I have been feeling really anxious about my weight recently

I have been feeling really anxious about my weight recently and wondering if I have an ED. I am currently on a weight gain journey because my doctor diagnosed me with currently being an uhealthy weight and bmi for my height in May 2020. I tried off and on to follow peoples youtube advice and it did not work due to feeling stressed out or depressed so by December I relapsed into my old unhealthy eating habits. After a few days of doing so I figured I cant continue to do these things to my body and I booked an apointment and went to a dietitican in late December and she gave me a meal plan on the 21st to follow.
The first week I tried it and I was excited at first however it faded away as I found it difficult to eat each meal on time and I put so much pressure on myself to eat and meal prep on time that I didnt even want to do it anymore. I had an anxiety attack because of those feelings and tried to ease myself into taking things slowly this week. This week it felt like I didnt care and due to the pandemic it heightened stress and I was scared about the circumstances in my country . Because of all that happened I feel like I failed myself and I dont know what to do.
I feel so down about it today because I really want to gain weight yet I feel so scared to do so because its a huge change for me and I dont know if i would feel comfortable about gaining.
In the past when i did gain weight and it was noticeable i would be really anxious about it and I wanted it to go away because i thought i was fat when I wasnt. I was also raised by a narc mom that often shamed me about my body and got angry if i did want to gain weight and I would feel insecure about my body. She influenced how I saw my body as I grew up.
I examined how I felt currently and past actions towards my weight I realised it was unhealthy and I really should tell someone about it. I see my dietitian on the 22nd and I think I should tell them about these feelings.

You should absolutely share this information at your next appointment. What your mother did to you, was absolutely wrong. It's terrible that you've had to encounter that negativity for so long. It sounds like there are 2 things going on.

1. Is body dysmorphia. That basically means that the what you see is not reality, hence why you see yourself bigger than you are.

2. ED, which it sounds most likely that you are anorexic, and starving yourself. This is very dangerous.

Hopefully, you'll get the help that you need to battle these 2 disorders. You're not alone. Sending ((((hugs))))

@Justwanttobeloved thank you for your reply. I will let my dietitian know about what is going on in my next apointment. Your answer gave me clarity on what is going on.