I've never done this before. Never tried to reach out to anyone hoping against all hope that somebody would and could tell me everything is going to be ok. Somebody who has been where I am at today. I am 21. I will be 22 in 10 days and at this point with everything I have gone through I am so tired.
At 1 year old, my life was forever changed when my mother accused my father of murdering my 5 month old brother, ******. I was removed from their house and placed in my grandparents home per my mother's request. I lost everything on November,1st,1991. I lost my father, my two brothers and my mother all in one instance. My father was never convicted of it and eventually my mother and father split up. My mother than turned to drugs, alcohol and abusive men. I remember being with her for a short period of time and seeing her boyfriend drah her across the house by her hair and her trying to commit suicide in the bathrooom. Those are the earliest memories I have
My mother had been molested by a babysitter at 3 years old and she told my grandmother who chose not to believe her. But then again my own grandmother was raped by her own brother when she, too, was a very young girl.
At 7 years old , my grandfather started physically, mentally and emotionally abusing me. I was legally adopted by them when I was 9 years old. I couldnt say anythng against them at the time because I had already lost so much that I didnt want to lose the little stability I did have. I was diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD around this time
At 14, my grandfather started to sexually abuse me. My grandmother had actually walked in on him on top of me in their bed and said nothing. I had told her what happened and she confronted him about it with me in the ame room and all while he denied it all I could do was rock the pain away like a scared child. She chose to believe him and tmy freshman year I was hospitalized with two suicidre attempts because of it though at the tyime I gave her other excuses because the one person I trusted to proect me and believe me when something like this happened had miserably failed me so what did it matter if I told her the truth of why I tried to off myself. From then on, I was an emotional wreck having to livein the same house as my abuser. I started practicing self-mutilation to ease the pain. I started Oding on Tylenol and Benadryl to drowned out the nightmares. And I started turning to guys at my highschool as an escape from reality.Though I never let full-on sex to happen, I didnt care what they did to me. I was a mostly A and B student with a dark secret and I hid it so well that nobody ever suspected that
there was anything wrong. I was diagnosed Bipolar during one of the hospitalizations
At 16, The physical abuse got worse to the point where my grandmother watched my grandfather slam my head into a wall and didnt blink or say anything to him. A few months later, I watched her pass away and knew that everything with him was onoly going to get worse. But surprisingly and sickingly enough it was just the opposite.
After my grandmother passed on, my grandfather started buying me expensive gifts and showering me with money. He tried to buy away the memories of what he did. And I will admit I took advantage of every dime he handed me because I figured that was the very least he owed me. But now, I am struggling financially with my husband and I will not ask for a red penny from my grandfather and my husband knows that I am currently in my grandfather's will but that I have my regards against taking any money from that man. It doesnt near re-pay for the damage he did to me
At 18, my mind was so far gone that I was actaully considering killing my grandfather and were it not for my very last escape (a 15 year old guy) he probably wouldnt be here. That escape gave me a brief second of clarity enough to know that my grandfather wasnt worth my freedon. So I moved to GA to live with my biological mother who at this time had been sober for 8 years.
At 20, I engage in my first relationship with any guy. I have been off my meds for a year now due to the fact that I had just started school and they had me sleeping for like 16 hours straight. All it took was one kiss and everything that had been repressed by the meds came back with a vengeance. I could not handle it. I started cutting and ODing again. I eventally landed in the hospital with 2,975 mg of Tylenol in my system.
At 21, I am now married my best friend. The one who has been there for me through everything. And yet I feel he deserves better. That he deserves a woman who is whole instead of the half=person I am. I feel dead inside. Like somehow, my grandfather killed my very soul. I have been to counseling throughout my entire life and nothing works. Meds only supress it and at this point, I'd rather feel nothing than know I'm only able to give my husband only a fraction of myself
Its my very first post on here. The point is I know how you're feeling.. I dont know the whys..but I know where you're coming from.
Nobody understands a person trapped inside their mind better than another person trapped inside their mind.
The one way I've learned how to cope better..has been telling my story..the reason I am angry and lost. Making my story mean something with the hope that it reaches even just one person and helps them. In doing that, Ive find some tremendous peace in my heart. I'm not saying you HAVE to post your story on here as I did. But sometimes just writing it out helps. Best wishes ands always here to talk- Nicki