I hate this

Today, for the first time in years I ate an 'unsafe' food. I freaked out eating it, and was shaking. I can't do this. I stepped on the scale this morning and gained a pound then I went and ate that food at lunch! I'm a failure.

I can't gain weight, I just can't. I will kill myself if I ever gain more than 5 pounds.

I hope that you can find some real world support. Recovery is hard and painful but it is worth it.