doors and committed to attending at least several meetings before deciding i had turned what i would do over to God who cares about me .. as i continued to share outloud, he began to go to work .. what i will do will always make a mess .. what God will do will always be so much better .. With respect to every religion, personal belief or view of higher power, even to those who don't believe .. i came to realise god is a clear thinker .. he can reason, speak feel and is of sound mind .. he understands us all as human beings .. but i have to keep going to keep my belief .. i needed to relearn many things by continuing to go ..
Just a note in reference to the above ::
AA is for drinkers .. Alanon is family members .. but i'm sure they can direct you .. in the meantime, there is an online site .. www.stepchat.com .. it's not entirely the same as face 2 face but it does help when in need !!!
Thanks, Amanda .. one last thing then i'll stop taking up All your space .. lol i'm not so good at sending these.. as you can see i'm better at making copies .. Sighs ..
Alanon is an anonymous group of others who have been where you are and understand perhaps better than few people can.. i've come to believe through the years that even 99% of those on the system (believe it .. or not) are there because they Need it .. whether they know it or not .. as for taking time .. there are 12 steps for a reason and they are definitely a life time process .. but they are amazing .. Even if lets say you go and decide it isn't for you right now .. you have a seed planted and when you are ready you can choose it always even another time .. that's what happened to me .. i had been hearing about it forever before i finally made the decision but all the time seeds were being planted until i was entirely ready .. praise god, i'm finally ready ..
If you do decide to go .. don't worry about thinking you can't do it .. truth ? you can't .. i never could either . the comforting part is alanon is a We program not an I program .. I Never worked.. together We can do it with the loving guidance and grace from a power greater than ourselves .. (All of us combined)
xoxox back at you .. keep looking and Remember !! What we look for .. we find .. !!!
Tonight my friend and I are going to NA. she doesn't have a problem she's just going with me fo support. Thank you all for you feedback And support it really helps!!!
Amanda, let me know how it goes. Maybe I should consider the same. I'm so stressed right now.
Well our plans fell through. Were hoping to go next monday.
we all get there when we’re supposed to… I agree … Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future … I think what makes a Saint is they Keep going back knowing full well the mercy that awaits them and of course we would never know of the mercy without the sinners … Our darkest moments R Gods opportunity for Glorification …
when you do go, Amanda … if the meeting is a good one, i think you’ll find you are more comfortable than you thought you would be … if Naranon doesn’t give that feeling … try the alanon if you get the chance … One thing’s for sure … you Already have Courage the moment you walk through the door … Good luck !!
Hello Everyone!
I am new to this forum. I suffer from clinical depression, a lot of anxiety and issues related to past trauma, abuse and neglect. I am just starting to look for a therapist and have finally decided to 'face the music' and deal with all the things I am currently trying to run away from. Very scared about the concept of truly opening up to someone but I know that if I don't deal with this now the negative behaviour patterns and depression won't be manageable. I push people away because I am afraid that I will be hurt again or that people won't like me yet the isolation sometimes makes me suicidal.
Hi, lumpy. Welcome. I'm glad you found us. I've found most of the people in these groups are very nice and helpful. We all try to share our experience, strength and hope with one another. It has helped me and I haven't been here long myself.
Talking to a therapist is scary but it's very helpful and has even literally helped save my life! Psychotherapy and drugs are the only ways 'experts' have found to help people w/ painful moods and hurtful thinking and acting. It used to bother me to take drugs to feel better too. But that was sooooo long ago I've just had to accept it. I'd rather feel better with them and feel bad without them. Just the thought of not having them or running out causes me anxiety. I know to the bottom of my being that I need them. Oh, well I'm not the only one in the world. There are lots of us. You'll be okay!
Well, we know what you hate now, so what do you want to do about it? (Joking around here, it may help some)
The ONLY constant is change. Think back on your life and see how much has remained constant since day one. I doubt you'll find much more than I did, when I did this myself.
We are helpless only when we see ourselves as helpless. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's true. I have found, more oft than not, that I make myself helpless more than some entity makes me helpless. I always have plenty of options, but none are really "right" for the time at hand. We just need to change the way we see things, since we're most often programmed by someone to see ourselves as helpless.
All drugs, including alcohol, cover or mask things. They don't help. In college, I learned more than I wanted to about drugs. When things fell apart, I found out how they really messed things up for me. Now, for better or worse, I'm off most of them, and doing better. All of my problems are in my way of thinking, and I need a clear head for getting better. The drugs are just a quick fix for others (like the government), not us.
I'm not sure why you think that about your boyfriend. Honestly, it is usually they who don't deserve the women they have, not the other way around. If this comes from the reason we're all here, then it makes less sense to me. Most of what happens to us is not in our control, any more than getting hit by a single drop of rain during a storm. It falls from the cloud, just as it sets out to do, and at an end point collides with us. If you try to dodge this one drop, you impact with another, or something is put between you and it to stop it from hitting you. In your control, however, is if you strip and dance nude in the rain, or see it has an event that ruins your clothing and you bundle up to stay dry. The rain doesn't care one way or the other. In a sad way, this is much like our fellow man, who could care less about those whose lives s/he impacts on his or her own way downwards. Your boyfriend, however, cares for you and is there for you. If he knows, he accepts you for who you are, and doesn't blame you for it.
Never give up on change. It may take a while, but like every storm, it will change. We just don't know if it is going to be for better or worse...until we live through that too, and can judge in hindsight. :)
Take the time to write a list of the things you love. You'd be surprised how much more powerful that list can be.
Hi ! I am 21 and hate just like you do It sucks to be so young and unable to function!!! People just think Im lazy and I realllllllly HATE that! But at the same time remember theres no where to go but up, and just like me you are still young and dealing with things early.