I have not been diagnosed with BPD but I relate to most of t

I have not been diagnosed with BPD but I relate to most of the symptoms. My moods change constantly and so does the way in which I view people close to me. I fear opening up to people in fear that they'll abandon me, I can never truly be myself. I thought that I had gotten better at handling my depression but then I started drinking again and when drunk I began to have the same violent outburst that I had in the past while sober. I drink with one of my guy friends and his friends and when I'm drunk I have an overwhelming urge to cry and be held. I realize that these are feelings I have repressed while sober. and now that they have come out in public it has caused me a lot of anxiety. My past haunts me constantly, especially my past relationships, every fling or relationship I've had has been short and intense but has left me hurt. I want to be held by someone but I'm scared of having a relationship for fear that it won't turn out well. I have been to therapy before and it has helped me become more self-aware, but I'm hesitant to seek help again because that indicates to me that I'm right back to where I started. That all of my improvement has been in vain and that I am still full of self hatred. In this past month I haven't slept, can't focus on school, I'm constantly over thinking and psychoanalyzing myself, and above all I've become obsessive again. In just this past month I have developed feelings for two of my friends just because they have showed me affection, (I am a bisexual girl btw) one guy friend of mine saw my vulnerable side while intoxicated, he stayed with me until I sobered up. I cried on his shoulder and told him all my problems, and he listened. I had never been attracted to him prior that, but when I woke up the morning after I had such strong feelings for him. I began crying in my room and panicking because I was worried that he would never talk to me again or hate me because he saw that side of me. Before spilling my feelings out he would make comments such as "I like her, she's badass" or would compliment me on any clever joke I would make. I remember that he gave me good advice while I cried, but there's one comment that bothered me, he had also told me that I was simply a shy girl trying to be tough, and that hurt me because that's not the way I want to be perceived by people. I have a tendency to put people on pedestals and knock them down, but I don't think I've done that with him. I did however stopped having these intense feelings and stopped obsessing over him in a matter of 3 weeks. Now I have feelings for another friend, who is also bisexual. She also suffers from anxiety like I do. The thing is that I know I can't like her, because she tells me that she hates the idea of relationships. She doesn't know that I've developed these feelings for her, and I don't want her to know because she is someone that I like spending time with and at this point I don't even know if I can trust my feelings anymore simply because they change so constantly. I know I care for her and that I'm attracted to her but I don't want a relationship because relationships in general give me anxiety. As soon as I enter a relationship; I feel as if I have to be extremely attractive in order to deserve the person that I'm with, I'll work out more and be choosy with my clothes and makeup, I'm also possessive; I'll feel insecure when my partner talks to someone who is more attractive than I am. Mostly I'm just invaded with insecurity and paranoia, and that just discourages me from being in a relationship. The problem with that is that I'm currently in need of affection.

I'm sorry if this post is all over the place, I promise I'm doing my best to be clear here. At this point, I have no idea where to go from here. I don't know if I should go to therapy again, get a diagnosis, and see if I'm truly BPD or if these symptoms indicate to something else. I constantly have identity disturbances, I feel like I only morph into what people expect me to be. It sounds embarassing but at my age (19) I still wish I had qualities that some tv show characters I like have. I try to change so many aspects of my personality that it leaves others around me confused. If that's not bpd, then i don't know what is.

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Hi and welcome to the group!

most people have the traits of BPD and some docs are afraid to Dx it (stigma and all that), but we welcome you here to vent, chat, and express any questions or feelings you have. we support one another, no matter diagnosed or not

*hugs*

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Hello @serendipityiswanted and welcome to the BPD group. Thank you for letting us know about you and how you are feeling. You mentioned whether you wondered if it would be a good idea to be in therapy again and I can't help but think it would be a good idea, not just to get a diagnosis, but to get help sorting through the issues that you brought up in your post. Thank you for posting that and looking forward to hearing more from you. I am the moderator of the group and I want to say I am glad you are here........Kisobel

@np01 @kisobel thank you both for the support

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