I haven't been on here in a while. My ex and I have been separated for over a year now and we have became closer then we have been in years. But as soon as there is alcohol involved everything goes to crap. I am tired of being blamed for mistakes I made in 2013!!! But when I bring up d day, (which by the way was last April when I found out that he had been cheating on her for 2 YEARS with someone 10 years older than us) I'm the bad guy, I'm a who*e, liar, b***h, ect. How is it fair when I stand up for myself I'm treated like I'm a piece of garbage on the bottom of someone's shoe? But if I tell him that's how I feel then I'm playing the "victim" card and I'm called a narcissist. I was the one kicked out of our home when I found out, my world was turned upside down and I had to pick myself up and be strong for our kids. But some how in all this I'm the selfish one. I'm called selfish at least twice a month for the past year. I've been going to therapy, and I've been working on myself and after tonight I feel like this is the final straw. Unfortunately, I love this man so much to still be around after all this and he hasn't changed at all. I don't know what to do, I'm in uncharted territory here and any advice is appreciated.
Why we're you kicked out of your house? Imo when someone treats you horribly and yet you still have contact with that person you are silently giving a ok to that treatment. It's not ok.
@Kas1966 So we rent a house and he doesn’t have any where else to go. I could have stayed and fought over it but the kids and I were dealing with enough so I agreed to leave. I didn’t want to leave but it seemed like the least messy way. My therapist tells me to set boundaries so whenever he acts like this I either get off the phone or leave the house. I think he lashes out so much because he doesn’t like or is not used me to standing up for myself. I am one to hold things in, stay quiet and just leave it alone. But I can do that anymore.
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. It is good that you are working with a counselor. Has your husband attended counseling? It sounds like he does not show you empathy. He would benefit from reaching out to someone also so that when disagreements do arise the both of you can get through it without fighting dirty or disparaging each other. I hope that he will reach out to someone to get the help he needs and that your relationship can be restored the way that God intended it to be. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless.
@FOF9303 Thanks for your help.
It's always hard when you know you aren't being treated properly and can admit you love a person, only to have them do things that hurt.
Take care of yourself first. If you allow it to continue it will. Making yourself stand up to abuse of any sort might be hard, but it makes clear what is not going to be accepted. If he still brings up and created drama over mistakes that were years ago, that is something that should be addressed as well. Maybe he's still struggling with it more than he admits.
But you can't fix certain things without working together. It's ok to love your husband despite his recent mistakes, but it's not good for either of you to accept an abusive situation.
@workingonthings This is what I am struggling with. If I take my emotions out of the situation I know logically it would be best to walk away and never look back. But I have this emotional attachment to him that I am trying to break. I can’t keep letting someone tell me that there’s something wrong with me and that I’m broken and I need help. I don’t feel like anyone should be talked to this way.
He definitely is gas lighting and smearing you, to make you out to be the bad guy. Is your husband a narcissist? I'm serious. I'm not a person who thinks everyone is. But my estranged husband is a narc, and did exactly what yours is doing. He pinned the blame of the demise of the marriage on me, though he cheated and I had to leave because I could never get him to leave the house. So he has both cars, the house, our launching daughter living with him. He gas-lit me every time that I was the problem. I feel like, with a toxic person like that, no-contact is sometimes ideal. I mean, if you can avoid talking to him, unless it's about the children, finances or whatever ties are being ironed out. Just from my experience, an unreasonable person cannot be reasoned with.