I don't think anyone will be able to understand.
I love my wife and kids. We have a good house and garden.
But my history is a mess. My childhood was a mess.
My wife is the safest person I could imagine. That is why I chose her 20 years ago. That is why I agreed to buy a house and have kids, because it all seemed safe and 'normal'.
Now I am no longer afraid to be alone, no longer afraid to accept what I really need, but I dislike this family life I have built.
How is this possible!? I don't understand myself.
Even after so many years of therapy I suddenly find myself in this position and I don't understand.
I don't even know if I will ever be able to have a relationship with anyone else.
I don't believe anymore that I can handle a relationship. I probably always give up most of my needs in favour of my partner.
I don't want to hurt my wife and kids, but I am hurting myself by staying with them.
This is hell.
I would run to the other side of the world if I could, but I don't want to hurt my kids more than absolutely necessary. So I cannot do that. Divorce seems the most reasonable, yet not reasonable at all.
This is hell.
i suggest you watch the movie Fireproof. it may help you to get through this.
What you are describing sounds exactly like what my wife told me as she left.
Her leaving came as a complete shock to me, but after talking about it with each other and a counselor, I began to see that even though I was in a perfect marriage, she was not. She was happy, loved me, loved what we had built, but there was something missing. It wasn't until she developed a strong group of female friends that she was able to tell me that she had to leave.
It's not about being with someone else (she thinks she will date, but doesn't feel she can ever live with someone again)..it's not about not loving me (she loves me, but as a great friend, not someone she wants to be with at the expense of her own happiness)...and it's not about resenting her current life.
She knows that what she is doing right now is not making her happy, that's all. The longer she stays and the longer she just does "what she's supposed to do- stay married" the more she resents me and everything between us.
I love her to death and desperately want her back, but I know she will not find happiness until she is gone.
Don't know if that helps, but at least understand that other people are going through what you are AND other people are going through what your wife will go through...and with proper communication you can give her what she needs to get through it.
powvix420
this is amazing
I still don't understand it myself, can't believe it myself.
But it is good to know other people in similar situation exist
Amazing!
I feel sorry for you and your wife
It is terrible.
How do friends and family react?
My family (and friends) are in disbelief. There were never any signs of problems and I never said anything but glowing, positive things about my wife. It hit my mother especially hard as she truly loves my wife- at times I think it's hurt her more, actually.
Most friends go between anger (at her doing this 'out of the blue' after 7 years) and concern (she must have a brain tumor or be bi-polar).
The number one reaction by far is that it 'just doesn't make sense' (that's often my feeling as well).
So far she has been unable to tell her family the truth, due to their strong religion and feeling that once you are married you stay married. Her family believes that we are going through a rough patch and she has moved out for awhile. I doubt they will ever know the truth.
The best thing for you to do, In my humble opinion, is be honest and consistent- that has helped me deal with it. My wife told me from day one that she needed to move out and that her love for me had changed and she could no longer live like this. She then did everything she could to help me through it (counseling, spending the night with me, staying at the house, whatever). Expect her to be upset, ask you to leave, etc, etc.
It's difficult, but I am slowly accepting that my wife cares for me deeply, but cannot spend the rest of her life living with me...and the longer she stays the more resentment builds within her. Slowly you realize that the person you built your life with was only 90% of the total person, and while that 90% was seemingly happy, the other 10% was miserable.
It helps me to know that other people feel the same way as my wife. Message boards like this are FILLED with stories of abuse, infidelity, financial struggles, married too young, etc, etc, etc. Very seldomly do you hear of couples that had a positive marriage (to the outside world and one of the spouses), but still couldn't last.
Thank you powvix420, this sort of first hand information is invaluable to me ...
y.
That was my relationship to, My husband didnt want a divorce but I needed something more. So I divorced him. Sometimes even after almost a year not real sure it was the right thing to do. But I wasnt happy in the relationship I needed to get out of it, but I cant say I am happy now either.
galya, I wonder what is worse, to feel alone on your own or to feel alone in a relationship? I often feel so alone in my relationship that I want to run away. But I am really not sure if the part that feels alone can get connected anyway. I am afraid that I will end up even more lonely than before.
It is so strange ... lately we make more love than ever, and more passionate. I just don't understand ...
hey i understand. I've suffered with the same exact problem for a very long time. i don't know anything about your past, but i do know that my past has a lot to do with this. with my issue, I've had to work on me. i am a recovering addict, and alcoholic. I've been to a treatment center for drugs twice, i go to AA, and Na meetings regularly, and I've recently found an SA meeting that I'm going to get involved in. my whole life, I've sought after things that would make me feel better, because I've never truly been happy with myself. I've blamed every thing in life for my unhappiness. including my beautiful wife and two amazing kids. I've listened to what family members have had to offer, and friends. its been difficult for me realizing that none of them could relate. for me personally its had a lot to do with pornography addiction. that's been my way of finding gratification in a woman. but that's just a small part of it. I've learned so much through my counseling at treatment, and from going to groups and talking with people with the same struggles. its been an amazing process of self discovery. you're definitely not alone. i know where you are. Divorce is not the answer. you and i in this struggle are trapped in self seeking mode. the key is to find out whats truly going on inside. it was a tough thing for me, but i eventually talked with my wife about this problem, and since then, there has been great relief. it was difficult for her to hear this, but by me acknowledging my struggles and not hiding them in the dark, I've been able to work with them. i hope this message has been helpful to you. i encourage you to be brutally honest with yourself and your wife about what is happening inside of you right now. our shame and our guilt will hold us back for as long as we allow it to. i do believe that being honest is quite simply the answer you're looking for.
Wow....Im going through this exact thing right now. All I have ever dreamed of my entire life was being a mommy and having a good marriage and a nice house and cars etc...and now that I have it all Im not happy. I have fallen out of love with my husband and best friend, and the father of our two beautiful daughters. All I want right now is to start a new life on my own with my girls, and be a happy single mom....I want to start new and fresh and of course my husband is always going to be there in our lives, but right now I want a life w/o him. Im willing to give all this luxury up to be in a small house with just me and my girls. Strangely everyone gets it and supports me but my husband of course because I am shattering his world....
Powvix-That sounds like my husbands reason for leaving. He was unhappy with our marriage and felt he would not be happy staying in it. He says he feels we can get along better not married. He cares about me, is friendly, his family is friendly, he helps me with my house and such. Our marriage is over, but we still have 2 kids to raise together, and our own lives to live.
Yearning-whatever you do, continue to keep the kids needs first and foremost. Work with your wife to minimize the stress on them. Consider what will make them most comfortable, be flexible, and establish some continuity between homes if you do move out. Like powvix said, even tho you may be friendly she may react with anger. I did at first even though he would like to be a friend. Now seeing how important it is to my kids, we are friendly, and can probably say we continue to be friends. I feel the kids do benefit from this. They understand we will not be getting back together, but are able to have us both and not feel torn between us
I know how you feel, although I probabally came to my decision diffrently than you. It is torture to me to know that I built this life, now I want out of it. I am hurting my children. It is hell. But it can only get better right? I hope so