I hope one day i will be able not to react to the thought with the anxiety

Mental Health Anxiety & Panic Disorders
1

I HAVE NOT ACCEPTED THE SPIKES( UNWANTED THOUGHTS) YET I LET THEM SHOCK ME ,SCARE ME ,EVEN THOUGH IT IS NOT OK .AND THEN I GO RUMINATING FOR DAYS TRYING TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM AND ASK MYSELF WHY DOES NOT IT WORK. I EXPOSE MYSELF BUT I FEEL BAD. WELL I THINK I CANNOT ACCEPT YET THE FACT THAT I HAVE OCD. I NEED A BETTER ANSWER TO THIS PROBLEM. I CANNOT ACCEPT THE FACT THAT IT IS SOMETHING THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE REAL ME. I CANNOT ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I CANNOT CONTROL THE THOUGHTS AND THAT THEY ARE SOMETHING IRRELEVANT. I STILL DO NOT BELIEVE THAT THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.I CANNOT FORGIVE MYSELF FOR MY THOUGHTS AND THAT IS THE OBSTACLE IN MY RECOVERY. FOR ME, WHENEVER I HAVE THE THOUGHT IT IS A DEFEAT.AND AFTER THAT I FEEL SO BAD FOR DAYS. I CANNOT FORGIVE MYSELF FOR MY THOUGHTS. I HAVE DONE SO MUCH SO FAR. I AM NOT AFRAID SO MUCH NOW WHEN I AM WITH MY KIDS, AND I EVEN EXPOSED MYSELF WITH BEING ALONE WITH MY SON AND WE HAD A GREAT TIME. IT DOES NOT SCARE ME ANYMORE BEING WITH THEM. BUT AT ONE POINT WHEN SOME SCARY THOUGHT APPEARS I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE, LIKE IT WAS FOR NOTHING. BUT IT IS NOT LIKE THAT, I HAVE DONE SO MUCH I KNOW. IT S JUST THAT I DO NOT HAVE PATIENCE. I WANT IT TO GO AWAY IMMEDIATELY. AND I REALIZED THAT RECOVERY MEANS NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE THOUGHTS AND NOT THE DISAPPEARANCE OF THOUGHTS. BUT THAT IS SO HARD!!!I KNOW I AM TOO HARD ON MYSELF, I SHOULD GIVE MYSELF SOME CREDIT FOR BEING ABLE TO FACE MY FEARS.I HOPE ONE DAY I WILL BE ABLE NOT TO REACT TO THE THOUGHT WITH THE ANXIETY

2

Hi-

I know how hard it is to ignore the thoughts and fight against them. It's like trying to do a complete turn and take a different road when you're already slightly on one road. I am so bad to myself sometimes but I have to forgive myself and realize, I'm not perfect and I can't be and my thoughts are just thoughts. The only way to win is for me to ignore the thoughts and go on with my life no matter what my mind tells me. God gives me strength and I pray that God gives you strength and comfort. I hope you feel better!