I have so many ups and downs and it is seriously so frustrating. I'll have a period of 2 good days, but then right after something will cause me to spike. It's almost like my mind is like "oh you had a good few days huh? Sorry I'm about to ruin that all over again" yesterday my HOCD brain was doing everything it could to convince me that I actually wanted this to happen to me and that I like it and it scared the **** out of me. IVE BEEN STRAIGHT MY ENTIRE LIFE I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED BOYS I WANT A HUSBAND TO GROW OLD WITH. Whenever I try to imagine my life in 10 years the way I used to, I always automatically envision having a husband but all of a sudden an image of an attractive girl pops in and ruins it all. It's just the worst. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. And I'm afraid that when I leave for college (I'm going to be a freshman) I'm going to give in to these compulsions or make myself experiment but I don't want to; the thought makes me cry. I hate this so much. I want to be me again.
Hey..same thing happened with me when my hocd first started 7 months back..I used to have 3-4 great days and then the hocd episodes would start again for like 4-5 days of severe hocd and the cycle went on..now it is more continuous but the severity is less..now that I look back I think those episodes happened bcoz I was doing compulsions..like when I didnt really know what hocd was,how it worked, there was so much checking I literally used to masturbate to check If I was really straight..so u should stop the compulsions-let the thoughts come and go away by themselves, dont try to counter them..dont say to them"no that's not possible. .I am not gay" try to accept what the thoughts say and eventually the anxiety will go down..the thoughts will have no effect on u if u keep on accepting them
@neew_guy hey so I tried yesterday to kind of allow the thoughts to pass through and it did help. I’m just scared that if I allow the thoughts to pass through I’m accepting it and that I’ll realize that I’m gay or something because I’m not fighting the thoughts, even though I know that fighting the thoughts is what got me here in the first place. Do you feel like you’re almost out of this whole HOCD thing or would you say it’s still something that affects you every day?
I feel exactly the same. You are not alone in this! You've literally just explained everything I feel, and it's bloody terrifying! You don't know what's real and what's not and everything is so confusing.. But a reminder that keeps me going is that if you ask any body who is gay if they worried about being gay and were terrified if the idea of being gay then they are guaranteed to say no. Because they are comfortable and it feels natural for them... And we freak out and ARE terrified because it's not natural for us.. Because we are straight and not gay
@Sabrinamitchell YES exactly. It’s so comforting knowing that someone’s going through the same thing. Another thing that keeps me going is the knowledge of who I was before this happened to me and remembering that who I am does not change ever.
I feel the same!, i remember 3-4 month ago before the HOCD started, i was straight for 100% i knew it, all my life i got crushes on girls, i got horny from all girl i saw naked, i really attrracted to girls, because few things like boom, on few days everything change, just i really sceard i will be change for ever, if i will be gay i will kill my self or something, all my life except one thing that really make my anxiety strongest that when i was child i played a games with my friends u know kiss game like doctor and this stuff because the **** porn, but i remember that i got horny from the porn, and i think just got enjoy from this game, idk im so sceard cuz now i have times that i feel like i horny from image my self kissing like before, im so sceard i cant stop checking my self and think about it again and again, i just want stop think about it, i know i straight but the fear change me....... i really sceard i will change or i change now i can't live with man u know, can be love with man and i afraid i will must do it because the change im not like before (100% straight)........i hate it, we know exactly what you feel, everybody here felt it or feel something like this, and everybody that get out from this still straight...
the problem is not the Sexual orientation, your straight u was straight u bor straight, the problem is how much we fear, how much we check and thinking about it again and again non-stop, that we made ourself new thought that don' real, the fact that u cheking it and this is not real and you made this cheking again, the fact that this is "strange" for us, the fact we all the time was straight until the HOCD started, and the fact we can't stop think about it, means, that this is nothing, this HOCD play our mind, i promise you, if u will read a gay post or something, and you will read something that homosexual pepole feel, and you never felt this in your life, you will check it again and again, and feel it, not because this is real attraction or something like this, because your "build" it from all this thought, i promise you if you will think alot like omg i will not sleep today, you will not sleep today, not because this is real problem and you can't sleep, because you all the time think about it non-stop, so you "think" you feel it, but this is because of this thoughts, the anxiety, checking, and fear together! because this is not real, " what you think is not really you, this is just thought you think about it again and again, and fear and lot of things, this is just live in your head...
i know this is hard, and i really fear and sceard, but HOCD play our mind, we just need deal with it...
try to talk with therapist he will help alot.
try to don't give up, i know what you feel, i cry everyday this is broke me, but when we will relax, when we will stop checking, when we will get those thought, everything will gone.
@HeadpHOCD21 yep it’s all very confusing but we will pull through
This happened to me ! I had a great two weeks, completely thoughtless. And then my mind tells me I have to think about it. Just accept thoughts and move on.