I have been struggling with porn addiction for years at this

I have been struggling with porn addiction for years at this point. I started exploring pornography at the age of 9 or 10 when a friend from school showed me some things online. Since that moment I have been on a binge purge cycle of pornography for literal years. I was in elementary school when I started and I am now nearly 30 years old. I have a wife who is somewhat aware that pornography is a struggle for me but she does not know the extent to which it has consumed my life and identity. I hate myself for being addicted and I am so ashamed of myself. I fear what my wife may think or do if she were to find out how bad the addiction is, but I know she needs to know. I want to stop but it truly feels like that will never happen. I grew up in a conservative home and was raised with many expectations and no communication about what sex is or isnt for that matter. I have not one clue as to how to go about being free, because I dont think I have ever experienced freedom. I don't know if I can do this honestly.

first off congrats on making the decision to work on being a better you. Yes it is a bad cycle that one can fall into regarding porn. I know i did. years also and it was not easy to get out for myself. Have you thought about a therapist at all? or look at the root cause of things and why? have you tried talking with wife about some of the things you mentioned here? the expectations around sex? How you are supposed to be sharing with each other things regarding your things you enjoy for sex?

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@Griz75I am currently seeing a therapist. I have been honest with her about my porn addiction and dilemma of my wife knowing only part of the truth. Her opinion is that I can be free from addiction but should not tell my wife, (I did not get to ask her why she felt this way) I have observed and analyzed my past a great deal and while I have learned some things from it I still run to porn. It is so frustrating. I really am at a loss of how to get better.

This is going to be a lot. I was shown porn by an abuser when I was 9. I have had the worst porn addiction I know of. It was so bad in my car rides to and from work. I was married I have 4 kids, and I am 35. It wasn't til porn wasn't enough any more to numb it, and then I went on a spiral that could have taken everything that means anything to me. Luckily my wife has stuck by my side in trying to over come. I am now 1 year 4 and a half months with out it. It is something you can do and hiding it, there will come a point where it isn't manageable anymore. Therapy and wanting to better has made all the difference for me. Be honest and hopefully she will support you through it. If not it's a hard fulking road bro. Not to say that it isn't hard where you are, I'm saying it gets harder the longer, they're lies, the more you need it.

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@Askh Congratulations on making it 1 year and 4 and a half months, that truly is amazing. I am scared of things escalating from porn to something else for me. I dont want to lose my wife or kid.

Its never the wrong time to do better, I like that. I really don't want to wait for me to hit rock bottom for things to change for the better. I feel foolish honestly because I think part of me is willing to admit I have a problem with porn and yet I still feel as if I have things under control somehow. It is a recipe for disaster and failure.

@SAM_31934 yep that is how it works. We feel like we’ve got this, we can live two different lives and be happy in both. Also we convince we won’t hurt our wives, but we are they just don’t know it yet. Keep pushing man, we are all in this.