I have started and stopped so many times this morning. Feeling high anxiety and I just don't know how to start the leaving process. I look around at all the crap I have accumulated and it is overwhelming! It's overwhelming to think about moving and all the money it is going to cost. I don't know whether I should move home to my family or stay in this town where I have friends only through work. Narc husband sent me several emails during the night blaming me for the failure of our marriage. My stomach is in knots. My family is getting tired of my failure to leave this guy. They are tired of giving me the same advice over and over. I can't blame them.
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I am so sorry. I wasn't married to mine so I really have no advice. All I can do is offer my support
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This is a tough one Phoenix. Can you break things down to 1 at a time? From my point of view #1 is you. You gotta get out! Fast as you can. 2. Stuff. Can you stick it in storage or a friends basement or... Just for now? As you sort through it think "Do I love this? Will this remind me of him? Or do I just need a couch and don't want to buy another one?" Be kinda ruthless and take what you love and need. The rest is replaceable and having less stuff means you need a smaller space which saves money and gives you more flexablity. 3. Go home or stay in town. Well. Distance is good. The more the better. But a network of friends is important too. Will your family give you space and let you get through this? Or push you to "get over it. go out! move on!" Where does your heart want to go? Where do you see yourself strong and free and sheltered? He's going to likely vacillate between "I love you SO much and miss you I'm gonna die!" and "I hate you you're ruining my life you're an awful person and the cause of all the suffering in the world" Consider the source. Nothing he says is true. Don't let it in. Stay strong! IF your family is cool AND they'll let you "breathe" AND you trust them or a friend maybe you can hand the reigns over for a minute. "I want out and can't quite navigate it. Can you be in charge for a minute and help?" Gotta trust someone big time with that though. Just thoughts. No expert here. Stay strong!
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Phoenix - change your phone number and don't give it out. That is a start in the right direction. Once YOU take control, it will piss him off. Learn to text to his phone from your laptop. I played classical piano for 17 years - I can type texts to him faster than he can read them.
Then dial *67 if you do need to talk (he can't trace it) - and don't let him say a word or try interrupting. Make it on YOUR terms
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Thanks you all for helping me put it into perspective. Yes, I just need to break things down one at a time. Gail, I too play piano! I just threw away three bags of junk and am organizing my belongings and what I truly don't want to leave behind. I feel better already. Help can be found in the most obscure places! I have a young girl who walks my dog for me and recently, while texting my narc husband, I accidently sent my message to her! How embarrassing! The message said something like, "I am just so tired of the abuse". You can imagine my embarrassment when I saw it went to her! I immediately apologized and asked her to disregard that! She wrote me back. She said, I too have suffered from abuse. If you ever need any practical advice, please let me know. I saw her today when she came to get my dog, and we talked, and I told her about this online support group and how helpful it has been. I can't believe how many people suffer from abuse! It gives me hope in humanity that we hold one another up like we do, and boost one anothers' self esteem when we need it, and give each other that extra little push when we just don't feel like we can go on.
That being said, Debbi, I have a great family and a good support system. It's me that holds myself back most of the time. Husband knows what buttons to push to make me sink back down into my misery.
I am so grateful for this support group. No one else understands until they have been in a relationship with a Narcissist. It makes you question everything about yourself, especially your sanity. Why is it so hard to leave the grips of a Narcissist? Even though intellectually we know the truth. But then another part of me is struggling that he might not be that evil of a person, and it must be me. They are so good at what they do.
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Hi Kerri - like I said, the narc knows your sore spots. They know what to say to pull you back in. The last time I came close to leaving, he bombarded me with calls and texts telling me - You are my wife! We were supposed to grow old together, have a good life together! Any normal person would love to hear this from their spouse, and I wanted to believe it and three weeks later I am here in this God awful place again.