I just can't get any further

It seems everything just keeps getting worse I have no friends left couldnt care a **** about my family
and just feel generally useless.
I cant take the drama and guilt tit for tat from friends and family and dont see why I shouls jave to be an emotional douche for annyone anymore.
I refuse to be the one who makes all the phonecalls and set up "dates " I dont see why I neex anything to do with anybody other than my wolife and kids they are more than enough for me and even more so nnow that I am virtually a prisoner.

**** I feel like ****.

Not too many days away from nearly cutting my arms off and obsessing on the idea for weeks

I've never done this before. Never tried to reach out to anyone hoping against all hope that somebody would and could tell me everything is going to be ok. Somebody who has been where I am at today. I am 21. I will be 22 in 10 days and at this point with everything I have gone through I am so tired.

At 1 year old, my life was forever changed when my mother accused my father of murdering my 5 month old brother, ******. I was removed from their house and placed in my grandparents home per my mother's request. I lost everything on November,1st,1991. I lost my father, my two brothers and my mother all in one instance. My father was never convicted of it and eventually my mother and father split up. My mother than turned to drugs, alcohol and abusive men. I remember being with her for a short period of time and seeing her boyfriend drah her across the house by her hair and her trying to commit suicide in the bathrooom. Those are the earliest memories I have

My mother had been molested by a babysitter at 3 years old and she told my grandmother who chose not to believe her. But then again my own grandmother was raped by her own brother when she, too, was a very young girl.

At 7 years old , my grandfather started physically, mentally and emotionally abusing me. I was legally adopted by them when I was 9 years old. I couldnt say anythng against them at the time because I had already lost so much that I didnt want to lose the little stability I did have. I was diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD around this time

At 14, my grandfather started to sexually abuse me. My grandmother had actually walked in on him on top of me in their bed and said nothing. I had told her what happened and she confronted him about it with me in the ame room and all while he denied it all I could do was rock the pain away like a scared child. She chose to believe him and tmy freshman year I was hospitalized with two suicidre attempts because of it though at the tyime I gave her other excuses because the one person I trusted to proect me and believe me when something like this happened had miserably failed me so what did it matter if I told her the truth of why I tried to off myself. From then on, I was an emotional wreck having to livein the same house as my abuser. I started practicing self-mutilation to ease the pain. I started Oding on Tylenol and Benadryl to drowned out the nightmares. And I started turning to guys at my highschool as an escape from reality.Though I never let full-on sex to happen, I didnt care what they did to me. I was a mostly A and B student with a dark secret and I hid it so well that nobody ever suspected that
there was anything wrong. I was diagnosed Bipolar during one of the hospitalizations

At 16, The physical abuse got worse to the point where my grandmother watched my grandfather slam my head into a wall and didnt blink or say anything to him. A few months later, I watched her pass away and knew that everything with him was onoly going to get worse. But surprisingly and sickingly enough it was just the opposite.

After my grandmother passed on, my grandfather started buying me expensive gifts and showering me with money. He tried to buy away the memories of what he did. And I will admit I took advantage of every dime he handed me because I figured that was the very least he owed me. But now, I am struggling financially with my husband and I will not ask for a red penny from my grandfather and my husband knows that I am currently in my grandfather's will but that I have my regards against taking any money from that man. It doesnt near re-pay for the damage he did to me

At 18, my mind was so far gone that I was actaully considering killing my grandfather and were it not for my very last escape (a 15 year old guy) he probably wouldnt be here. That escape gave me a brief second of clarity enough to know that my grandfather wasnt worth my freedon. So I moved to GA to live with my biological mother who at this time had been sober for 8 years.

At 20, I engage in my first relationship with any guy. I have been off my meds for a year now due to the fact that I had just started school and they had me sleeping for like 16 hours straight. All it took was one kiss and everything that had been repressed by the meds came back with a vengeance. I could not handle it. I started cutting and ODing again. I eventally landed in the hospital with 2,975 mg of Tylenol in my system.

At 21, I am now married my best friend. The one who has been there for me through everything. And yet I feel he deserves better. That he deserves a woman who is whole instead of the half=person I am. I feel dead inside. Like somehow, my grandfather killed my very soul. I have been to counseling throughout my entire life and nothing works. Meds only supress it and at this point, I'd rather feel nothing than know I'm only able to give my husband only a fraction of myself

Its my very first post on here. The point is I know how you're feeling.. I dont know the whys..but I know where you're coming from.

Nobody understands a person trapped inside their mind better than another person trapped inside their mind.

The one way I've learned how to cope better..has been telling my story..the reason I am angry and lost. Making my story mean something with the hope that it reaches even just one person and helps them. In doing that, Ive find some tremendous peace in my heart. I'm not saying you HAVE to post your story on here as I did. But sometimes just writing it out helps. Best wishes ands always here to talk- Nicki

Look at some of my back posts most of my story has been posted here, I have been away for awhile having gotten overwhelmed and shut pff from the world and lofe by the internet.

I don't really remember much of my childhood especially the parts that include my family I have fond memories of friends on the outside but when it comes to my home life nothing. Worse if I go looking through pictures of the past there are none of me if is as though I didn't exist.

I tend to hurt myself just cut away when I feel like I do now but for some reason I just don't feel like it this time maybe the meds actually work.

I just feel so useless and inferior now that it has been nearly two years since I got "sick", I can't work drive take a walk do anything I used to do, and the wife has taken on axaecond job since I am still fighting to get disability invisible illnesses are a huge fight.

Anyway thanks again Nicki,
hugs Vince

I am not gonna tell you tp not put yourself down and remind you of your worth I know how empty those words feel.

I will however tell you thanks and how much pf a person I feel you are, in jusf these few conversations I have seen a very good, strong smart person who is truly self actuallzed and aware, that makes you very strong.

I keep going to tell my story here again please if you feel like it look it up.

I can't promise I will always be here but when I am I am here to at least listen.

Alot of people struggle daily. Depression is the cancer of the mind. It can make you go truly mad. But the best thing you can do is never to give in. Even if you have to taker it minute by mionute..Live one day at a time and start living in small increments for you. If in this very moment you want to read a book, read one..Ive been off medications for 4 years so it is possible. Best wishes- Nicki

Thanks for yur help and suppprt I just get so damned low having no life left it is lile I am under hpise arrest since I can no longer go anywhere myself and my body fails me. The don't normally get this low it is just so hard to not be defined by anything anymore.

Thanks again
Spoonie hugs

I hope you don't think I am probing, I just like to try to help your pain. I am lamatheid and I know how you feel. I have no friends either none!! I moved from my wifes house about a month ago after being seperated for 9+ years my children don't understand me. my estranged wife don't believe in me. I relapsed because of loneliness I am not working, i am in school online but I feel like I am not worthy I feel inferior not working.

I decided to go to the VA to get treatment next week. I live alone and I have no friends no acquaintences. I pickup to get some joy in my life but its all more misery. Thank God, you have someone around. I have no one my children love me but they cant show it or their mother. I told her I did not love her and the divorse court date is coming in the mail. I call but noone answers I been lonely for 19years at lest probably more. Going to treatment and taking time off from school right now will benefit me. I need to be around people I feel like dying at times. Whats going to happen is when I get my deposit I'll pay my rent and other bills maybe and do some shopping for the month and then party and I'll get sick then have to strain my brains to do my school work and that really sucks.

Talking about feeling like a worm, guilty, shame ,angry, lonely, worthless,just wanting to stay in bed and sleep as long as you can. My way out now is to go to the VA and get into treatment and pbe around people. I need that boost so when I come home i'll have a program again, I know the down fall going to and fro self help meeting and therapy but I have to do it. I know the way out and this is it if I have to take medication I will I need people in my life I need a balance. I hope you get to know your way out and just take that route. This week end I am just going to get my self mentally ready and write my landlord and tell him I'll pay him when I get back.

Good luck; Vince

Thanks Lamatheid,
Ypu are in no way probing that is what we are here to do we open oursleves up cut open a vein and bleed our truth all over the sight hoping to talk to people like you so we can connect to people who understand.
Big applause for trying to get out among people right now I dont see a time when I will ever leave my house again, I was involved with creating a big club reunion on the beach and cant even see myself going much less stepping a toe out of front door.

I feel I have no friends left they all seemed to abandon me when I got "sick" , I live in the same town I grew up in infact I bought my parents house to rause my kids in when my parents divorced after Fifty years. Still no body comes to visit or call oh the used to say they will but no not a knock not a phone call nothing but going on wity their lives while mine is over.

Sorry for unloading on you brother,
Spoonie hugs,