Okay, here is my story. I met my partner about 7 and a half years ago, and we seemed to get on pretty well to begin with, but then a drunken night out, and a pregnancy test later, and we discovered we were going to have a son. She decided to keep it, and i have supported her all the way through, and live with her, as a partner does. As a result, our relationship, getting to know you phase, kind of got put on the back burner. Over the years, we have trundled along, but we have never really talked, and i have to say the intimacy was gone. Well 9 months ago, i started having an affair with someone down the local gym. She was chatty, really liked me, was fun, had same interests, and i loved the attention. Well as the months went by, i realised i had made a mistake, i was substituting her emotions, for what my partner wasnt giving me. This year, her personality really changed. She was threatening to tell my partner, then she would say sorry. She would send hurtful texts, like want to come over for coffee, but no sex, so guess your not coming over now, even though we had coffee only days before. I was soon becoming a nervous wreck, living in fear of her. Constantly trying to say the right thing, keep up with her mood swings. It all came to a head though about a week ago. The guilt was getting worse every day, about the affair, and i was crying a lot. She decided to end it, we hugged, we left, then she sent this text saying, i bet you will go off, and sleep with other women now, thats the type of guy you are. Your just a liar. At that moment i decided to tell my partner, i had to come clean. Her reaction was really bad, she was so upset, as you would expect. She is staying with me, but now i am the one doing all the crying. All the trauma, the emotions, the lies, the horror at some of her texts, had left me traumatised. I cry 3 to 4 times a day, have started on anti depressants, have started counselling. I get panic attacks. I am not eating. Can barely do anything. I have to be strong for my partner though, and my little boy. It is really hard though. I live in fear of this woman turning up though. I think my question out there, is this. I am truly remourseful. Has anyone else been in this kind of position? Can me and my partner truly survive all this? Will this pain go away at some point? Its only early days i know, and my partner keeps telling me to forgive myself a little, but i keep feeling her pain, and my guilt. It is overwhelming at times. I am not trying to justify my actions here. What i did was wrong, but i am not a bad person really. I just got lost.
I am currently recovering form an affair, it has been very ruff.
But you did the best thing for your partner, you came clean.
It will get better, just remember to be truthful always. This is the first step of healing for both of you. She will trust and love you again but it will take time.
You need to let all your emotions flow, do not hold them in. Keep all lines of communication open, but set aside time for the two of you, and say okay this is our fun time together and do not talk about the affair during this time.
You have the uper hand, you told your partner, change your cell number and gym. Show you partner that you are doing anything you can not to run into her. If she contacts you again, do not be mean, but to the point. Tell her you have told your partner, and that if she continues to bully you that she will leave you now choice but to contact the authorities.
I hope you are going to counceling together.
Why are you afraid of the woman turning up? You already told your partner... she really has nothing on you at this point.
I also had an affair (I'm a woman) but i ended up leaving my parnter after a year of it. I went for counseling during that time and was told something that stuck with me (although I already knew it, it was just nice to hear it from someone else).
Happy people do not have affairs. An affair is a symptom of a bad relationship, not the cause of it.
My partner and I never could have worked things out for other reasons, not the affair. I think it's great that you are trying to work things out with yours, but I agree with her that you need to stop blaming yourself so much. It's not about where we've been in life, it's about where we are going. What matters most now is how you handle the present - what matters is how you are going to fix your relationship and make it a functional one.