I have recently found out my husband of 21 years and father to our seven children has been unfaithful for the third time in our marriage and a month after losing my mother. It was with a work colleague whom he still works with. Although he is now back with me I feel like he isn't , I am totally heartbroken and don't know where to turn - advice please
3 Hearts
I am.so sorry to hear that. This is not your first time beinh cheated on. How did u survive the other cheating. How did u know he is cheating again. I am sorry... u have been married so long and have all these beautiful kids and he still do it?
1 Heart
He confessed to me me he had , but not sure if he only did as the OW husband found out. I didn't suspect it this time my 19yr old daughter did. It was easier the other times they lived further away and he didn't work with them. Gaining trust back took forever. Worst thing is he said his not sure if it won't happen again but he loves me
1 Heart
@Totallybroken
So sorry for your heartache and what your going through. How can he say he isn’t sure if it won’t happen again? You have to take care of yourself…this man took vows with you!
All he says is that he can't guarantee he won't cheat again and he doesn't want to hurt me!! All I want is for him to say how sorry he is and he don't want to lose me. I feel such a mug and stupid for still loving him
1 Heart
Could he be a sex addict? maybe couples therapy would help you understand what motivates this guy?
1 Heart
I am so sorry. Heartbreaking for you. How much are you willing to take? He should be remourseful. But it sounds like he is too selfish and is his own worst enemy. He says he loves you but he does not show it. He needs counseling to try to find out why he is doing this. Do you think he will go? Have you thought about counseling for yourself? I wish I had the magic words to take all this pain away. Please take care of yourself. Post often if it helps you. I would think if he cannot reassure you that he will not cheat again, you might be better off seperating. Hope you don't mind I am praying for your family. Sending you hope, strength, ((hugs)). God's peace.
2 Hearts
I am praying for you and your peace.
1 Heart
Thank you - limboland - he isnt he basically says he gets close to someone as a friend and once they start trusting him with their secrets - his in too deep - there's no love for the other women . He says its just sex. Teeny Bikini he won't do counselling - I've asked. In a weird way he loves me - I know I should leave him but I also know I love him . Basically I am going to get hurt either way - stay and he might cheat or leave and I hurt because I've lost the man whom I have loved for nearly 25 years . Thank you for your prayers
1 Heart
so sorry, i know your heart is breaking. Infidelity is so cruel. Pleased don't fall into the trap of feeling hubby has a sex addiction and needs your "help." If hubby has no true remorse or empathy for your pain, please read up on narcissism. It really opened my eyes and helped my make the toughest choices.
2 Hearts
Get rid of him. It's what your head's been telling you for years probably. It'll be one of the hardest things you've ever had to do but you'll eventually thank yourself. The marriage the two of you share is completely one sided if he's done this three times now. I'm not trying to be a **** but the pain he is causing you is probably consuming your life, which isn't fair. The signs are all there; he's a repeat cheater, he isn't willing to seek help, and it sounds like he's got a problem. By all means try to get him the help that he needs, for your childrens' sake. But don't let him ruin your life any longer. My wife and I are going to counselling right now because she had a brief affair three weeks ago. I told her I'd forgive her once, just once. I also told her that I haven't made up my mind yet as to whether or not I want to stay with her. Believe me, I feel your pain. We cannot trust them, and when we do something strange will occur and break our trust down again. How long are we going to sit here and let them rule our lives and our feelings? I'm a bit frustrated with couples counselling as well. Its geared towards moving forward but its way too nice, if you will. There is blame in these circumstances and it needs to be accepted by the appropriate person. Trust is so hard to give back to someone who has hurt you. You are much stronger than I am, I could not have held out for so long. I'm sure the rest of your family sees that as well. Like I said, if he's got a legitimate mental health issue that is causing him to do this then it would be more than kind, and frankly above and beyond, for you to try to get him the help he needs. But its up to you whether or not your heart can continue to be battered like this. The grass may not always be greener on the other side, but there is grass over there, and we're all walking on it together in this blog. Reading posts like these help me in my situation. So hopefully reading mine will help you as well. This is just my opinion. It would be inappropriate for me or anyone else to judge whatever decision you make. I just hope you can continue to find sources of strength.
2 Hearts
Dkg2002 - thank you - I don't think its an addiction I think he generally don't think - just puts his **** first. Lsatyd thank you for your post - I agree it helps reading others comments. I want him to go counselling but he just seems to think it won't work. I would give anything not to have him cheat again the last affair was 15 years ago - so you can imagine it was like a bilt out of the blue, this time. I just want reassurance from him that I'm what he wants and it's not a case of him being here as he has no where else
1 Heart
Out of every sentence you've written in this blog, that I've seen at least, there are three things that have stuck out to me:
1. You've got seven kids together
2. He's cheated three times
3. "I just want reassurance from him that I'm what he wants and it's not a case of him being here as he has no where else".
Your children, no matter what their age, want to see you happy, vibrant, and full of life. If they are old enough to understand the situation, which I'm assuming most of them are, they know you need to do what you need to do. If they are to young to understand the situation, they will understand one day that their mother did what was best for them and her. They will respect you for that. I had a hard time with my parents divorce but at the end of the day it made sense and I'm happy they made that decision.
I already gave my opinion on the cheating three times thing. It's like GW said "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice (short pause), well you won't be fooling me a second time". Something like that. Had to bring a little humor to this.
Finally, you want reassurance from him, that's understandable. But right now the only reassurance you've got is that he'll be cheating on you again. He probably does want you, but he also wants others. He's proven that. We all make mistakes, I get that. But we cannot get free passes for the same mistake over and over again. I say free pass but in reality there is no such thing. It is free to them but it costs us a great deal. It costs us sleepless nights, anguish, paranoia, loss of appetite, weight loss, mental fatigue, reduced performance in all aspects of life, and last but not least, it costs us our hearts. For us to forgive them, which like I said before, I have done, we've already paid a great price. They've run up a huge tab against us, and they better pay it or we'll move on.
2 Hearts