I have just reached menopause and now all hope is gone of ever having a child

I am 45 years old and every month I would pray that this would be the month I would have a miracle and be pregnant. So everytime I would get my period, I would be sad but at least I still had hope. This month, no period, no pregnancy. I know I have been going through premenopause because my periods had changed. But as long as I had a period, I had hope. Now that hope is gone. I have a husband who has 2 children from a previous marriage and they are very close to their mother. Every time I hear them yell "dad" it hurts me because he cannot understand how I feel. He will tell me that I can be as much a part of their lives as I want but I can't be their mother. Now that all my hopes are gone, I look back on my life and think what a waste. My husband is not okay with adoption. He cannot understand my pain. I also have a fear of growing old and no one to help me. My mother lives with me and goes off to visit my neices and nephews that live in other states. I feel as the other women do that it hurts to see so much, all the women with their children and hearing them call them "mom". How I have longed to hear that. Mother's day is the hardest day of the year. I hate it. And then Father's day when my step children plan so much for my husband. As I was crying last night at my lose of hope, my husband just said "well, I just want my wife back". He just does not understand. I pray that God will take me soon because I have been living with this pain of not having children for so long and now no more hope. I see all these stories about women killing their children and I wonder why God blessed them with such a gift and not me. I don't know where to turn so I found this group and I hope that it will help me and other women to know that they are not alone.

I am so sorry to hear your story. I think if you really truly feel that you want God to take you soon because you can't have kids, there is a deep problem there, one that needs to be discussed in person with a professional. I am having a hard time getting pregnant and I talked to a therapist and she helped me a lot when it came to seeing things in perspective. Husbands are great, but you're right in saying that they DON'T understand. I felt that my husband might start resenting me if I kept complaining to him and it would cause marital problems, so talking to a therapist helped me a ton. I may also suggest that you get your husband to talk to someone about his stance on adoption. Your feelings are as valid as his, and he needs to respect that. I'm sending prayers your way that you feel better about your situation and that your family can support you and get you through this hard time.

Thank you ergriffin, I decided today to go to a walk in clinic (we have no insurance). I did another pregnancy test that came out negative so I decided I needed to go to a professional to do blood test and to tell me what I need to do next. I have complained about aches and pains to my husband and he thinks I am a hypochondriate (sp?) It has put a strain on our marriage but he doesn’t understand that menopause is a condition that may last years and then the cessation of mensas for a woman with no children (and some with) is a huge change in how we view outselves. Thank you for answering my plea (and prayers) and I hope the best for you in your struggle. My mom is the only one who has given me support through all of this.

Also, I feel if I was married to a man that had no children that wanted children, we would have adopted and at least our walk would have been one together instead of me walking alone through this (except for God and my mom).

It sounds like you are really starting to maybe resent your husband- is that strain just because of the kids or is there a deeper issue there that needs to be worked out? I don't mean to be too personal, and please feel free to not respond if I am. Do you think he would be open to counseling?

Good for you for going to the clinic. If nothing else, it's somewhere you can find a doctor or friend to talk to about what's going on in your life. Though I haven't been through menopause, I've seen women who are and I know that your emotions are up and down constantly. That can't be making things easier for you.

Do NOT feel guilty for being upset. People who have kids will not understand what it is like to want one and not have one. Not to sound like a broken record, but I would really see if you can get your husband to go see a professional with you.

I think I do resent him a little and I believe he wold go to counseling to save our marriage but he won't give on the adoption.

I think I may also be in denial because I have been taking a pregnancy test everyday. And searching the internet as to why you could miss a period and have a negative result. Deep down I know that I am finished with that part of my life but I really have gone into a denial. You did help me though to put a label on my feelings about my husband. I really do need to work on that. I really do love him and his kids. There is nothing in the world that I would not do for them, I guess I am a little jealous but I don't let that keep my husband from being a good father. I know how important it is to have a good relationship with your father because I did not have that until late in life and now my father has passed away and I miss him very much.

I'm going to keep praying that you find peace and comfort through your situation. Keep the faith! You never know- maybe one day he will open up to the idea of adoption... or even foster care maybe.

Thank you

Please know that there is always hope. I tried for 8 long years to get pregnant. Iave is a feeling of deep empty lonely
darkness.
My pain ended in Sept 93. By some “miracle” I got pregnant.
I had a beautiful perfect baby boy. Who is 16 years old now & lives with his Dad. :frowning: So my feeling of “loss” is back.
Have you thought of invetro? My younger brother & his wife took this path. They had twins last year.
I totally understand wanting to have your own. I also know the feeling of watching other women get pregnant w/out a second thought. If you ever want to chat…I am available to listen. Good Luck. Please don’t give up.

:slight_smile:
D

It's okay to feel jealous, winterblues. I think egriffin is right on target about the importance of dealing with the underlying issues. But jealous feelings are normal and understandable. What's incomprehensible to me is how your husband would be so adamantly opposed to adoption, while at the same time suggesting that you could assuage your own needs by being "involved" with his kids. Of course you can be a great step-parent -- but that's a different role. He must realize that his kids would resent involvement that they deemed intrusive, no matter how loving or well meant on your part. I'm sort of glad you think he'd be amenable to counseling. (Sorry if that sounds hard on him, but I just don't get it. Unless there's something I'm missing, it seems very unfair.)
Whatever happens, you deserve someone to talk to who understands. Menopause is a tough transition for many women. Our culture views women through such a skewed prism. As very young women were valued as appetizing. As mothers we're appreciated and respected in varying degrees -- usually on the woefully inadequate side of the scale, almost never given the support we need. But in the third stage of our lives, at what should be a fullfilling time, when we have much richer life experience to share, finely honed skills, a harvest of expertise -- we're often invisible. Especially if we've not been parents. Think of it, what roles come to mind for women at that age? other than "some adult's mother" or "somebody's grandmother"? Nobody looks at a woman much past 45 and automatically thinks: Entreauprenuer, Tycoon, Poet, Artist, Community Leader or Priest. A man into his 70's can be fondly thought of as a "PlayBoy". There is no counterpart "PlayGIRL". Lacking an appealing generic stereo-type - women can feel "adrift" in the post "bio-clock years" -- lacking positive ideas or dreams of who we want to be, now and later on.
But you're coming into a time when you're more qualified than ever to be a top-level consultant of whatever you love to do. Unless you've got a zillion scatterd passions -- In which case you're a renaissance-gal. ('~') Either way, you deserve to be having an awesome life. And if you should want to raise a child, give one the benefit of your gifts and talents - by making a home for them and committing to their journey -- if that's a priority for you, then you should take it seriously. Don't miss out just because your husband has other thoughts. As you work through your feelings in therapy, it will become easier to explore the issue with him. I don't mean to dismiss the biological aspect of parenthood, but as you've pointed out, however cruel it may seem, lots of women & girls can become pregnant. That doesn't at all mean that they can be descent mothers. Ultimately, It's love and committment that makes you a family, not amniotic fluid. Your hubby can probably come to understand that. If not, there is no law that says you have to stay married to adopt.
I wish you the best, and pray that your heartache eases as you go through your therapy. But even if, at first, feel even slightly more overwhelmed or sad -- know that that's normal. Hang in. It takes the time that it takes. And you're worth it.
Take good care,
em

Hi winterblues
I too am married to a man who has children to a previous marriage but I am unable to have children. It is soul destroying when his children make him so happy but I can't. I have not met anyone in my situation before so i am glad I have read your post. If we could have been in the same situation, both without children, we could at least share that pain, but when they already have children they don't understand. Our marriage is on the edge and I just want to be the most important woman in his life.

Don't give up. I became a mother at 60. My husband and I adopted an older child from the Department of Children's Services.

I argued with my husband, and put him first, for twenty years. Finally, I had it! I told him I was going to adopt a child and he could choose to be a part of it or not...his decision.

Decide what you really want out of life and go for it! Good luck to you and my heart goes out to you!!!

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. Im also sorry that your husband doesn't understand the pain that you are going through. I was pregnant for the first time this year and just 4 weeks ago I lost the baby. I was 6 1/2 months pregnant with a little girl. My boyfriend left me when i was two months pregnant and didnt show up to the hospital or go to her funeral. Tore me apart. Like you I question myself why do all these women that beat or kill their children have no problems but i lost mine. There are no answers to these questions. Since then I have been so depressed and can't help but think what if i cant ever have children? I know our situation arn't the same but i can relate in some way. Hope things start to look up for you soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers.