I haven't been in this group for a bit. With school starting back up and other drama pulling on my attention, I haven't been able to work too much on the incest of my sperm donor/***hole. The last two weeks, between my psychiatrist appointments and therapy, I have been nudged into a space where I'm being forced to deal with some of this. I am struggling to reconcile that I could love the person who was my father AND hate the monster that stole my innocence and constantly threatened my safety and sense of security. I have and still blame myself for the abuse because that is what he told me over and over... I asked for it by being 'precocious'. I deserved it for being provocative. It was a secret and I couldn't tell anyone or he would have to leave. It also included threats to hurt all of us. And it was what a w***e I was and that no one would believe me if I told. I have spent most, maybe all, of my teen and adult life punishing and hurting myself emotionally and physically. I am in a marriage that has not always been good and at times downright dangerous. I blame myself for this marriage being close to destruction. I shut down emotionally and have been unable to be intimate much of the time; flashbacks, shame and the inability to dissociate anymore are at fault. I have been beyond mean, nearly impossible to live with, and completely expecting too much from a man, who is more like a teenager than an adult, who cannot and does not make an effort to understand my trauma and disabilities, but rather blames me for all of the 'pain' and 'deprivation' my issues have caused him. To be completely transparent, he is on the Spectrum and has ADD, which I didn't know when we got married; he didn't know, either. His ability to look at things other than emotionally and self-centered is nearly impossible.
I'm so sorry for the traumatic experiences that you had to endure. I know that it wasn't easy. I as well blame myself for being molested and raped, because my mother told me that "I asked for it", as well as "deserved it", because "no one is that naive". I've had multiple therapists try to tell me otherwise, without success. So, please believe me, when I say that I understand.
That being said, I can without a doubt, tell you, that NONE of it, was your fault. Your father was/is a predator who preyed upon you. For that, my heart goes out to you.
I applaud you for seeking out therapy. Dealing with molestation/rape issues isn't easy. Dissociation is how we learned to cope. My therapist wanted me to stop, and I flat out told her "no!". Unfortunately, my antidepressant makes it difficult for me to dissociate. It's made me feel very raw.
As for your husband, yes, you both share the blame. As someone who has worked with children/adolescents with Autism, I can tell you that the spectrum is quite large, and they're actually not selfish. They just see the world in black and white with no gray. Most of them have trouble reading emotions on faces, or even how to deal with their own emotions, let alone other's emotions. While neither of you knew that he was on the spectrum (which often includes ADD/ADHD, or OCD), it's up to the two of you on how to navigate your marriage from here. Have you considered marriage counseling? That might be helpful for both of you to understand one another. Just a thought.
Flashbacks are brutal. So is how you deal with them. Do you have nightmares as well? I understand why being sexual is difficult for you. Due to my multiple rapes, there are certain activities that bring up flashbacks which produce anxiety attacks. I get it.
You are not alone. Please don't hesitate if you need/want to talk. If you would rather pm me, I understand. Just support me, and I'll do the same so that we can send messages to one another.
@Justwanttobeloved - thank you for your response. It is distressing for me and quite frustrating (as well as concerning) for my therapist. I have been with him since I was 17. He’s been through a lot with me, got me through so much, and continues to do the same. I’ve circled around this issue for such a long time, after I began remembering it all in my early thirties, having to pull back over and over again, never feeling strong enough to face it and often to the point of not being safe. I can’t keep avoiding it. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I’ve known this on an ‘intellectual’ level for quite a while. I know what you mean as far as the ‘dissociation’; for as much as the dissociation may help, it’s also harmful in the sense that it prevents processing…