I hate my life

I am freaking out.1111My life is not my own. I can't make my life my own. My children keep drinking and getting high. They have so much going for them. I don't know how to get through this. How is everything I work for such a mess. Where has the love gone. I can't live like this anymore. I stay up all hours of the night making sure the last person goes to sleep and that they pick up there paraphernalia. I have to watch my belongings and pray no one gets hurt. I stress at work because I don't know what is going on in my house when I am not home. I worry they will never understand that this is killing me. I can't take it. We read, we cry, we go to counseling, we pray, what the hell else am I to do. OK, let it happen it's their choice; I know, but my babies are driving me crazy. I hate living like this. I need answers, I want it to stop. Who the hell buys these kids this stuff, how do they get it. why is this happening. It's getting worse everyday.

Sorry to hear so much going on. The kids can get it anywhere they want, it is as available as a candy bar.

We read, we cry, we go to counseling, we pray, what the hell else am I to do......have the kids been to any counseling? Have you brought any outside agency into the picture? Is there anyone that can help from the school? U did not mention school age. My mom called the police on my brothers when they were doing this. At least gets them in the system, may be an eye opener. You care, there are more options for you.

I don't have my usual clarity cause I'm in the middle of some mess right now, but I am up if you need to vent.

It's gonna be ok, you have other options.

Sending hope...

I know this now; I really flipped out that day; I didn’t show the craziness to my children, I shared more feelings here and in my journal than with them, because I needed to vent. Since 2003 my children and I have been in counseling, intensive therapy, and going through mental health treatment plans with the dept. of social services and the state hospitals. I couldn’t handle the alcohol and drug abuse anymore, I have found myself getting weaker and weaker at times because they seem to not understand that the affects are higher on me than them, in a way, they are completely destroying their lives. I know a nd see how well they can do and have so many up and downs that it has taken it’s toll on me. As far as the school system here, ha-ha; the high school has 200 students and a 37 graduate ratio a year. Pretty sad; since we are involved with the courts and so forth here, I am unable to just get up and leave. As far as age; I have 4 that are involved with this drug and alcohol situation. One is my oldest son 20, the other son 19, a daughter 17, and another son 15. I appreciate the hope you send; I don’t know what we have hope for any more, I hate being so negative, but for the 7 years of trying to give so much to my children to give them the hope of truly being loved, having security and being challenged enough to inspire them for something great that they may want to achieve, and so on…that’s where my frustration leads to , as much as it’s in front of me, I hate having to except the fact that they don’t want it. Where does that leave me. they are my babies. I can use some support in how I can get through.

Remember the serenity prayer...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

The courage to change the things I can...

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Yes, I know it's your kids. But maybe there is a rhyme and reason to their drinking and getting high. My oldest has gotten into that too. I've discovered though, that fighting it makes things worse. For the last 6 months I've been busting he and his friends doing it at my house when they thought I was sleeping but I woke up and discovered. I get pissed. They get pissed. Creates division. Dad does nothing. Am I to be the bad cop my myself? Worry myself silly and make drama with my worst case scenario fantasies as I alienate my kid?

I've recently decided to say "no" to this control freak method of operating. Instead I'm now sleeping peacefully through the night and having peace in my house and with my son the next morning. I'm letting my kid experiment with drink and drugs as I did every weekend of my high school years and still graduated Berkeley and became an elected official, etc, etc. Maybe his altered consciousness will turn out to be experimentation that comes to nothing as it does for most people, normies. (Though my intuition strongly says not in his case.) Whether it does or not, oldest son is 17 1/2 and I must increasingly support him in transitioning into making his own choices and living with the consequences that not me, but society awards, and will continue to do so for the rest of his life. And I shared with him that my experience is that this is how things work... I don't need to police you because the real world will eventually if you get too out of control. If and when that happens, I have already educated him on alcoholism/addiction so he knows the next steps on that path if that is where he finds himself someday.

So I experimented, he gets to too. (That's how addicts discover they're addicts after all.) Plus unlike me, he also has the advantage of being well educated on addiction, the signs etc and what to do about it if he is someday faced with that reality.

In the meantime, it's live and let live around here, as it should be as far as I'm concerned. And happy to report, is working just fine. In the meantime I count my blessings and expect all will eventually work out for the best. That is the best I can do and I am at peace with this -- my don't do it in front of me and I won't go out of my way to "bust" you, but do call me for a "no consequences" sober ride if you need one, policy.

Cheers!

I found out that my oldest had been drinking. As soon as she got off the school bus, I drove her up to the sheriff's department. Sound cruel? Probably, but I love her and will not allow it to become a problem for her like it did me. She hasn't drank since. Sometimes doing the best thing for our children will hurt, but in the end it is best for them. I would seek outside help with your situation. I will be praying for you!!

I have done that; many times. I have what I believe gone through more pain and anxiety than what they are at times. After 7 years of the dept of social services and counselors, psychiatrist, mental health institute, courts. I seem to have come to a point to where I have no more answers, I need support to keep going for myself, I just don’t know how to do it. Everything is for my children, always have been. I am a mother of 8 children; 5 girls 3 boys. 4 of them have the issues of alcohol and drugs. The other 4 are doing very well. Thank you for the prayers.

Hello- I am in the same boat as the original poster. It is also making me sick. I am a wreck. He is self destructing in fron ofme and no matter what I do I can't seem to help. He's almost 18 and is ruining his life. He has missed a lot of school and his grades are horrible. He was a straight A student years ago. He has lost all interest in his old hobbies. He has also become very aggressive and hurtful. I can not ask him a question without him jumping down my throat. He has even been smoking in his room. I hesitate saying anything because I am concerned with his response and part of me thinks that he is better off home and safe than on hte road high. I am a wreck and falling apart more by the minute.

Hi cr-sal.....I can relate to this when my son got into his teen years. Thankfully he isn't in the teen years anymore, but did he ever give me a run for my money. I was a single mom at the time and I had zero control of what was going on. Nothing I did worked, I'd lay down rules, and my son was doing exactly what he wanted to do regardless of what I said. I ended up getting him into a program with Crittenton Center for counseling and every morning I dropped him off there and then picked him up when I finished my day at work. I really couldn't come up with any other answer because he had been kicked out of school (temporarily), was smoking pot, filling the house full of kids while I was at work who had all skipped school, I'd drive home for lunch and my house was one big party. I felt like you do.....I was losing my marbles over it. The counseling did help, he still acted out sometimes after that, but not as often. I think a lot of it has to do with their age and the other part of the problem is exactly what rocksasamickguitar says....getting any kind of drug or alcohol is as easy as walking in to buy a candy bar.

The best thing you can do is get the kids into a counseling program and hope it helps them to realize they are making poor choices. The other thing that helped my son was getting him involved in sports, it kept him busier doing something fun that he enjoyed, versus thinking about partying all the time.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and having to worry so much. Been there, done that and it is exhausting. The good thing is there is a light at the end of the tunnel because most of the time the kids do change their ways as they grow up a little more. At least my son did, and I will definitely pray that your kids do too! Hang in there and let us know how you're doing. Sunshine!

hang in there bctsmom and cr-sal. we know what you are going through, cause we been there too. HealedbyFaith had good idea about the taking to the sheriff off the school bus. you may have to call on them when you know they are in there partying, and have the police come in first instead of you. Oh man I remember giving my ex's 12 year old a drug test cost $65 from walgreens. then he got caught stealing, and arrested, taken to juvy, and all that was only worth 2 points. they need 25 points on record to keep them. what are we supposed to do, never give up, that's what. never ever give up! put as much as needed in it now so they stop or it will only get worse. you have support on here, and local resources as well. USE THEM, use all available resources to aid you in this most valiant effort to bring your kids back to reality, and safety. You all can do it. Peace and Hope, John

You have inspired me the most, thank you! I just need my mind strength back to where it was so I can continue my fight.

dear cr-sal, boy can i ever understand have i been there and done that. my sons are all grown up now but they were teens three years apart and did the same thing to me with their friends in the house. refused to go to school, etc. it was hell. they trashed the house and my kitchen from time to time and i had to work to support us and i was a single parent. how i got through it i will never know.

what i did to keep my sanity was a couple of things. had a lock on my bedroom door. kept really good personal boundaries. kept going to counseling every and each opportunity i got. spoke out about the real issues whenever possible. went to church and got them to go whenever possible. ate well and rested often. went to my own doctor and took really good care of myself. i was a single parent too by the way.used all local resources available to me over and over. and i called the police when necessary. and i prayed my heart out.

it still is not over. twins have skitizophrenia and the eldest son is ten years military out now with ptsd and a bad back injury carrys one with his wife same pattern unfortunately. very painful.

my heart goes out to you cr, don't give up keep praying and God will give you fortitude and strength where we cannot. iwish you well and i mean it. keep posting and getting support online.thats the least we can do for you.

all my best with faith and hope this too will pass and they will grow up. your prayer warrior praying for you.

What a sweet and caring message you wrote to cr-sal, stanisz!! Everything you put out as suggestions and ideas of what may help, was really, really good!

Like I've already posted to cr-sal, I got put through the ringer too by my son when he was a teenager and I went through some seriously tough times and struggles with him for sure. The good thing is that we can pray and pray and pray some more, and it does get better because most "kids" grow up and come through it all and become upstanding citizens (that's what I tell my son when he is on his best adult behavior 8-).

The best thing you can do is keep your faith in God, keep praying, and believe, truly believe, this is a phase due to their age and it will pass!

I'll be praying for you too! Sunshine!

heale by faith i'm with you hun tough love time....here's the rules, here's the consequences all written out on paper so there was no misunderstanding.....bottom line follow the rules or find another place to live period. enough with the defiance did all the mental health bs and it did nothing. the tough love worked.....she moved out.....years later quess who lives in the addition to our home....she was forced by her choice to handle her own messes. has had the same job coming up 5 years now and is actually taking her first tiny big steps for her own recovery from her issues....oh and yeah she pays rent to

prayers cr=sal you do have other options honey

Hi cr-sal....I feel your pain...been there and done that with my son as you already know. Kathy is right, it sometimes does take trying the last ditch effort (which is the hardest)....tough love. I remember when my son was giving me such a hard time I got a huge foam board at a craft store, and I made a list of rules and what I would and would not put up with. I posted it on the wall he passed by most often....near the front door. He still broke some rules, but it did seem to help because exactly where was he going to live at 17-years-old and still in High School? When he got really, really mad about the "Rules Board" by the door, he'd finally snap, and off he'd go and disappear for days if he felt like it, while I was calling every hospital and police station out of fear he wasn't even alive because something awful had happened to him. Kids sure do know how to break our hearts, but that being said, keep praying and have faith that this situation will improve. And even if you don't feel it from the kids right now, believe me they do love you and wouldn't know what to do without us. Now my son, at the age of 29 with a toddler of his own has said, I was really hard on you mom and I'm sorry because I did treat you like ****. He did, but we love our kids no matter what they do.

I'll keep praying that your situation gets better and pray for God to give you the extra strength to get through this without feeling like you're losing your mind. Trust me, I thought I was going stark raving crazy during those times....but I'm still here and I don't think I'm crazy, maybe a little warped, but still sane!!!!!

Hugs to you and keep us updated on how you're doing, Sunshine!

Thank you so much for helping me realize that this is really all I can do; It is hard to accept, but I will try to gain some strength here. This is my last hope....I need some inner peace, it's tough. I really appreciate the prayers and support. As far as me; I have keeped some extra hours at work to keep me physically motivated. Mentally I am still in a cloud. The true story here is I am feeling like the victim. I watch my children go through the horror of ruining their lives. OK! But the ones that are juveniles; I have no choice to go through it with them still. The court and probational guidelines; it's taking it's toll on me. I need to be the encourager; and positive motivator....cant find it right now.
Thanks again everyone.
God Bless you all!

Ah, cr-sal, I wish you didn't have to feel so sad and discouraged!! It's okay, you're going through some really tough times and I know from experience, it does take a toll on good ol' mom. I'd tell you to take some "me" time and go out for an evening to dinner with a couple of girlfriends, but you're probably like I was when my son was giving me so much trouble....scared to death to not be home if I wasn't at work because God only knew what was going on if the "Hall Monitor" wasn't there!

Just to the best you can, and that's all you can do. The kids will get better, they're just at a very defiant age and so hard on parents when they're like that!! I'll keep saying prayers for you and the kids, if you need to vent, we're all right here so vent away!!! I'm sending you lots of hugs!!!! Sunshine!

The support group here has been amazing. I seem to receive emails with your encouragement just as I am ready to fall apart. My son is getting high all of the time. His teachers are emailing me and his grades have dropped from mid 90s to the low 40s. I am a wreck. There was a huge blow up in the house in March and my son left for months. He came back in May, but the relationship is so strained. I know if I try to insist he goes to counseling or rehab He will just leave again. If I say anything he jumps down my throat, it doesn't matter what the topic. My son has transformed into a rude, self centered kid with no goals. I feel like a failure. I can't sleep worrying about him, but can't say anything even if I know he is getting high. He does know that I do not approve, but he doesn't care. Please pray for my son as I will for you and your kids.

Anyway, I wanted to say thank you to all that have posted to this topic. You all have bolstered me when I needed it the most.

I have been attending AA meetings for 21 years now. My life is spiraling out of control. I quit with the pot and coke. I started doing pain pills. I have been on 5 or 6 antidepressants and was already turning to a prescription for a peace of mind, so taking a pill didn't seem like I was cheating on my program. Pain pills don't make you high like drinking and smoking pot so there is an illusion of control. In a short time your hooked and the doctor only giving you like 5 or 6 for the whole week.

I was doing it right for almost three years and one day I just got stressed out and meditation wasn't cutting it anymore. Don't take Xanax or anything with codeine in it with addictive properties or you will understand exactly what your children are going through.

We have created a world that everyone wants to escape from instead of coping. Growing old is easier than growing up. I feel like I'm taking vitamins. People are making lots of money off this little game. It means perhaps that I am week or a bad person because I rely on a chemical.

dear bctsmom and cr-sal, i want to say again for the benefit of mom that i did go through this with my sons and to remember that these "children" make their choices. we can model and set boundaries within the context of the laws that govern our parenting rights and responsibilities. i also reccommending finding a parental support group. that really helped me a alot when i was going through it. you moms are saints and this too shall pass and your young adults will face adulthood sooner or later with these choices on their shoulders not yours and will have you to thank for holding steady and role modeling the correct way to go. keep maintaing and praying for them and pray outloud in their presence, i did it and it does make an impression.

all my faith in our Great God who can set all things right and hope in your families recovery and maintainance, with loving kindness, a prayer warrior who will be praying for you.

I wanted to say I have not taken a drink in over 21 years. Some people would say that I have lapsed in my recovery just because I have not started back on my drug of choice. I just changed my drug of choice over the years and I am still chasing the same high. I studied Buddhism for a couple of years and had a few road blocks of indifference that stood in the way of progress. Abandoning God and the self are almost fundamentals. Its really hard to leave behind all your attachments to the world. Trying to discover who and what to pray to and what one whats to receive.

The Dali Lama said we don't have to let go of God to study Buddhism. WE don't stop being and addict, or a Christian, or loose our identity. I don't have a child of my own, which doesn't mean I have never loved one. I'm guessing whether I ever felt loved before. I suspect that I have at some point. I want to be sober enough to operate my vehicle which is all the time. I would also like to earn a living which is beside the point.

If there is a God a don't think he created me in his graces and I know the authorities have much more power than me. Prisons are run by private cooperation and I'm saving the tax payers money by staying out of jail. so I have a noble purpose in life. I don't have to practice the dharma. They are spending a fraction on my living expenses. I can't help the fact that I have low energy and depression. I was born this way and staying off the alcohol is a full time job for me.

I hope I may have help someone struggling with a guilty conscientious.